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Finding King – Chapter 5

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 10/13/2014

Finding King

A tabloid writer for the Weekly World Daily and a Columbia grad student are on the hunt to discover if Elvis is still alive.

Chapter 5 – I Like You Because

HELEN: (reading paper as Aaron steers their rental car south) Get a load of this: That skeleton they discovered on the moon had some sort of metal device in its hand. All kinds of buttons and doodads.

AARON: It’s just some perished cosmonaut from a bygone era. An exploration gone wrong.

HELEN: Or it’s an alien skeleton. But speaking of explorations gone wrong, where are we headed now?

AARON: Texarkana. I received an email from a priest down there who had a sighting.

HELEN: We’re driving all the way down to Arkansas off of an email?

AARON: A priest, Helen. They legally have to tell the truth. They’re infallible!

HELEN: (frowns) I don’t think that’s entirely…accurate.


(Father Patrick O’Manatee staggers towards the tabloid journalists — reeking of whiskey, his collar askew — outside a rural diner in Bingville, Arkansas..)

O’MANATEE: Mr. Bling, I presume! Terribly good to see you, my lad.

AARON: It’s King, actually.

O’MANATEE: Right this way, Mr. Ching. And bring your lovely assistant with you.

HELEN: (cross) Just because I’m a woman doesn’t automatically make me a secretary.

AARON: She’s an intern.

HELEN: (gives Aaron a look)

AARON: Uh, but she is also very vital to this investigation.

O’MANATEE: Yes, of course. Vitality is next to godliness. Deeply sorry, my dear. Now come along, we’ve got a long journey ahead of us.

AARON: Maybe I should drive. You’re pretty–

O’MANATEE: Nonsense!


(After a butthole-clenching drive down miles of dirt road, the three arrive at a small cabin and begin trekking through the deep Arkansas woods behind it..)

HELEN: If I may ask, Father: What’s an Irish Catholic priest doing in rural Arkansas?

O’MANATEE: (swigs from flask) Oh, I did some things back in Dublin.

HELEN: Oh.

AARON: ..gross things?

O’MANATEE: Yes, very much so. I embezzled thousands from the church and blew it all on booze.

(Helen and Aaron share a relieved look..)

O’MANATEE: So they sent me to Bumfiddle, Arkansas to run a Catholic church with two parishioners. There’s simply no money to emboozle–er, embezzle. Unfortunately.

(Father O’Manatee grabs Helen & Aaron by their wrists and ducks them behind some shrubbery..)

O’MANATEE: Shh, there he is!

AARON: (peeking up over brush) What the hell is Elvis Presley doing in the middle of the–

(Aaron’s jaw drops as a tall hairy apelike creature trudges through a clearing ahead of them..)

AARON: That’s not Elvis.

O’MANATEE: (hushed whisper) What’s all this malarkey about Elvis?

HELEN: Is that a–is that the–

O’MANATEE: The Boggy Creek Monster.

AARON: But you said you saw Elvis!

O’MANATEE: *hic* I said no such thing!

(Helen grabs Aaron’s phone and scrolls through his emails..)

HELEN: It just says ‘I’ve found what you’re looking for’.”

O’MANATEE: Your magazine’s always looking for photographs of monsters.

AARON: Let’s pack it up, Helen.

HELEN: But Aaron, that’s a real-life Sasquatch.

AARON: I DON’T WANT A SASQUATCH, I WANT ELVIS!

(The Boggy Creek Monster turns and flees into the woods..)

HELEN: Great. Well done.

(Helen’s phone rings and she walks into the clearing to get better reception..)

PROFESSOR LEON PAYNE: Helen. Professor Payne, here. Just curious why you weren’t in class today.

HELEN: I’m sorry, Professor. I’m still on assignment with the Weekly World Daily.

PAYNE: Helen, that internship’s over.

HELEN: But that’s impossible.

PAYNE: The Weekly World Daily folded a week ago. I thought you would’ve knew.

HELEN: But we’ve been on assignment down south for weeks. How are we traveling and eating without a paper to pay for it all.

PAYNE: Well, I imagine the reporter you’re on assignment with has gone rogue freelance and is paying out of pocket. Get back to New York as soon as possible and we’ll find you a new internship with a real newspaper.

(Helen glances back at Aaron arguing animatedly with the intoxicated and befuddled Irish priest..)

HELEN: (smiles) I’ll let you know when I’m back in town, Professor.


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