Totally Radical Sportz!

Aaron Hernandez: Time to Forgive & Forget

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 08/28/2015

Aaron Hernandez

More like Errin’ Hernandez. The guy goofed up, folks. My goodness!

Look, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. That’s why pencils have erasers. It’s time to forgive and forget. It’s time to release Aaron Hernandez from prison and get him back out on that gridiron catchin’ pigskins and scoring football touchdowns.

Hasn’t Aaron Hernandez suffered enough? He’s had his name dragged through the mud and his body dragged through the penal system. How much punishment does one man deserve?

If Roger Goodell truly has a pair, he’ll reinstate Aaron Hernandez so a team can sign him to a long-term contract before the season kicks off. There are plenty of teams who could use a marquee receiver with blocking skills and explosiveness. I mean this guy’s explosive. Really explosive. Like, murderer explosive. The only way an NFL team could sign someone more explosive than Aaron Hernandez is if they signed a barrel of TNT. The Washington Redskins signed a gun to their practice squad once, but it never had a shot at getting on the field.

What franchise would be willing to sign the disgraced tight end? When reached for comment, one high-level NFL team executive remarked, “What the hell? Isn’t Aaron Hernandez in prison for, like, a long time? Who let you in this office?”

Would a locker room even accept a convicted murderer? Sure, football locker rooms in the past have accepted rapists, racists, assaulters of women & children, DUI hit & runners, alleged murderers, atheists, bigamists, foot fetishists and Riley Cooper. But would a convicted murderer be a bridge too far? One marquee professional football player who asked to remain anonymous remarked, “Aaron Hernandez? The murderer? Why would he—how did you get in my home? Did—did you crawl through the doggie door?” I did. I’m a journalist.

Jail is no place for a potentially perennial Pro Bowler and possible future Hall of Famer. Hernandez will see no reform behind those cold iron bars. No, what Aaron Hernandez needs is to reform on the field. It is on a football field where Hernandez will truly learn from his mistakes and become a better man. A teammate. A leader. A guy who doesn’t go around shooting people in the dang noggin with a big ‘ol gun! What a kook!

One thing is for sure: Hernandez is gonna have to cut it out with the murdering. What’s certain is that if a team signed a convicted murderer, the last thing they want him doing is committing another murder. You did that already. You got it out of your system. Now don’t do it again. It’s time to grow up, Aaron. Enough is enough, already. With the murdering. Jeez Louise.

One of the biggest aspects of all this is, how would one go about releasing Aaron Hernandez from prison? One lawyer reached for comment said, “To have murder charges dropped after conviction? I suppose you’d need some sort of time machine and—hey, how’d you get in here, anyway?” A judge, when questioned on the same topic, remarked, “Wait, do you not know what the word ‘murder’ means? And did you climb in through the window?” The legal system is complicated, folks.

Everyone has things in their past they regret. That person you cut off and subsequently flipped off in traffic. That significant other you ended things with by sending a mere text message. That friend who rolls your blunts who you shot in the face with a semi-automatic shotgun in an industrial park and then disposed of the body, destroyed your cellphone and your home security system. That other double murder you possibly committed. Those footballs you deflated!

The point is, in a way, we’re all guilty. Guilty of thinking we’re better than someone just because they goofed up. You’re not better than Aaron Hernandez. In fact, he’s better than you. He’s a football player and you’re not. Unless you are, in which case my deepest apologies Mr. Football Player.

Aaron Hernandez is a bright, young talent with a promising future in the National Football League. The team lucky enough to sign him to a long-term contract upon his release from prison could very well be erecting an Aaron Hernandez statue outside their stadium someday. A bronze likeness that inspires future generations that everyone deserves a second chance. Especially the rich and famous.

It’s time to forgive Aaron Hernandez for his past transgressions and look to the future. A future free of murders and full of touchdowns. Now that’s a future I can get behind. Yowza!

Now let’s get Aaron Hernandez back out on that gridiron and PLAY BALL!


 

Send all hate mail to ethanrbooker@gmail.com

Advertisements

Comments Off on Aaron Hernandez: Time to Forgive & Forget

%d bloggers like this: