Subconsciously – Chapter 13
American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.
Chapter 13 – Palo Alto
BBC ANCHOR: Miss Cohn, an American, is seen in this video handing a methamphetamine-laced e-cigarette to her late majesty–
SKY1 ANCHOR: Miss Cohn faces the death penalty on one count of regicide–
ITV ANCHOR: The public hanging will be the first execution of its kind in the UK in fifty years–
BBC RADIO HOST: This next one goes out to the Queen Killer, Lee Maribeth Cohn. (opening strains of “Killer Queen”)
CHANNEL 5 HOST: Coming up next on Wonk & Bretzel: Wonk eats a whole ham loaf while Bretzel has a laugh.
(Lee Cohn is in the visitors room of the North London Penitentiary, the Bumfordshire Humpledumps are celebrating their League Cup win on a nearby TV, as Lee sits with her mother..)
MRS. COHN: This is all very disappointing, Lee.
LEE: Yes, I’m being tried for regicide, mom. I for one am extremely disappointed.
MRS. COHN: What does the lawyer say?
LEE: The public defender says I will most likely lose control of my bowels during the hanging; but I’m not too concerned about that. Oh, he also said “Sod off, you bloody Queen Killer”.
MRS. COHN: She was so old. I just don’t see what the big deal is. You’d think her son would be thrilled to be King. Give you a pardon, even.
GUARD: Queen Killer, let’s go. Show’s on.
(Lee sighs as she’s escorted out of her cell and down the hall. She sees a stockade and noose outside and a large crowd gathering..)
LEE: This is so barbaric.
GUARD: Shoulda thought of that before you killed the Queen.
LEE: I didn’t even know there was meth in the e-cigarettes until later!
GUARD: Yeah, we all saw the trial. Won’t even own up to your crimes til the bitter end. Despicable.
LEE: Douglas, you’re my least-favorite guard here.
GUARD: Well, you’re a right twa–
AGENT: Not so fast there, gentlemen. This prisoner’s coming with us.
(Warden June steps forward..)
WARDEN: On whose authority.
AGENT: The authority of the United States Department of Justice. This prisoner is to stand trial in America on major crimes. She is to be handed over to us immediately.
LEE: Oh, thank god.
WARDEN: But she killed the Queen!
AGENT: (hands over signed order) An old lady in a crown ain’t got shit on the President of the United States. Your little Prime Minister put his John Hancock on there, too.
(The Warden reluctantly hands Lee over to the American attache..)
WARDEN: John Hancock was a wanker.
LEE: God bless America.
(In a Palo Alto, California federal court, Judge Stonebanks hands down his sentence..)
JUDGE: For the crime of international drug trafficking and conspiracy the United States sentences Lee Maribeth Cohn to…public hanging.
LEE: Oh, for crying out loud.
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