Totally Radical Sportz!

Here’s Dick – Chapter 1

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/30/2015

Here's Dick

Chapter One – Day One

“Richard Penisman.”

“It’s actually ‘Pennisman’.”

“Hey, Ricky. This guy’s name is Dick Penisman.”

“That’s hilarious, Harry.”

Prison guards Harry Schette & Ricky Faulk are checking Dick Pennisman into Macon State Prison in Oglethorpe, GA.

“I prefer Richard.”

Guard Harry Schette chortles. “Dick Penisman.”

Dick sighs.


Dick is led to his cell where a rotund bald con is lounging on the bottom bunk.

Dick sets his things on the top bunk and holds out his hand. “Hello, I’m Richard.”

Harry Schette rattles his club on the jail bars. “It’s Dick. Dick Penisman.”

The guard’s laughter echoes down the cell block as Dick mutters, “It’s ‘Pennisman’. Like ‘tennis men’.”

The round man shoves Dick out of the way as guards yell, “Yard!” and the block empties and falls in line.

Dick follows with a grin. “Oh, like jail recess.”


Out in the yard, Dick Pennisman is getting his shit kicked in by a stocky short muscular man and his cronies. As Dick limps back into line to go back inside, his new cellmate smiles.

“See you met Bumps.”

Dick coughs and groans. “Everything tastes like copper.”


In the cafeteria, a bloodied and battered Dick Pennisman is eating lunch alone when he’s hit with an epiphany. Dick stands up, throws a handful of mashed potatoes into the next table and hollers, “FOOD FIGHT!” In the ensuing chaos he sneaks behind the kitchen counter and pockets something before being surrounded and pummeled by guards.


That evening back in his cell, Dick is laying on the top bunk admiring his pilfered prize and aching all over. “So what’s your name anyway, roomie?”

“Chit.”

“Shit?”

Chit. Short for chittlin, my signature dish. I’m the cook in this here prison.”

Dick pokes his head down over the top bunk and shows Chit a large metal soup spoon. “Oh. So I guess I didn’t need to start that food fight to steal this. I could’ve just asked you.”

Chit smirks. “Yup.”

“Well, lesson learned, I suppose. You know, I’ve never had chitterlings.”

“You sure you black?”

“Last time I checked.”

“What that spoon for, anyway. You want a shiv, you steal a knife.” Chit shows off his blade and Dick gulps.

“I don’t want a shiv. I want a shovel.”

“Say what.”

“I’m digging out of here.”

Chit grins. “Oh, okay. We on the second floor, tho.”

Dick lays back on his top bunk and sighs wearily. His ribs, back and pelvis pulsating in pain. “This has not been a great day.”


Send all hate mail to ethanrbooker@gmail.com

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