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Subconsciously – Chapter 7

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 06/16/2014


American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.

Chapter 7 – Fishin’ Around

NEWS ANCHOR:  And in other news, a Norchester man was arrested today after reportedly dressing up as a wolf in a local mall and handing out electronic cigarettes to area children.

(Lee Cohn is in her hotel room that evening, covering her eyes…)

LEE:  Oh god, this couldn’t get any worse.

(News footage of a man in a wolf costume with the head removed, hollering at the camera…)

WOLF-E:  I was only followin’ orders!

LEE:  Ohhh, and he went with the Nazi excuse.

ANCHOR:  The e-cigarette company, an American business known as e-Pocalypse–

WARREN:  (head shoots up from coke line on the hotel room coffee table)  Free publicity!

ANCHOR:  –is recently coming off the Murray Chive snafu, hiring the racist former television star–

LEE:  You said he was a movie star.

WARREN:  (snorts line, shrugs)

ANCHOR:  –to be their spokesman. The e-cigarette company has supposedly been linked to Her Majesty the Queen who is still in a com–

(Lee clicks off the television…)

LEE:  Great plan, Warren. You fuck.

BREAD:  (sitting next to Warren)  Ya really screwed the pooch on that one, luv.

LEE:  What are you even doing here?

BREAD:  We’re goin’ to the pub.

LEE:  You guys shouldn’t be doing that stuff in my hotel room.

WARREN:  Bread says it’s legal here in England.

LEE:  How are you even still alive.

(There’s a knock at the door and Warren & Bread paranoidally cover up the coke lines with magazines. Lee opens the door and is greeted by Lady Hortense, Duchess of Sussex…)

LEE:  Lady Hortense.

HORTENSE:  Lee, you need to come with me.

BREAD:  (poking head out from behind Lee)  Ain’t you a princess?

(Lee, Warren & Bread are in a royal caravan racing through backstreets with a police escort. Lady Hortense is sitting across from them…)

LEE:  Hortense, what’s wrong?

HORTENSE:  It’s Harry. He’s sick.

BREAD:  The Duke of bloody Sussex?

WARREN:  What the hell are you people talking about.

LEE:  Hor, I’m not a doctor. I don’t know what I can–

HORTENSE:  He’s addicted to your e-cigarettes.

LEE:  Oh.

(In a back room of Buckingham Palace manned by Royal Guards, Prince Harry Duke of Sussex is thrashing about, smashing vases and carrying on…)

WARREN:  Wow, you guys have a lot of vases.

HARRY:  I want more bloody smokes!

BREAD:  Yeesh. Get a grip, guy.

HORTENSE:  You see? He’s gone mad. What’s in these things?

(Lady Hortense hands Lee a cashed e-cigarette labeled “Bloke Smoke” and Lee turns to Bread with an icy glare…)

BREAD:  Don’t look at me, luv. They’re your smokes, just with a sticker over the label.

LEE:  Well Hortense, cigarettes can be very addictive.

HORTENSE:  This isn’t a nicotine addiction. It’s something far more serious. The Queen is in a coma because of these cigarettes.

LEE:  Now there were a lot of mitigating factors to go along with that. The Queen is an elderly woman and she–

(Prince Harry grabs Lee by the lapels of her coat, flop-sweating with a frightening intensity in his eyes…)

HARRY:  I’ll give you anything you want for another e-cigarette. Do you want an island? The crown owns hundreds of islands.

WARREN:  I’d like an island.

LEE:  Shut up, Warren.

HORTENSE:  Lee, I’m not going to turn you in because you’re a friend and you had my back at the wedding. But you simply must take these e-cigarettes off the market. There’s something seriously wrong with them. And did I see a man on the telly giving e-cigarettes to children?

LEE:  That was a guerrilla marketing campaign gone wrong. That man had no affiliation to our organization.

HORTENSE:  Just sort this out, Lee. Before someone else gets hurt.

(Warren puts an arm around a shivering Prince Harry…)

WARREN:  Now about that island.

(Lee grabs Warren by the collar and drags him out of the palace…)

LEE:  (on the phone, exiting the palace)  Nellie, what the hell is in these e-cigarettes? It’s something far more addictive than nicotine!

WARREN:  (into Lee’s cellular)  Hi Nellie!

NELLIE:  (in her Chicago office, turns to Marco)  Marco, what’s in the e-cigarettes.

MARCO:  (not looking up from magazine)  Methamphetamine, miss.

NELLIE:  Methamphetami–oh god.

LEE:  I know you didn’t just say we’re selling crystal meth e-cigarettes.

WARREN:  (snorts key-boot of coke)  Crystal meth? Whoa, that’s real drugs.

NELLIE:  Lee, I suggest you unload these cigarettes as soon as possible.

LEE:  (hangs up)  Great, I’m a drug dealer now.

WARREN:  Well, could be worse.

LEE:  How. How could it be worse?

WARREN:  Um……… (holds up key)  ….bump?


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