Totally Radical Sportz!

Subconsciously – Chapter 6

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 06/09/2014


American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.

Chapter 6 – Marshmallow

RADIO:  Her Majesty the Queen remains in a coma this morning. Witnesses have now come forward claiming that shortly prior to Her Majesty’s episode following the royal wedding the Queen was supposedly seen smoking an e-cigarette with an unknown fem–

(Lee Cohn’s phone rings and she turns down the car radio…)

NELLIE:  Lee, I just wanted to give you a heads up. I put a call into Los Angeles.

LEE:  Oh no. Nellie, you didn’t.

NELLIE:  Yes, I’m afraid I did. I’m sorry, Lee; but we’re desperate. He’ll be in London this afternoon.

LEE:  Well, that should give me just enough time to hang myself in my hotel room.

(That afternoon Lee picks up Warren Marsh at Heathrow. Warren Marsh is the twenty-one year-old marketing whiz kid of Hollywood, a former coworker of Lee’s and a fellow protege of Nellie Turano’s…)

WARREN:  (sniffs)  So where’s the action in this town, Cohn. You get your dick wet yet or what?

LEE:  Ugh. I don’t have a dick, Warren. Unless you count the one I’m driving from the airport right now.

WARREN:  Funny. So I’ve been thinking about how I can save this whole e-Pocalypse campaign you’ve been screwing up.

LEE:  Actually, I’ve been doing just fine on my own. I’ve already gotten us a football club sponsorship.

WARREN:  Yeah, with a team no one’s ever heard of. Nope, we need a big name endorsement. Someone everybody on this trash island has heard of. We need Murray Chive.

(Lee & Warren are seated at an outdoor cafe in downtown London across from a pudgy, aged, toupee’d man hurriedly speaking on his cellular. Nearby diners are glancing at Mr. Chive with looks of disdain..)

LEE:  (leans over, whispering)  This guy’s a movie star?

WARREN:  This guy’s a legend.

LEE:  How come I’ve never heard of him.

WARREN:  Because this place is like its own country or something. I gotta tell ya, I hardly understand a word these people say.

LEE:  They’re speaking English. We’re in England.

WARREN:  (shrugs, sniffs)  I dunno.

MURRAY:  (hangs up)  Right, so what’s all this about.

WARREN:  Mr. Chive, we want you to be the future of e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.

MURRAY:  I’ll do it for two hundred thousand quid.

(The waitress thunks a plate down in front of Mr. Chive and walks away glaring at him…)

WARREN:  Done.

LEE:  (grabbing Warren’s sleeve, whispering)  That’s a quarter of our marketing budget.

WARREN:  Money well spent. These people love him. Now let’s go see this little soccer team of yours.

(Lee & Warren get up and leave as a passing motorist hollers “WANKER!” at Mr. Chive, who responds with a flipped bird and a smile as the car putters away…)

(Lee & Warren are sitting in the bleachers watching a Bumfordshire football match that the Humpledumps are somehow miraculously winning…)

WARREN:  Now for the second prong of my attack: Kids.

LEE:  What.

WARREN:  I got a guy who can synthesize flavors into the e-cigarettes we have in stock. Marshmallow, cotton candy, chocolate/peanut butter. Kids will love it.

LEE:  We’re not going to market e-cigarettes to children.

WARREN:  I even had the boys in the art department back west develop a mock-up of the character we’ll use in commercials.

(Warren shows Lee a picture on his phone of a cartoon vaping wolf…)

WARREN:  Meet ‘Wolf-e’, the e-cigarette-smoking wolf. We’ll have ads, we’ll put his face on lunchboxes, plush dolls, hell, maybe even a Saturday morning cartoon.

LEE:  This is absolutely deplorable. I’m calling Nellie.

WARREN:  She’s already signed off on it.

LEE:  What.

WARREN:  She said you guys are desperate and to use my best judgment.

LEE:  And this is your best judgment. Getting children addicted to e-cigarettes with some cheap Joe camel knockoff.

WARREN:  (stares off wistfully)  God, that was a brilliant campaign.

LEE:  Warren–

WARREN:  Look, Cohn. These kids are gonna smoke cigarettes. They’re kids. That’s what kids do. If they’re gonna do it anyway, why not get ’em to smoke ours.

LEE:  How do you sleep at night?

WARREN:  I usually don’t. Speaking of, you know where a fella can score some blow?

(Lee hops off the bleacher and is heading back to her car when she spots Bumfordshire F.C. president Judy Wellesley slipping the head ref a large wad of British pounds after Bumfordshire’s victory…)

LEE:  (sighs)  Oh, this day.

(Back in Chicago, Nellie Turano is Googling the new spokesman for e-Pocalypse and she stumbles across an old YouTube clip from a British morning talk show dated years earlier titled ‘Murray Chive Racist Meltdown’…)

NELLIE:  Oh no.

(Nellie clicks on the link and a red-faced Murray Chive is hollering at a speechless female host…)

MURRAY:  And I’ll tell ya another thing about the Jews! They’re a bunch of greedy Hebrews who control the banks and the weather. ‘Course at least they don’t smell as bad as the nig–

(Nellie shuts down the browser window and a pale pallor washes over her face…)

NELLIE:  Oh, this day.

Send all hate mail to

Comments Off on Subconsciously – Chapter 6

%d bloggers like this: