Subconsciously – Chapter 5
American Lee Cohn lies her way through England in order to acquire a football team endorsement for e-Pocalypse energy supplement e-cigarettes.
Chapter 5 – Judy
(Nellie Turano and Mexican drug lord and e-Pocalypse e-cigarette energy supplement financier Mr. “Nacho” Notchizedes’ henchman Marco Taveras are standing stranded on a small snowy airfield in rural Nebraska…)
PILOT: We can have the engine fixed by tomorrow, but we’ll have to stay here for the night.
NELLIE: In Bumfuck, Nebraska?
MARCO: (frowning) Map says Langville.
(Meanwhile in Bumfordshire, England, Lee Cohn is meeting with the president of Bumfordshire F.C., a ninety-year-old white-hair named Judy Wellesley…)
JUDY: I could have been a Dame, you know.
LEE: Yes, you’re one helluva dame, Miss Wellesley. Now about that sponsorship deal we discussed?
JUDY: Dame Judy Wellesley. How noble that would have sounded. If it weren’t for that bastard the Earl of Halfordshire–
LEE: Miss Wellesley, the football club? The e-cigarette sponsorship?
JUDY: Oh, I’m not really a hands-on club president. I let Coach Martin and the boys do most of the heavy lifting. I am getting on in years, you know.
LEE: Yes, but unfortunately you’re still the one signing the checks. Otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered you during your tea.
JUDY: I was quite the young whippersnapper in my early years. I inherited the club from my late father fresh out of university. I had the boys poised for a run at the cup that first year. We were the talk of the town. But then the war happened..
LEE: Yes, Vietnam. Very sad. So if you could just sign here.
JUDY: You know, maybe I should get back on that field. Perform some transactions and give our boys one more shot at victory.
LEE: (slumps shoulders, hangs head) Oh Miss Wellesley, you are exhausting.
(In a motel room in Langville, Nebraska…)
NELLIE: Can’t believe there was only one room available. Who the hell vacations in Nebraska.
MARCO: (browsing a brochure in the other bed) They have a yarn museum.
NELLIE: Where’s the pilot going to sleep?
MARCO: He sleeps on the plane.
NELLIE: Just you and me then, huh Marco.
MARCO: Yes, miss.
NELLIE: So when did you start…henching for Nacho. Is henching the right word?
MARCO: Mr. Notchizedes is my uncle’s brother.
NELLIE: You mean your father?
MARCO: I have no father.
NELLIE: So he’s your uncle.
MARCO: No, he’s the brother of my uncle.
NELLIE: Well Marco, the brother of your uncle is also your uncle. Or your father.
MARCO: No father. Uncle’s brother.
NELLIE: So he’s your uncle. You can have more than one uncle, you know.
MARCO: He is the brother of my uncle.
NELLIE: (sits up in bed) Marco, you have an uncle. Correct?
NELLIE: And Nacho is your uncle’s brother. Correct?
MARCO: Si. Hermano.
NELLIE: Then that makes Nacho also your uncle. That’s how uncles work.
MARCO: My uncle is unemployed.
NELLIE: (flops back down into bed) Oh Marco, you are exhausting.
(The next morning in Bumfordshire, Lee is back at the patchy brown soccer field struggling to hang up an e-Pocalypse banner on the lone bleacher, while the soccer team practices clumsily, resulting in a variety of nutshots. Lee is startled by a booming voice behind her and the banner flutters to the ground…)
JUDY: Miss Cohn, you have inspired me!
LEE: Miss Wellesley, I didn’t think you attended practices.
JUDY: Well, I do now. I’ve decided to take a more hands-on approach.
LEE: Well, that’s…lovely.
BREAD: Oy, mum!
(A doughy bald man saunters toward the ladies and Lee recognizes him as the same grinning idiot who stole her e-cigarette design and her Manchester City F.C. sponsorship deal…)
JUDY: Oh Lee, I’d like you to meet my oldest son, Bread. Bread, this is Lee Cohn. From America.
BREAD: (sneering) We’ve met. Hello, luv. Landed the big Bumfordshire sponsorship deal, have ya.
LEE: (eyes narrow) Hello…Bread.
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