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Federal Prison – Episode 110

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/06/2012

Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…

Episode 110 –Flightengale

(Dick Wilson is on a quiet beach in Thailand, relaxing on a chair with Dr. Eva Person laying on his stomach. Booger Oates clinks fruity umbrella drink glasses with Dick…)

Booger:  We did it, homes.

Dick:  We sure did, homes.

Booger:  You know, I love that we’re calling each other ‘homes’ now. So cool.

Dick:  Sure is, homes.

Doc:  I still can’t believe you boys managed to pull off that escape.

Dick:  And I can’t believe that you agreed to quit your job and run away with us.

Doc:  (pets belly)  And now I’m carrying both your children.

Booger:  I don’t even remotely understand how that works.

Dick:  (sighs, smiling into the setting Thailand sun)  Penis and vagina, homes. Penis and vagina.

(Booger is shaking a sleeping Dick on the top bunk of their cell in the E-Block of Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary…)

Dick:  (muttering)  Penis and vagina. Penis and vagina.

Booger:  Wake up, Dick. Wake up!

(Booger smacks Dick’s face and he leaps out of bed, hollering…)

Dick:  PENIS AND VAGINA!

Booger:  (frowns)  What were you dreaming about?

Dick:  Uh, sports.

~~~

THURSDAY

(Down in the basement library, the escape tunnel is coming along nicely as Heinrich the German architect looks on…)

Dick:  What’s the good word, Heiny?

Heinrich:  The tunnel is a mere twenty yards from completion. We have been using the book stacks and shelves as support beams. The tunnel seems quite stable.

Dick:  So it would take a real drastic turn of events for this puppy to collapse, huh?

Heinrich:  Ja.

Dick:  (taps chin)  Interesting. Interesting.

Selena:  (pulling Dick aside)  Dick, I just wanted to thank you personally for helping me with all this; getting me out of here. I never would have lasted a day in women’s prison. You have my word that you will come off quite well in my Vanity Fair article.

Dick:  Selena, remember? You don’t actually write for Vanity Fair. That’s the whole reason we’re doing this; ’cause they can’t bail you out.

Selena:  Are you kidding me? With a prison break ending, this article’s sure to be the cover story.  (happily heads into the tunnel to assist with the dig)

Dick:  (frowning)  Huh.

~~~

(That evening, Dick is below the abandoned guards’ locker room as his second team is hammering away at a sewer pipe…)

Rich:  We’re almost through, boss. Should be out of here by tomorrow night.

Dick:  Good work, fellas. This should do fine. You’re further along than the other group.

(Andre glances at Dick suspiciously…)

Dick:  Uh, from what I’ve heard.

Andre:  You know, boss; I was thinkin’ of a way we could get ahead and stay ahead. For good.

Dick:  Oh yeah? What’s that?

(Andre grins and pulls a pipe out of his pant leg…)

Dick:  Get stoned? I could be down. Maybe some a capella Zeppelin?

Andre:  It’s a bomb.

Dick:  Oh.

Andre:  We blow their tunnel to shit and then we’re in the clear. No more competition. We waltz out of this place.

Dick:  I dunno, Andre. You could kill somebody.

Andre:  We plant it tonight after they all hit the sack. No harm, no foul. Unless you have some other reason for not wanting to blow up that tunnel.

Dick:  Who, me? Nonsense.  (nervous chuckle)  Let’s blow that fucker up.

Andre:  Good.  (hands Dick the pipe bomb)  Then you won’t have a problem doing the honors…boss.

Dick:  Hehe. Goodie.

~~~

FRIDAY

(Dick heads down to the library to find his dig team forlornly gathered around a collapsed escape tunnel…)

Dick:   Oh my gosh. What happened, you guys?

Slim:  The dang thing collapsed overnight, boss.

Dick:  Oh my goodness, what a terrible turn of events.

Selena:  I’m gonna die in a women’s prison.

(The cons glance at Sebastian/Selena confusedly. Booger throws an arm around her shoulder…)

Booger:  There there, Sele–Sebastian. Maybe you’ll die on the bus ride over there.

Francis:  Wait a minute, why would he–

Booger:  Hey, Dick. What do we do now? We have to think of another way out of here.

Dick:  Yeah, definitely. Maybe the old laundry chute trick? I dunno. Listen, I’ve gotta run. But you guys all stay here and mull this over.

(Dick races down the hall. Booger and Selena exchange glances and chase after him…)

~~~

(Booger and Selena peek into the abandoned guards’ locker room and gasp at Dick as he begins to climb down the other escape tunnel…)

Booger:  (whispering)  Go find a guard.

(Selena runs off. Booger leaps out from behind the lockers and Dick nearly slips and falls backward into the hole before catching himself…)

Booger:  Aha!

Dick:  Uh…aha!

Booger:  What are you doing here?

Dick:  What are you doing here?

Booger:  I was following you.

Dick:  Well…maybe I was following you…from the front.

Booger:  You’re escaping with the other group. You were playing us against each other the whole time.

Dick:  If it’s any consolation, I honestly thought your group would win.

Booger:  You’re an asshole, Dick Wilson. You really don’t care about anyone but yourself.

Dick:  I care about you, buddy.  (thinks, holds arms out)  You can have the Doc. She’s yours, pal. Huh? How about that?

Booger:  She’s pregnant with Councilman Hank’s baby. Do you guys ever talk?

Dick:  Our love has evolved beyond words. Anyway, byeee!

(Dick bonks Booger on the head with a hammer and disappears down the hole…)

~~~

(Dick is following Rich and Andre through the waste of a thousand federal inmates. A half-hour of crawling on hands and knees later, they arrive at a pipe emptying into a ravine, thirty yards outside the prison walls…)

Rich:  We did it! We’re free! We’re free!

(Andre claps Dick on the back as Dick sits on the edge of the sewer pipe…)

Andre:  Helluva plan, boss.

Dick:  (thinking)  Yeah. …I’m going back.

(Dick turns and begins the long crawl back…)

Andre:  You what?!

Dick:  I can’t abandon my friends! Whew, really smells like poop in here.

~~~

(A guard and Warden Julia Mack rouse Booger back from unconsciousness on the locker room floor…)

Guard:  Trying to escape, eh?

Booger:  What? No. I don’t know what that is. Looks like shoddy workmanship to me.

Warden:  Who’s down there? Who escaped?

Booger:  Nobody. I give you my word. Nobody has escaped from Wheelock Mill.

(Dick wearily climbs up out of the hole, caked in feces and sweat…)

Dick:  (out of breath, keeled over)  I admit it. I escaped. And Booger here knew the whole time.  (claps sloppy poopy arm around Booger’s shoulder)  ‘Cause he’s my friend.

(Warden Mack glances at Booger who flashes a sheepish grin…)

Warden:  Hole. Two months.

Dick:  (points at escape tunnel)  Can we make it this hole?

Guard:  Move it along, smartass.

Booger:  Why’d you have to lump me in there?

Dick:  ‘Cause you’re my buddy, buddy.

Booger:  I hate you.

THE END

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