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Food Additives – Chapter 6

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/02/2013

HetroChemical Corp.

Larry Tittleman lies his way up the corporate ladder of a global biotech conglomerate and back down again into federal prison…

Chapter 6 – Triple Agent

(Larry Tittleman awakes on the bottom bunk of his cell in Jackson State Penitentiary to a crescendo of commotion echoing up the cell block, growing ever closer. Tyrone Jackson drops down from the top bunk, shiv in hand…)

Tyrone:  It’s time, fish. Race riot’s a comin’.

Larry:  (pulls covers up to chin, shakes head)  I don’t wanna.

Tyrone:  Just stick with me, Tittleman. You’ll be fine.

Larry:  But-but isn’t that against the rules of a race riot?

(A large skinhead barrels into their cell and Tyrone fells him with one blow and a shiv to the gut. Larry’s face goes pale…)

Tyrone:  Man, ain’t no rules in a race riot. Just stay close to me. Tell me more of your story to keep your mind off things.

Larry:  Uh…okay.


“I returned to HetroChemical CEO Campbell Ulysses’ office after my meeting with the ELF…”

Ulysses:  They wanna burn my company to the ground, eh?

Larry:  Yes, sir. Now I think we’ve got enough evidence and eyewitness testimony that if we go to the authorities now we can stop them before–

Ulysses:  Let’s let this play out.

Larry:  Pardon, sir.

Ulysses:  The bastards wanna fight, we’ll fight. Honestly didn’t even know the hippies had it in ’em.

Larry:  Sir, they’re a notoriously dangerous eco-terrorist group.

Ulysses:  And you’re their new golden boy, Tittleman. Squeeze ’em for every drop of intel you can get. Don’t worry, we’ll crush ’em before they hurt anybody.

Larry:  But sir, I think if–

Ulysses:  Great talk, Tittleman!

Larry:  (sighs, exits)


(Larry finds Krysten Ratking in one of the basement labs, feeding a neon-glowing carrot to a white rat…)

Krysten:  Don’t bother me, Larry. I’m not making you any more booze apples.

Larry:  No, not that. Krysten, have you ever heard anything about bees with little cameras on them. Some sort of NSA espionage thing?

Krysten:  (drops her clipboard and pushes Larry against a wall)  That’s top secret. Where did you hear about that?

Larry:  Huh, so the ELF was right.

Krysten:  The ELF?  (eyes narrow)  Are you a corporate spy?

Larry:  No! I, uh…hoo boy. Let’s go talk to Mr. Campbell.


(Back in CEO Campbell’s office…)

Ulysses:  You told her about the ELF? Tittleman, we gotta put a cap on this thing. Who else did you tell?

(Minutes later Krysten, Larry and Mr. Campbell are joined by Eddie and Barf, quietly licking his asshole in the corner…)

Ulysses:  You told your secretary?

Eddie:  (raises a finger)  Friend first, administrative assistant second.

Larry:  Well…

Ulysses:  And your dog? Who the hell’s your dog gonna tell?

Larry:  Mr. Campbell, ever since I joined the ELF, I’ve become attuned with nature. The animals speak to us. And the trees. And the grass, which is like little trees. And–

Ulysses:  Tittleman, you know you’re not actually in the ELF, right? You’re just doing all this for HetroChemical.

Larry:  Yeah, sure. Totally. Spy stuff. Like the NSA bee program.

Ulysses:  Who told you about Operation Bumble?

Larry:  Harmony and Persimmon. The ELF.

Ulysses:  My god, they know more than I thought. Tittleman, get back to them and let them plan out how they’re gonna take down HetroChemical. I want an outline of how to stop them in their tracks by morning. And as for the rest of you, we’re keeping a tight lid on this whole operation. Got that?

Krysten:  Yes, sir.

Eddie:  Yes sir, Mr. Campbell sir.

Barf:  (licks asshole)


(That evening back at the grange hall Larry, Eddie and Barf are meeting with Harmony, Persimmon, Olive and the ELF…)

Harmony:  (standing over a blueprint of the HetroChemical campus)  We detonate ordinances here, here and here and the whole place should go up before the nearest fire station can even begin to respond.

Olive:  Those buildings are full of chemicals that the HetroChemical bastards are putting in our food. We’ll use their own creations against them as a weapon.

Persimmon:  It’s brilliant, Harmony.

Larry:  Yeah, this is really…something. You’re sure nobody’s going to get hurt?

Harmony:  The ELF prides itself on committing victimless acts of freedom fighting. We do this for Mother Earth.

Larry:  Yeah, she’s a great lady. But janitors? Security guards?

Harmony:  If we strike in the middle of the night as planned, the death toll should be minimal.

Larry:  Minimal. That sounds like more than zero.

Olive:  If a fascist private army soldier gets caught in the backdraft, then he should’ve known better than to work for the capitalist corporate pigs in the first place.

Persimmon:  Olive.

Harmony:  (rests a hand on Larry’s shoulder)  I will personally make sure all buildings are vacated before detonation. Now you’ve still got that key card, right?

Larry:  (pulls the elastic cord attached to his shirt pocket)  At the ready.  (snaps back and hits him in the nipple)  Ow.

Harmony:  Perfect. It’s all coming together, people.

(Persimmons rests a hand on Larry’s…)

Persimmon:  Can I speak to you outside, Thistle?

Larry:  Who? Oh, yeah. Sure.

(Out back behind the grange hall, Persimmon puts a finger to her lips as she reveals a badge that reads ‘NSA’…)

Persimmon:  I know you’re not really ELF, Larry Tittleman. Because neither am I.

Larry:  What the.

Persimmon:  That intel Harmony has about the surveillance bees is true. I’ve been tracking this group for months. Tomorrow night, while they’re setting their bombs, you’re going to help me acquire the bees and remove them from the premises before the whole operation goes south.

Larry:  Why don’t you just take the bees now, since HetroChemical is developing them for you guys at the NSA.

Persimmon:  That part of Harmony’s intel was incorrect. HetroChemical technically isn’t developing the hybrid cyborg bees for us. But we’d still like to acquire them. For the good of the country. It’d be a shame to lose such an advanced method of surveillance in that blaze.

Larry:  Wait, you’re still gonna let them burn the buildings down?

Persimmon:  The fire’s not my jurisdiction, Larry. I’m just here for the bees.

Eddie:  (pokes head outside)  Larry, you better get in here. Barf pooped on the blueprint.


(Back in Jackson State Penitentiary, Tyrone and Larry have barricaded themselves behind overturned tables in the prison cafeteria, chaos erupting on all sides…)

Tyrone:  Hoo boy, you might wanna wrap your story up there, Tittleman. Things is lookin’ grim.

Larry:  We’re almost to the end.

Tyrone:  You can say that again.

Larry:  (gulps)


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