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Faulk ‘N Schette: Buddy Cops – Episode 302

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/22/2013


They’re cops. They’re buddies. They’re buddy cops. This is their story.

Episode 302 – Bikes of Passage

Schette:  A computer that can predict crimes before they happen. Imagine that. The future!

Faulk:  It doesn’t do that. Stop pressing all those buttons.

(Det. Harry Schette is jabbing at a new computer in their car, while Det. Ricky Faulk steers…)

Chief Chief:  (over the radio)  Faulk ‘n Schette!

Schette:  Ooh. It can speak, too. Computer, image search: Selena Gomez, bikini.

Faulk:  That’s Chief Chief on the radio, Harry.

Chief:  How’s the investigation coming along, men? Are we any closer to discovering who beheaded that Armenian gangster?

Faulk:  We’ve got a lead, Chief. The men who shot at Harry got away on bikes, so we’re gonna ask our biker friend if there’ve been any recent purchases at his cycle shop.

Schette:  Chief, why don’t we just ask this here computer who’s choppin’ off gangster heads since it can predict crimes.

Chief:  Schette, that’s not a real technology.

Schette:  Well, not with an attitude like that.

Dog:  (leaps up from backseat)  Ruff!

Schette:  Shh! Quiet, Dog.

Chief:  Is that a dog in your car?

Schette:  Haha no, Chief. I’m just watching a hilarious viral video on the new computer. A dog’s riding a horse. Haha, irreverent!  (clicks button)  Phew, that was a close one. The Chief almost found out I brought Dog along on our investigation.

Chief:  I can still hear you.

Faulk:  (clicks off radio)  You really gotta learn how to use this thing.


(Ricky and Harry enter Viking Cycle Shop, the headquarters of biker gang The Raidin’ Vikes. Linus, the detectives’ inside informant, is working the front desk…)

Linus:  Get out. Get out!

Faulk:  Whoa easy, Linus. We just want to ask you a couple questions.

Linus:  That’s what you said last time and you almost got me killed.

Schette:  Yeah, but you gotta admit that brawl was fun.

Linus:  It was at a wake.

Schette:  (shakes head)  Wake brawls. Never see ’em comin’.

Faulk:  We need to know if you’ve sold any bikes recently to a group of men, possibly Armenian.

Schette:  There’s a possibility one of them may have been headless.

Faulk:  Why don’t you just let me do the talking, Harry.

Schette:  Fair enough.  (wanders off)

Linus:  We did have some bikes stolen the other night. I was off, but Rolo and the boys apparently got into a pretty good shootout with the guys that did it. If anybody got a look at the thieves, it’d be Rolo.

Faulk:  Then we’re gonna have to speak with your boss, Rolo.

Linus:  The Vikes are working security at the Billy Joel concert tonight.  (grins)  You guys should come by, I’m sure Rolo would love to see you.

(Henry pokes one motorcycle and a long line of bikes go toppling over like dominoes…)

Schette:  (hands behind back)  Uh…are these stick shift?

Linus:  (glowers)


(In the back room of a pizzeria in Little Armenia…)

Nikos:  Papa Garbanian, you sent for me?

Papa:  Yes, Nikos. Any developments on finding the men who killed your cousin, Yenni?

Nikos:  None yet, Papa. But some police are snooping around.

Papa:  Don’t let them find the culprit before you do. We handle our business our way. They cut off our heads, we cut off theirs and then some.

Nikos:  Like…their necks? Part of their shoulders?


(Detectives Faulk & Schette are in all-leather as they make their way through the back halls of the Palladium…)

Faulk:  I’m not so sure about this, Harry. Didn’t Rolo and the rest of the Raidin’ Vikes see our faces at that wake brawl? Won’t they know we’re cops?

Schette:  Oh! That’s why I’m wearin’ a fake mustache over here! Oh!

Faulk:  You’re not wearing a fake mustache. And is that a Bronx accent?

Schette:  It’s Queens. I’m like frickin’ Kevin James over here.  (drops voice, rubs upper lip)  And dammit, I had that mustache on in the car. I hope Dog didn’t eat it.

(A tough biker puts a hand in Ricky’s chest as they approach the backstage area…)

Biker:  You guys Billy Joel’s backup singers?

Schette:  Oh! We’re here to help youse guys. Rolo sent for us. We’re from the Vallejo chapter.

Biker:  Then why do you have a Brooklyn accent?

Schette:  Oh! It’s Queens, ya gabagool! I’m a Queen! Queeny Queens guy.

Biker:  Rolo’s through there. Keep your heads on a swivel, boys. Tough crowd tonight.

(The detectives pass and Ricky glances back at the large biker…)

Faulk:  For a Billy Joel show?

Schette:  (regular voice)  I dunno, maybe he’s getting into some harder shit.  (Queens voice)  Oh! If it isn’t the one and only Rolo!

(A large older bearded man turns to greet the detectives…)

Rolo:  Do I know you fellas?

Schette:  I’m Boscoe. This here’s Roscoe. We’re from the Vallejo chapter. Go Vikes!

Rolo:  (confused grin)  Boscoe and Roscoe. That’s cute.

Faulk:  Linus said you boys might need an extra hand, what with the recent thefts and shootouts.

Rolo:  You heard about that, huh?

Faulk:  Yeah. So who was it, anyway? The Armenians?

Rolo:  (frowns)  Why would you say that?

Faulk:  I dunno. Just heard they’re getting back in the game.

Rolo:  Oh yeah? Where’d you hear that?

Faulk:  Um…the streets?

Schette:  The mean streets where tough-nosed greasers like us thrive.

Faulk:  (whispering)  Take it down a notch, Boscoe.

Rolo:  Well I don’t know nothin’ about that; but those bike thieves definitely weren’t Armenian.

Faulk:  Why do you say that?

Rolo:  ‘Cause they were shoutin’ in Spanish. Leader called himself ‘Blanco’.

Schette:  Maybe they was Spanish Armenians.

Rolo:  Don’t I know you guys from somewhere?

Schette:  We just told ya, we’re Roscoe and Boscoe from the Vallejo chapter.

Faulk:  So you think they were Mexican?

Rolo:  Possibly.  We’re lookin’ into it. (eyes widen)  Hey, wait a minute. I know where I know you guys from. You’re the two asshole cops who started that brawl at my mother’s wake!

Schette:  No, we’re not. I got a mustache!

Rolo:  No, you don’t.

Schette:  (regular voice)  Damn. Thought you wouldn’t notice.

Rolo:  (hollering)  Boys, these are the pigs that started that wake brawl! Get ’em!

(Harry and Ricky turn to sprint from the clamoring horde of bloodthirsty bikers…)

Schette:  (Queens voice)  Oh! What a predicament.

Faulk:  Shut up. Shut up!


(In an old diner just west of downtown LA…)

Radio:  A riot at a Billy Joel concert at the Palladium has left four dead and dozens others wounded today, as–

Schette:  Man, we barely got out of that scrape, huh Ricky?

Faulk:  (chewing a grilled cheese at the counter)  Yup.

Schette:  Huh, Dog?

Dog:  (sitting on the stool next to Harry, eating fries off a plate)  Ruff!

Schette:  Guess we should look into this Blanco fella tomorrow, huh Ricky?

Ricky:  Mhmm.

Schette:  Huh, Dog?

Dog:  (busily chewing fries)

Diner Cook:  You can’t have that dog in here.

Schette:  Why not? You guys do serve dog food.

Cook:  No, we don’t.

Schette:  Then whaddya call this burger I’m eatin’! Oh! (freezes mid-laugh)

Cook:  (stares)  Why’d he stop moving?

Faulk:  Just ignore him.

Dog:  (pees on floor)


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