Federal Prison – Episode 109
Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…
Episode 109 – The Grand Wheelock Mill Hotel
(Dick, Booger and Selena/Sebastian are in Dr. Eva Person’s office after Doc just discovered “Sebastian” is actually Selena Alvarez, a Vanity Fair reporter who’s gone undercover posing as a male inmate in order to expose life on the inside of a federal prison…)
Doc: And how long have you two known?
Dick: Pretty much since we met her.
Booger: So you know I can keep a secret. Pretty good attribute for a male suitor, no?
Dick: Booger, can you stop hitting on the beautiful doctor for two seconds? This is neither the time nor the place. (turns to Doc) Do you like how I defended your honor there?
Doc: This is a serious offense. If federal officials catch wind that we’ve been unknowingly harboring a female prisoner in a male prison, they could shut this whole place down.
Dick: That’s good.
Doc: And I’d be out of a job.
Dick: That’s bad.
Booger: I also think that’s bad.
Dick: Stop it, Booger.
Booger: You stop it.
Selena: Dr. Person, please. This article could make my career. No names will be mentioned or locations revealed.
Doc: (ponders) I’ll give you a week. But then I have to notify Warden Mack.
Selena: Okay. Thank you, Doctor. I think I can convince my editor to get me out of here by then.
Doc: And of course, this conversation never took place.
Dick: (grins) What conversation? (winks)
Booger: This one, Dick. The one we’re having just now.
(As the three are exiting the infirmary, Selena pulls Dick and Booger into a side hallway…)
Selena: Okay, confession time.
Dick: (snaps fingers) You’re really a man. I knew it the whole time.
Selena: No, you idiot. You’ve seen my vagina.
Dick: (taps chin) Right. The vagina.
Booger: Aw, you got to see her vagina?
Selena: You saw it too, you knucklehead.
Booger: Oh yeah. Sweet.
Selena: I’m not actually a writer for Vanity Fair.
Booger: (gasps, belches)
Selena: I’m a freelance writer whose article has been repeatedly rejected by numerous magazines. At the end of this week, I’ll be found out and sent to women’s prison. I can’t survive in women’s prison!
Booger: Oh yeah, I’ve heard women’s prison is terrible.
Dick: Au contraire, mon frère. I think I’ve got a solution that’ll save all our butts.
Dick: (grins) We’re escapin’.
(Dick Wilson is pacing before Booger, Selena and a group of cons on the prison yard…)
Dick: Alright, we all know why we’re here. We’re blowin’ this popsicle stand. And I’ve assembled a crack staff. There’s Slim, a skinny boy from Kentucky; perfect shape for tunnelin’.
Slim: (tips cowboy hat) Howdy.
Dick: Heinrich, a rotund German with the mind of an architect; who will keep our project on target.
Heinrich: Auf Wiedersehen.
Dick: Francis, a brash New Yorker with an attitude that will repel others from getting too nosey.
Francis: (waves hand) Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Patrick, an Irish priest. I dunno, maybe he’ll give us Jesus luck or something.
Patrick: (bows reverentially) Aye.
Dick: And Tim, who’s just a big dumb pile of muscle.
Dick: You’re the best men for the job. That’s why I brought you here. And also, everybody else in this prison hates me; so you were like my only options.
Francis: We hate you too, ugly.
Dick: (chortles) Oh, Francis. Only in New York!
Slim: So where are we diggin’, boss?
Dick: I’ve got just the place, Slim. No one in this prison has ever stepped foot inside.
(Dick and his band of cons are in the Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary Library…)
Selena: (frowns) Hey, I come here all the time.
Dick: (grins, elbows Booger) Nerd alert!
Dick: Alright, I figure we dig during the days; nobody will hear the commotion all the way down here. By Friday, Heinrich has calculated we should be a hundred yards outside the north fence and well on our way to Canada.
Heinrich: Ja, this is true. The clay soil of Northern Maine found under this prison should make for easy digging.
Booger: (kicks wall on far end of library) But this is solid concrete. How are we gonna break through to the sweet sweet soil below?
Dick: (grins) That’s where Father Patrick comes in. Did I mention he was Northern Irish?
(Patrick fastens a small rectangular object to the wall with cords attached and lights a match…)
Patrick: Made this outta soap.
Booger: Just soap?
Patrick: (smiles) I’m Irish.
Booger: Doesn’t seem like enough of an explan–
Patrick: You might wanna shut that door and duck behind the table here.
(The band of cons duck for cover as the wall erupts. Chunks of concrete and book stacks fly across the room and when the smoke clears, a good-sized hole has opened up in the corner of the library floor…)
Dick: Gentlemen? Now we dig.
Francis: What are we s’posed to dig with, numbnuts? We don’t got no shovels.
Dick: (spreads arms) Look around you, Francis. We’re in a library. The world of literature is your shovel.
Dick: Books. We’re digging with books.
(The cons have dug a good-sized hole in the corner of the quiet prison library. Tim is attempting to dig with a flimsy paperback children’s book, to no avail…)
Dick: (hands Tim a big thick dictionary) Here buddy, try this.
Tim: But I like The Fluffy Bunny.
Dick: (pats Tim on back) I know you do, bud. Ya know, (taps dictionary) you might wanna try crackin’ open that bad boy when you’re done diggin’ with it.
(Selena comes running up, tugging on Dick’s sleeve…)
Selena: Dick, come with me. There’s something you should see.
(Selena leads Dick and Booger down a long hallway to an old abandoned guards’ locker room. They peek into the shower to find a large hole blasted into the floor and loud banging far off underground…)
Selena: They’re going through the sewer. We’re not the only ones trying to escape.
Booger: What are we gonna do?
Dick: Once one group escapes, this whole place will be on lock-down. We’re just gonna have to escape first.
(Booger accidentally kicks a soda can down into the hole and the three scamper off to a loud clattering behind them…)
(Late that evening at the end of a long tunnel leading from the showers, four cons are banging away on a large sewer pipe wide enough to fit a man crawling on his knees…)
Andre: So the others know about us?
Rich: If they escape first, we’re screwed. What are we gonna do, boss?
Dick: (stamps out cigarette, emits a cloud of smoke) We’re just gonna have to escape first. (doubles over with hacking cough) Oh God, those are terrible for you.