Christ, Almighty! – Episode 102
Episode 102 – Jesus Gone Fishin’
(Jesus Christ is woken up by a tapping on the window. The holy savior is laying in the backseat of his ’89 Civic and his head is pounding after a night spent drinking away the sorrows of his recent breakup, layoff and eviction…)
Pete: Wake up, Jesus.
(Jesus opens his back door and a dozen empty beer cans tumble onto the sidewalk outside the Santa Monica Public Marina…)
Pete: (grins) Rough night?
Pete: What happened to your face?
Jesus: (sticks tongue into hole where top left eye tooth once was) Moses.
(The two men walk down the dock, Jesus popping on shades to avoid the glare of the early morning sun…)
Pete: What, is he still around too?
Jesus: Not that Moses.
(The carpenter and the fisherman reach the end of the pier where a shorter man a couple years younger than Pete is untying a rinky-dink old fishing boat named “Bethesda” from the dock…)
Pete: This is my brother, Andy Simeon. Andy, this is Jesus.
Andy: (looks Jesus up and down) You’re not gonna be able to fish in that gown.
Jesus: It’s a robe.
Pete: He’ll be fine. We better get goin’, fellas. Lotta work ahead of us.
(Pete and Jesus climb into the Bethesda and Pete takes the wheel, breathing in deeply…)
Pete: Ahhh. Smell that fresh sea air.
(Jesus takes a whiff of years of fish guts caked into the boat floor and sprints to hurl over the starboard side…)
(Jesus and the Simeon Brothers have been at sea for an hour without a bite…)
Pete: (throws net off back of boat, ties rope to side) So your girlfriend left you, huh?
Jesus: (nods blearily, sips coffee out of canteen)
Pete: Yeah, I know how that is. My wife Phoebe left me a couple months back.
Jesus: Sorry to hear that.
Andy: (passes by carrying armful of rope) Don’t be. She was a bitch.
Pete: Andy! (chuckles) Actually, he’s kinda right. Still hurts, though.
Jesus: Judy was my rock. She was the only thing holding me together. Now I’ve got no cash, no jobs and no hope.
Pete: Well, we’re your rocks now, Jesus. Ain’t that right, Andy?
Andy: (glances back from steering the boat, shrugs)
Jesus: I really appreciate everything you fellas have done for me.
Pete: No problem, Jesus. It’s nice to have an extra set of hands on board. Just wish we could catch some damn fish.
(Jesus sighs, stands and walks to the end of the boat, his hands raised. Pete and Andy exchange a confused look and a moment later the sky is filled with fish. The floor of the boat is soon a writhing, flopping, shiny, scaly mess…)
Pete: (staring at Jesus, wide-eyed) How would you like a full-time job?
Jimmy: Well if it ain’t on the menu, it ain’t on the menu!
Jon: Menus are meant to be broken!
Jimmy: Not my menu, bucko!
Jon: My restaurant, my menu!
Jimmy: I ain’t cookin’ mackerel and that’s final!
(A pot comes flying out of the kitchen, knocking over a table setting and a door in the back is slammed. Jesus and the Simeon Brothers are in Scallops, a fine seafood restaurant on Santa Monica Beach…)
Pete: Hey, Jon. We got your order ready out back. Largest catch of the year.
(Jon Coin rises from picking up the broken plates and shakes Pete’s hand. Andy and a busboy clean up the mess…)
Jon: Morning, Pete. Sorry you boys had to see that. I’m just glad we’re not open yet. Jimmy gets a bit of a temper every now and then. Just a lovers’ quarrel is all.
Pete: Yeah, I know about those. Jon, I’d like you to meet the newest addition to Simeon Brothers Fishing, Jesus. Jesus, this is Jon Coin. Mr. Coin here is the proprietor of this fine establishment.
Jon: Hello, Jesus.
Jesus: (shakes Jon’s hand) Jon Coin. As in the author, Jon Coin? The one that writes all those novels about the dysfunctional families in southern Georgia?
Jon: (grins) Guilty as charged. You know, I think I saw your show in Vegas a few years back. What was it called, Miracles On Ice?
Jesus: Miracles Are Nice. Stupid title. I had a shit agent back then.
Jon: And then the whole thing with the paparazzi taking those photos of you nude in your hotel suite.
Jesus: (shakes his head staring out the large bay window at the front of the restaurant) Such an embarrassment.
Jon: Not among the gay community. Quite impressive.
Jesus: (blushes) Oh. Well, that’s a silver lining, I guess.
Jon: So what are you up to now, Jesus? Doing any shows around town?
Jesus: The calls haven’t really been coming in lately. I had a job in telemarketing, but I recently lost that.
Pete: Along with his girlfriend and his apartment.
Jesus: Thanks, Pete. Actually Jon, I’m trying to get into writing, like you. I’m working on a screenplay at the moment about my life.
Jon: Very interesting. Tell you what, I hold a little reading on Wednesday nights with some friends and some up-and-coming writers. Why don’t you swing by and read us a little excerpt tomorrow night. Might help to get a bit of constructive criticism from some fellow writers.
Jesus: I’d like that. Thanks, Jon.
Pete: (pats the Holy Lamb of God on the back) See, Jesus? It’s all gonna work out.
(Jon’s boyfriend and head chef Jimmy Zee comes bursting out of the kitchen, beaming…)
Jimmy: Jon! You gotta come out back and see all the fuckin’ mackerel!
(That evening, Jesus is on the deck of the Bethesda, the Simeon Brothers are sleeping in the cabin below…)
Jesus: (kneeling, hands clasped, eyes shut) Hey Dad, it’s me. I know I haven’t spoken to you in a while. Been busy with stuff. I just need some guidance. I’ve had a pretty rough last couple days. Judy dumped me. Lost my job at Conley Pharmaceuticals. Then that Russian asshole Victor kicked me out of my apartment. Sorry for swearing, Dad. It’s just, I dunno, I thought things were going to be better for me. I mean, I’m sleeping on the deck of a fishing boat for crying out loud. Everybody hates me. They throw trash at me on the street. Where did I go wrong? What did I do, Dad?…Dad?…Are you there, Dad?
Andy: (in low voice) Son! It is me, your father. Get some sleep!
Pete: Shut up, Andy. And shut up, Jesus!
Jesus: (sighs, climbs into hanging fishing net)
(A group of youths are walking past the dock…)
Teen: Hey look, a bum. Let’s throw rocks at him.
Jesus: Please, children. I’m not a bum. I’m your Lord Jesus Christ.
Teen: The Jesus?
Jesus: (smiles warmly) Yes, my son.
Teen: Quick, find some bigger rocks.
Jesus: (sighs, looks up to heavens) Forgive them father, for they know not what they–[hit in head with large rock] Ow! Hey, that really hurt!