Subconsciously – Chapter 9
American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.
Chapter 9 – Soundly
(Lee Cohn is having tea in the home of Bumfordshire F.C. president Judy Wellesley on a soggy English afternoon..)
LEE: Judy, I’m afraid e-Pocalypse has to pull their sponsorship of the Bumfordshire Humpledumps.
JUDY: But why? Our boys are coming along so well. They’re on an eleven-game winning streak.
LEE: The product isn’t safe. It’s harmed people and if we don’t pull it off the shelves it will harm others.
JUDY: The boys seem to love it. It’s a helluva energy supplement. They’re flying around that pitch.
LEE: The soccer team is on meth–uh, e-cigarettes?
JUDY: That young Californian Warren got them onto it. Your associate. They’re crediting those energy cigarettes for their sudden turnaround.
LEE: That’s funny, I’d credit the fact that you’re paying off the refs before every match.
JUDY: Oh, everyone does that. It’s an old unwritten football rule in England.
LEE: (frowns) But if everyone was paying off refs, then wouldn’t it all even itself out? Why would you even–
JUDY: Lee, you have inspired me. You came to this country with that can-do spirit and you’ve made this old coot feel young again. I remember again what it was like when I first took this club over after university when father passed. The boys on that pitch respected me then and they respect me again now. I feel wanted again. I feel needed again. Do you know what it’s like for an old lady to feel needed again? And it’s all because of you. You inspired me to go back to my old ways. You inspired me to pay off those refs; pay them off with your e-cigarette money, I might add. And now we’re on the cusp of qualifying for the cup for the first time since before the war. That’s all your doing, Lee. You’ve inspired this old woman to feel again. And there’s no turning back now.
(Lee’s face turns purple and she can hold it no longer..)
LEE: e-Pocalypse e-cigarettes are meth. They’re drugs. Your soccer team’s a bunch of meth addicts. Those cigarettes put the Queen in a coma.
JUDY: Oh dear.
(Nellie Turano is on a private jet with Mexican drug lord “Nacho” Notchizedes, his #2 Marco and a number of other henchmen..)
NACHO: So you say these Englishmen we’re meeting with are legitimate?
NELLIE: Very legit. Almost too legit. Lee, my #2, vouches for them.
NACHO: And they have distribution all figured out?
NELLIE: (nods nervously) Distribution. All figured out.
NACHO: Good. So after we sell the product to them and they hand it off to their distributors, we kill them.
NACHO: And then we take over distribution in England. You see, England was just a test to see how we can spread our product over an entire nation. And from there we work out a plan to move into Canada and finally..America.
NELLIE: Oh dear.
NACHO: Please buckle up, Miss Turano. Safety first.
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