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Federal Prison – Episode 110

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 12/06/2012

Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…

Episode 110 –Flightengale

(Dick Wilson is on a quiet beach in Thailand, relaxing on a chair with Dr. Eva Person laying on his stomach. Booger Oates clinks fruity umbrella drink glasses with Dick…)

Booger:  We did it, homes.

Dick:  We sure did, homes.

Booger:  You know, I love that we’re calling each other ‘homes’ now. So cool.

Dick:  Sure is, homes.

Doc:  I still can’t believe you boys managed to pull off that escape.

Dick:  And I can’t believe that you agreed to quit your job and run away with us.

Doc:  (pets belly)  And now I’m carrying both your children.

Booger:  I don’t even remotely understand how that works.

Dick:  (sighs, smiling into the setting Thailand sun)  Penis and vagina, homes. Penis and vagina.

(Booger is shaking a sleeping Dick on the top bunk of their cell in the E-Block of Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary…)

Dick:  (muttering)  Penis and vagina. Penis and vagina.

Booger:  Wake up, Dick. Wake up!

(Booger smacks Dick’s face and he leaps out of bed, hollering…)


Booger:  (frowns)  What were you dreaming about?

Dick:  Uh, sports.



(Down in the basement library, the escape tunnel is coming along nicely as Heinrich the German architect looks on…)

Dick:  What’s the good word, Heiny?

Heinrich:  The tunnel is a mere twenty yards from completion. We have been using the book stacks and shelves as support beams. The tunnel seems quite stable.

Dick:  So it would take a real drastic turn of events for this puppy to collapse, huh?

Heinrich:  Ja.

Dick:  (taps chin)  Interesting. Interesting.

Selena:  (pulling Dick aside)  Dick, I just wanted to thank you personally for helping me with all this; getting me out of here. I never would have lasted a day in women’s prison. You have my word that you will come off quite well in my Vanity Fair article.

Dick:  Selena, remember? You don’t actually write for Vanity Fair. That’s the whole reason we’re doing this; ’cause they can’t bail you out.

Selena:  Are you kidding me? With a prison break ending, this article’s sure to be the cover story.  (happily heads into the tunnel to assist with the dig)

Dick:  (frowning)  Huh.


(That evening, Dick is below the abandoned guards’ locker room as his second team is hammering away at a sewer pipe…)

Rich:  We’re almost through, boss. Should be out of here by tomorrow night.

Dick:  Good work, fellas. This should do fine. You’re further along than the other group.

(Andre glances at Dick suspiciously…)

Dick:  Uh, from what I’ve heard.

Andre:  You know, boss; I was thinkin’ of a way we could get ahead and stay ahead. For good.

Dick:  Oh yeah? What’s that?

(Andre grins and pulls a pipe out of his pant leg…)

Dick:  Get stoned? I could be down. Maybe some a capella Zeppelin?

Andre:  It’s a bomb.

Dick:  Oh.

Andre:  We blow their tunnel to shit and then we’re in the clear. No more competition. We waltz out of this place.

Dick:  I dunno, Andre. You could kill somebody.

Andre:  We plant it tonight after they all hit the sack. No harm, no foul. Unless you have some other reason for not wanting to blow up that tunnel.

Dick:  Who, me? Nonsense.  (nervous chuckle)  Let’s blow that fucker up.

Andre:  Good.  (hands Dick the pipe bomb)  Then you won’t have a problem doing the honors…boss.

Dick:  Hehe. Goodie.



(Dick heads down to the library to find his dig team forlornly gathered around a collapsed escape tunnel…)

Dick:   Oh my gosh. What happened, you guys?

Slim:  The dang thing collapsed overnight, boss.

Dick:  Oh my goodness, what a terrible turn of events.

Selena:  I’m gonna die in a women’s prison.

(The cons glance at Sebastian/Selena confusedly. Booger throws an arm around her shoulder…)

Booger:  There there, Sele–Sebastian. Maybe you’ll die on the bus ride over there.

Francis:  Wait a minute, why would he–

Booger:  Hey, Dick. What do we do now? We have to think of another way out of here.

Dick:  Yeah, definitely. Maybe the old laundry chute trick? I dunno. Listen, I’ve gotta run. But you guys all stay here and mull this over.

(Dick races down the hall. Booger and Selena exchange glances and chase after him…)


(Booger and Selena peek into the abandoned guards’ locker room and gasp at Dick as he begins to climb down the other escape tunnel…)

Booger:  (whispering)  Go find a guard.

(Selena runs off. Booger leaps out from behind the lockers and Dick nearly slips and falls backward into the hole before catching himself…)

Booger:  Aha!

Dick:  Uh…aha!

Booger:  What are you doing here?

Dick:  What are you doing here?

Booger:  I was following you.

Dick:  Well…maybe I was following you…from the front.

Booger:  You’re escaping with the other group. You were playing us against each other the whole time.

Dick:  If it’s any consolation, I honestly thought your group would win.

Booger:  You’re an asshole, Dick Wilson. You really don’t care about anyone but yourself.

Dick:  I care about you, buddy.  (thinks, holds arms out)  You can have the Doc. She’s yours, pal. Huh? How about that?

Booger:  She’s pregnant with Councilman Hank’s baby. Do you guys ever talk?

Dick:  Our love has evolved beyond words. Anyway, byeee!

(Dick bonks Booger on the head with a hammer and disappears down the hole…)


(Dick is following Rich and Andre through the waste of a thousand federal inmates. A half-hour of crawling on hands and knees later, they arrive at a pipe emptying into a ravine, thirty yards outside the prison walls…)

Rich:  We did it! We’re free! We’re free!

(Andre claps Dick on the back as Dick sits on the edge of the sewer pipe…)

Andre:  Helluva plan, boss.

Dick:  (thinking)  Yeah. …I’m going back.

(Dick turns and begins the long crawl back…)

Andre:  You what?!

Dick:  I can’t abandon my friends! Whew, really smells like poop in here.


(A guard and Warden Julia Mack rouse Booger back from unconsciousness on the locker room floor…)

Guard:  Trying to escape, eh?

Booger:  What? No. I don’t know what that is. Looks like shoddy workmanship to me.

Warden:  Who’s down there? Who escaped?

Booger:  Nobody. I give you my word. Nobody has escaped from Wheelock Mill.

(Dick wearily climbs up out of the hole, caked in feces and sweat…)

Dick:  (out of breath, keeled over)  I admit it. I escaped. And Booger here knew the whole time.  (claps sloppy poopy arm around Booger’s shoulder)  ‘Cause he’s my friend.

(Warden Mack glances at Booger who flashes a sheepish grin…)

Warden:  Hole. Two months.

Dick:  (points at escape tunnel)  Can we make it this hole?

Guard:  Move it along, smartass.

Booger:  Why’d you have to lump me in there?

Dick:  ‘Cause you’re my buddy, buddy.

Booger:  I hate you.


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