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Subconsciously – Chapter 8

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 06/19/2014

Subconsciously

American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.

Chapter 8 – Tautology II

(Bumfordshire F.C. president Judy Wellesley is paying off another ref while Warren Marsh is passing around an e-Pocalypse e-cigarette in the Bumfordshire Humpledumps locker room* — *standing in a circle behind the snack shack..)

WARREN:  Everybody take a puff, they give you energy.

HUMPLEDUMP #1:  Bloody hell, I feel like I could run through a sodding brick wall.

WARREN:  Well..don’t do that. Just..play soccer really good.

HUMPLEDUMP #2:  (up in Warren’s face)  We call it ‘footie’, ya bleedin’ tosser.

WARREN:  (to himself)  Boy, meth makes people really angry.


(Lee Cohn is on the balcony of her London hotel room, talking to her boss Nellie Turano back in Chicago..)

LEE:  Nellie, we have an entire warehouse full of meth cigarettes. We’re meth dealers now.

NELLIE:  Lee, I’m just as surprised as you.

LEE:  My god, Warren was trying to sell them to children. The Queen! I made the Queen of England smoke meth. She’s in a meth-coma!

NELLIE:  You’ve gotta stop saying ‘meth’ over the phone, Lee.

LEE:  Sorry.

NELLIE:  Look the way I see it, we’re screwed. Nacho hasn’t given us much of a choice. He’s got my family being watched 24/7. It’s the two of us against an entire Mexican drug cartel.

BREAD:  (pokes head out on balcony)  What if it wasn’t just the two of you.

NELLIE:  Who’s that.

LEE:  Ugh, it’s just Bread.

NELLIE:  What.

LEE:  (hangs up)  What are you doing here and why are you in my bathrobe?

BREAD:  I crashed here last night after all the excitement at Buckingham and the blow. And I thought this was the hotel’s robe. Anyway, what if I told you I knew a crew harder than any Mexican drug cartel.

LEE:  Who.

BREAD:  The British mob.


(Lee & Bread are in a cab heading toward a seedy part of East London..)

LEE:  I didn’t even know there was a British mob. Are they Italian?

BREAD:  No, they’re British.

LEE:  Well, that makes sense. How did you get in with the British mob, dare I ask.

BREAD:  I’ve known ’em from the neighborhood since I was a ‘lil lad. If you wanna unload all your–

(Lee kicks Bread and motions to the cabbie with her eyes..)

BREAD:  –uh, cigarettes, these boys can take ’em off your hands.

CABBIE:  (in rear-view mirror)  Don’t I know you from somewhere, luv?

(Lee recognizes the cabbie who drove her to the royal wedding after she lied to him about being Lady Hortense’s American cousin..)

LEE:  (smiles awkwardly)  Nope, don’t think so.

(The cab pulls up outside a pair of old shuttered warehouses and Lee & Bread step out..)

BREAD:  So how are we playin’ this. How shall I introduce you?

LEE:  (narrows eyes)  I’m the hardest motherfucking meth kingpin in North America.


(A lanky man in a three-piece suit rubs a wet hand through his widow’s peak, seated in a cavernous warehouse at a cheap fold-out table, flanked by henchmen as Lee & Bread enter..)

PERCY:  Hello, Bread. What can I do you for?

BREAD:  Percy, I’d like to introduce you to my good friend–

(Lee whispers in Bread’s ear..)

BREAD:  –my, uh, good acquaintance, Lee Cohn.

PERCY:  (glances around the warehouse)  Alright, where is the bloke?

LEE:  (steps forward)  Uh, I’m Lee Cohn.

(A grin bleeds across the mob boss’ face as he rises, bows and plants his fish lips on Lee’s hand..)

PERCY:  Miss Cohn, a pleasure. I’m Percy Quentin. And what’s brought a lovely flower such as yourself to the “bad” part of London.

BREAD:  Lee has some..”product” she’d wish to unload on you fine fellows.

LEE:  Crystallized methamphetamine, disguised as e-cigarettes to deter any detection from the authorities. What do you call them here, ‘constables’?

PERCY:  An ingenious plan. Do you manufacture these meth e-cigarettes yourself?

LEE:  We have a factory in Mexico.

PERCY:  So you’re really more of a middle man.

LEE:  Middle woman, thank you.

PERCY:  (grins)  Well if all this is true then we are very interested. And you will assuredly receive your cut of any profits. But I’m only comfortable doing business when I’m familiar with all the branches on the tree. I’m going to need a face-to-face with your Mexican suppliers.

(Bread cringes, but Lee nods calmly..)

LEE:  That can be arranged. I look forward to doing business with you, Mr. Quentin.

PERCY:  And I you, Miss Cohn. And I you. Welcome to England.


(Lee is speed-walking out of the warehouse, dialing Nellie. Bread hustles after her to keep up..)

NELLIE:  Yello?

LEE:  Nellie, I might have a buyer for our cigarettes.

NELLIE:  Oh, thank god.

LEE:  Only thing is he wants to meet Nacho. I’m afraid our neighbors to the south are going to have to take a trip across the pond.

(Nellie hangs up and turns to Marco reading an US Weekly in the corner of her office..)

NELLIE:  Marco, pack your things. You and your boss are going on a trip.

MARCO:  Let me finish this article first, miss. I want to find out if Jennifer Lawrence can have it all.


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