Dust Bowl – Chapter 4
The great Dust Bowl of the 1930′s strikes and Oklahoman Woody Loggins and his Mexican friend Pepe pack up shop and head West.
Chapter 4 – Vigilante Man
Max: (between coughing fits) This is great. Just great! This moron crashes my car and now we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and I’m dying of Dust Bowl Fever!
Rose: Maxwell, relax. We’re going to find help.
Max: I never should’ve trusted that idiot with my property.
Rose: At least we all got out in one piece.
(Woody Loggins, his confidante Pepe and the engaged-to-be-married Max Eisenberg and Rose Nightengale are walking away from the wreckage of Max’s brand-new Ford through a meadow in rural New Mexico…)
Pepe: What made you swerve off the road, Mr. Loggins?
Woody: I saw her, Pepe.
Pepe: Saw who, Mr. Loggins?
Woody: My mother. She was standing in the middle of the road.
Pepe: Ay dios mio, is happening again. The Huntington’s.
Woody: I’m fine, Pepe.
Pepe: We have to go back home. Ms. Diana will know what to do.
Woody: I’m fine, Pepe. There’s nothing for us back home. We have to keep moving forward.
(The foursome enter the small town they had been driving towards to find medicine for the ailing Max…)
Woody: See? We’re here. Now let’s find a doctor.
(A small buck-toothed boy on the front stoop of a shanty strums his banjo while smiling a toothy grin, as vultures circle overhead…)
Woody: …before we get murdered.
(On a train racing cross-country, President Herbert Hoover is meeting with his reelection campaign staff…)
Hoover: And the Jews! We have to do something about the Jews!
(Hoover’s Chief of Staff Reginald Thorngood drags the President into the next train car…)
Thorngood: (to the staff, while exiting the train car) Haha, the President was just joking!
Hoover: No, I wasn’t. What are you–
Thorngood: Mr. President, I’ve just received the latest polls. FDR is beating you handily on all fronts.
Hoover: Everybody knows those polls are run by the–
Thorngood: Enough with the Jews! Mr. President, from here on out you need to do exactly what I say. This is why you hired me.
Hoover: What did you have in mind?
Thorngood: No one will elect a President if they think he’s weak; be it mentally or, more importantly, physically. There’s a doctor from France currently teaching in Los Angeles, Louis Pasteur, who has invented a new disease that weakens the immune system and can cripple a man. If your opponent were to “catch” this disease, he’d be running for President from a wheelchair. He’d be unelectable.
Hoover: My goodness, what’s this disease called?
(In the doctor’s office of Cahoolawassee, New Mexico…)
Max: Doctor, I feel like a hundred bucks!
Doc: Well, that’s good; because this medicine costs a hundred bucks.
(Max writes the doctor a check for two hundred dollars…)
Max: Better prescribe a little extra. We’ve got a bit of a journey before we get to California.
Doc: Very well.
Rose: Doctor, out of curiosity, what is this “miracle cure” for Dust Bowl Fever called?
Doc: Well, here in Cahoolawassee we call it “cocaine”.
(As the four, including a very wired Max, are trying to find a method of travel in order to reunite with their Okie caravan heading west, a grizzled man on horseback pulls up in front of them…)
Pinkerton: Gonna need y’all folks to halt right there.
Rose: (laying a hand on her shaking fiancee’s shoulder) Max, calm down.
Woody: You the sheriff?
Pinkerton: Nope. (spits) I’m Jim Pinkerton, INS. Are you Pepe Alejandro Guadalupe Giuseppe Alonzo Gomez?
Pinkerton: Then you, sir, are under arrest.
Pepe: I am part-Italian.
Send all hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org