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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 302

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/22/2013

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They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 302 – Bikes of Passage

Schette:  A computer that can predict crimes before they happen. Imagine that. The future!

Faulk:  It doesn’t do that. Stop pressing all those buttons.

(Det. Harry Schette is jabbing at a new computer in their car, while Det. Ricky Faulk steers…)

Chief Chief:  (over the radio)  Faulk ‘n Schette!

Schette:  Ooh. It can speak, too. Computer, image search: Selena Gomez, bikini.

Faulk:  That’s Chief Chief on the radio, Harry.

Chief:  How’s the investigation coming along, men? Are we any closer to discovering who beheaded that Armenian gangster?

Faulk:  We’ve got a lead, Chief. The men who shot at Harry got away on bikes, so we’re gonna ask our biker friend if there’ve been any recent purchases at his cycle shop.

Schette:  Chief, why don’t we just ask this here computer who’s choppin’ off gangster heads since it can predict crimes.

Chief:  Schette, that’s not a real technology.

Schette:  Well, not with an attitude like that.

Dog:  (leaps up from backseat)  Ruff!

Schette:  Shh! Quiet, Dog.

Chief:  Is that a dog in your car?

Schette:  Haha no, Chief. I’m just watching a hilarious viral video on the new computer. A dog’s riding a horse. Haha, irreverent!  (clicks button)  Phew, that was a close one. The Chief almost found out I brought Dog along on our investigation.

Chief:  I can still hear you.

Faulk:  (clicks off radio)  You really gotta learn how to use this thing.

~~~

(Ricky and Harry enter Viking Cycle Shop, the headquarters of biker gang The Raidin’ Vikes. Linus, the detectives’ inside informant, is working the front desk…)

Linus:  Get out. Get out!

Faulk:  Whoa easy, Linus. We just want to ask you a couple questions.

Linus:  That’s what you said last time and you almost got me killed.

Schette:  Yeah, but you gotta admit that brawl was fun.

Linus:  It was at a wake.

Schette:  (shakes head)  Wake brawls. Never see ’em comin’.

Faulk:  We need to know if you’ve sold any bikes recently to a group of men, possibly Armenian.

Schette:  There’s a possibility one of them may have been headless.

Faulk:  Why don’t you just let me do the talking, Harry.

Schette:  Fair enough.  (wanders off)

Linus:  We did have some bikes stolen the other night. I was off, but Rolo and the boys apparently got into a pretty good shootout with the guys that did it. If anybody got a look at the thieves, it’d be Rolo.

Faulk:  Then we’re gonna have to speak with your boss, Rolo.

Linus:  The Vikes are working security at the Billy Joel concert tonight.  (grins)  You guys should come by, I’m sure Rolo would love to see you.

(Henry pokes one motorcycle and a long line of bikes go toppling over like dominoes…)

Schette:  (hands behind back)  Uh…are these stick shift?

Linus:  (glowers)

~~~

(In the back room of a pizzeria in Little Armenia…)

Nikos:  Papa Garbanian, you sent for me?

Papa:  Yes, Nikos. Any developments on finding the men who killed your cousin, Yenni?

Nikos:  None yet, Papa. But some police are snooping around.

Papa:  Don’t let them find the culprit before you do. We handle our business our way. They cut off our heads, we cut off theirs and then some.

Nikos:  Like…their necks? Part of their shoulders?

~~~

(Detectives Faulk & Schette are in all-leather as they make their way through the back halls of the Palladium…)

Faulk:  I’m not so sure about this, Harry. Didn’t Rolo and the rest of the Raidin’ Vikes see our faces at that wake brawl? Won’t they know we’re cops?

Schette:  Oh! That’s why I’m wearin’ a fake mustache over here! Oh!

Faulk:  You’re not wearing a fake mustache. And is that a Bronx accent?

Schette:  It’s Queens. I’m like frickin’ Kevin James over here.  (drops voice, rubs upper lip)  And dammit, I had that mustache on in the car. I hope Dog didn’t eat it.

(A tough biker puts a hand in Ricky’s chest as they approach the backstage area…)

Biker:  You guys Billy Joel’s backup singers?

Schette:  Oh! We’re here to help youse guys. Rolo sent for us. We’re from the Vallejo chapter.

Biker:  Then why do you have a Brooklyn accent?

Schette:  Oh! It’s Queens, ya gabagool! I’m a Queen! Queeny Queens guy.

Biker:  Rolo’s through there. Keep your heads on a swivel, boys. Tough crowd tonight.

(The detectives pass and Ricky glances back at the large biker…)

Faulk:  For a Billy Joel show?

Schette:  (regular voice)  I dunno, maybe he’s getting into some harder shit.  (Queens voice)  Oh! If it isn’t the one and only Rolo!

(A large older bearded man turns to greet the detectives…)

Rolo:  Do I know you fellas?

Schette:  I’m Boscoe. This here’s Roscoe. We’re from the Vallejo chapter. Go Vikes!

Rolo:  (confused grin)  Boscoe and Roscoe. That’s cute.

Faulk:  Linus said you boys might need an extra hand, what with the recent thefts and shootouts.

Rolo:  You heard about that, huh?

Faulk:  Yeah. So who was it, anyway? The Armenians?

Rolo:  (frowns)  Why would you say that?

Faulk:  I dunno. Just heard they’re getting back in the game.

Rolo:  Oh yeah? Where’d you hear that?

Faulk:  Um…the streets?

Schette:  The mean streets where tough-nosed greasers like us thrive.

Faulk:  (whispering)  Take it down a notch, Boscoe.

Rolo:  Well I don’t know nothin’ about that; but those bike thieves definitely weren’t Armenian.

Faulk:  Why do you say that?

Rolo:  ‘Cause they were shoutin’ in Spanish. Leader called himself ‘Blanco’.

Schette:  Maybe they was Spanish Armenians.

Rolo:  Don’t I know you guys from somewhere?

Schette:  We just told ya, we’re Roscoe and Boscoe from the Vallejo chapter.

Faulk:  So you think they were Mexican?

Rolo:  Possibly.  We’re lookin’ into it. (eyes widen)  Hey, wait a minute. I know where I know you guys from. You’re the two asshole cops who started that brawl at my mother’s wake!

Schette:  No, we’re not. I got a mustache!

Rolo:  No, you don’t.

Schette:  (regular voice)  Damn. Thought you wouldn’t notice.

Rolo:  (hollering)  Boys, these are the pigs that started that wake brawl! Get ’em!

(Harry and Ricky turn to sprint from the clamoring horde of bloodthirsty bikers…)

Schette:  (Queens voice)  Oh! What a predicament.

Faulk:  Shut up. Shut up!

~~~

(In an old diner just west of downtown LA…)

Radio:  A riot at a Billy Joel concert at the Palladium has left four dead and dozens others wounded today, as–

Schette:  Man, we barely got out of that scrape, huh Ricky?

Faulk:  (chewing a grilled cheese at the counter)  Yup.

Schette:  Huh, Dog?

Dog:  (sitting on the stool next to Harry, eating fries off a plate)  Ruff!

Schette:  Guess we should look into this Blanco fella tomorrow, huh Ricky?

Ricky:  Mhmm.

Schette:  Huh, Dog?

Dog:  (busily chewing fries)

Diner Cook:  You can’t have that dog in here.

Schette:  Why not? You guys do serve dog food.

Cook:  No, we don’t.

Schette:  Then whaddya call this burger I’m eatin’! Oh! (freezes mid-laugh)

Cook:  (stares)  Why’d he stop moving?

Faulk:  Just ignore him.

Dog:  (pees on floor)

~~~

Email this peehound at ethanrbooker@gmail.com

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