Christ, Almighty! – Episode 101
Episode 101 – Jesus Gets Dumped
Judy: It’s just not working out, Jesus.
Judy: I think we need to break up.
(Jesus Christ and his now-ex-girlfriend Judy Keith — a freckled red-headed thirtysomething — are having lunch in a bistro down the street from Jesus’ office in Beverly Hills…)
Judy: See? It’s always about you.
Jesus: Baby, I can change. Just gimme a chance!
Judy: I’ve given you loads of chances.
Jesus: Is it the sex? I’m willing to try new things, if that’s what you want. I’ll let you stick your finger up my butt.
Judy: What? No. It’s not that at all. The sex was amazing; you made me see God. It’s just all the preaching and judging all the time. That’s why you don’t have any friends. You think you’re so high and mighty.
Jesus: I’m the one true savior of Man.
Judy: Give it a rest, Jesus. It’s over.
(Judy leaves money for the lunch and stands up to leave. Jesus quietly finishes his BLT as the tears well up…)
(Jesus is walking down Sunset back toward his office building when an older man across the street hollers at him…)
Man: Hey Jesus, you suck! My Nana got fucking cancer and died because of you!
Jesus: (waves meekly) Sorry.
(Jesus returns to the offices of Conley Pharmaceuticals — where he works as a telemarketer — and is greeted at his cubicle by his supervisor, Gary Vaughn…)
Gary: Walk with me, Christ.
Jesus: Yes sir, Mr. Vaughn.
(The two head out into the hallway and Gary rests a hand on Jesus’ robed shoulder…)
Gary: Christ, I’m really sorry about this; but we’re gonna have to let you go.
Gary: Your sales are down, Christ. And we’ve had complaints of you going off-script on a lot of your cold calls.
Jesus: Just speaking the word of God, boss.
Gary: In this office, sales are God, Christ. You’re done here. A guard will be around to escort you out of the building after you pack up your things.
Jesus: (glances down at the cheaply-carpeted hallway floor, wipes away a tear)
Gary: Jesus, Christ. Are you crying?
Jesus: It’s just been a really lousy day.
(Jesus is sipping a beer in a dive bar in Santa Monica when a bearded man in his late thirties/early forties sits down next to the Lamb of God…)
Pete: Mind if I sit here?
Jesus: It’s a free country.
Pete: (holds out hand) Name’s Pete.
Jesus: (shakes Pete’s hand) Jesus.
Pete: What’s wrong? My hand still wet?
Jesus: No, the name’s Jesus.
Pete: Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. You look a little glum. What’s up, Jesus?
Jesus: Nothing, Pete. Just kinda having a bad day. My girlfriend dumped me at lunch and I got fired from my job shortly after.
Pete: Oh, no. I–
Jesus: (nods) Gotcha.
Pete: You know, if you need something to hold you over until you find something better, I run a fishing boat with my brother. You could come give us a hand until you get back on your… (glances down below bar) …bare feet.
Jesus: You’d really do that for a guy you just met?
Pete: Sure. (grins) It’s the Christian thing to do, ain’t it? ‘Course, I’m Jewish, but…
Jesus: (vigorously shakes Pete’s hand) I really appreciate it, Pete. You won’t regret it.
Pete: My pleasure. Now how ’bout I buy you a few beers. Help you forget your troubles.
Jesus: I’m usually more of a wine guy; but, fuck it. Let’s get wasted.
(Jesus stumbles out of his diagonally sidewalk-parked ’89 Civic toward his apartment building and is greeted outside by his old Russian landlord, Victor Kravich…)
Victor: You no come in, Jesus. You are evicted.
Jesus: (staggers backward) Evic–[hic]–victed? You can’t evictor me, Victed.
Victor: I sure can. You don’t pay rent last month or this month.
Jesus: Victor. I just got fired and dumped all in the same day. I’m going to be working on a fi– [hic] –ish boat tomorrow. A fish boat! You know how hard it is to get fish smell out of cotton robes? Gimme a break, Vicky.
Victor: No break. Hit bricks, Jesus.
Jesus: Well, you’re a… [hic] …dick.
(Jesus takes a wild swing at Victor, misses and collapses to the sidewalk as his landlord goes back inside, shaking his head. A gorgeous brunette in her late thirties wearing a short skirt, low top and heels manages to drag Jesus to the curb and sits down next to him…)
Mary: You alright, baby?
Jesus: (sees two of her through glassy eyes) You girls are beautiful. Are you sis– [hic] –isters?
Mary: There’s only one of me, baby. You need some company for the night?
Jesus: I think I would like that, actually. My girlfriend dump– [hic] –umped me.
Mary: (puts arm around Jesus, stamps out cigarette with heel) Aw. I’m sorry, baby. You payin’?
Jesus: Oh, I don’t have any money. I lost my job today. You gotta pay to share company with friends now? This country stinks!
Mary: (grins) C’mon. Business is slow tonight, anyway. Gimme a ride to the liquor store. I’ll buy us a bottle.
(Mary lifts Jesus up and they stumble toward his Civic…)
Jesus: You smell like lemonade, lady.
Mary: Maybe I should drive.
(Jesus and Mary are sitting on the curb outside a Pink Elephant liquor store a couple blocks south of Jesus’ old apartment building, sharing a fifth of gin…)
Jesus: People hate me.
Mary: No, they don’t. Don’t they say tha–
Jesus: No. They do. They hate me. They just holler at me on the street in broad daylight. ‘Hey Jesus, you stink!’ ‘Hey Jesus, go suck an egg!’
Mary: (laughs, swigs gin) They tell you to suck an egg?
Jesus: Yeah. (chuckles) I don’t even know how you would do that.
Mary: I think snakes do it.
Jesus: Ugh. I hate snakes. [hic]
Mary: So, ‘Jesus’. Is that Mexican?
Jesus: Palestinian, actually. Or Israeli. I don’t really pay much attention to politics. You know, Mary was my mom’s name. (swigs gin)
Mary: Weird thing to tell a girl. (snatches bottle back)
Jesus: Yeah, I guess. (smiles at Mary, glances across street at a wandering stray dog) Why don’t you hate me?
Mary: I don’t even know you.
Jesus: You know, I’ve been thinking of a way to change everybody’s minds about me. To get ’em all to like me again.
Mary: (swigs gin, shaking nearly-empty bottle) What’s that?
(Jesus moves in close to whisper in Mary’s ear, but then just starts speaking in normal voice and she leans back…)
Jesus: I’m writing a movie.
Mary: Oh. A movie.
Jesus: Yeah. It’s gonna be about me. Show everybody what a good guy I am and how they can be good people too.
Mary: (finishes bottle, tosses it into street and it shatters) Well Jesus, that’s just about the best idea I’ve ever heard.
Jesus: (belches) Yeah, I like it. (tries to casually and coolly lean on elbow, collapses to ground, props himself back up staring up at the stars) You know, today I was dumped, fired and evicted. But here with you right now, Mary? This is the happiest I’ve felt in ages.
Mary: (pats Jesus’ back) I think you’re just drunk, baby.
Jesus: Yeah, you’re probably right. (glances around filthy sidewalk) Where am I gonna sleep tonight? Aw man, am I gonna have to sleep in my car like a maroon?
(Mary laughs as an old Cadillac pulls up onto the curb and a large hulking black man gets out and pulls Mary up by her arm…)
Moses: Bitch, who this raggedy-ass hobo you sittin’ here with?
Jesus: Oh no, sir. I’m not actually homeless. I’m just temporarily living out of my car for the time being.
Mary: He’s just a friend, Moses.
Moses: ‘Just a friend’? Bitch, you ain’t out here to make friends. You out here to make me my money!
Mary: Moses, please.
Jesus: (stumbles to feet) Now sir, that’s no way to treat an employee. And a lady employee at that! And a pretty lady employee at double that! There are labor laws in this state.
Moses: Bitch, I am the law!
(Moses slaps Jesus to the ground with the back of his hand, throws Mary in the Cadillac and she hollers out the backseat window as the car peels out…)
Mary: Bye, Jesus. See you around!
Jesus: (spits out a tooth and some blood) Still. All things considered, a pretty good night.
(A homeless man wanders over to the fallen savior and holds out his hand…)
Hobo: Hey, Jesus.
Jesus: (looking up) Yes, my son?
Hobo: (flips bird, flashes toothless grin) Fuck you.
Jesus: (lowers head) (sighs)