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Federal Prison – Episode 108

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 11/19/2012

Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…

Episode 108 – Finally Out Of S.C.

Mack:  And as your new warden, I promise to be a fair and balanced arbiter of justice. This prison will be run like a well-oiled machine; and I will carry on in the proud tradition of my father Delbert Mack to bring Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary into the twenty-first century.

Inmate:  (from back row)  Take off ya top!

Mack:  (sighs)

(New Warden Julia Mack finishes her speech and the prisoners of Wheelock Mill file out of the commissary. Down in the basement, Dick Wilson is pressing his ear against a pipe in the solitary confinement cell of vicious murderer and new friend Mick Gelson…)

Mick:  What are they saying, Booger?

Dick:  My God. Something about machines taking over the prison. How long have we been down here?

(Guard Chuck Shim opens the cell door…)

Shim:  Time to go back to gen pop, Dick. Doesn’t look like Mick here wants to kill you after all.

Mick:  Wait a minute. ‘Dick’? I thought you said your name was ‘Booger’.

Dick:  (quickly scuttles into hallway)  Good luck with everything, Mick. Watch out for the robots!

(Upstairs, Chuck is walking Dick back to his cell…)

Dick:  So hard to tell which ones are robots and which ones are human. Damn their advanced cyborg technology!

Chuck:  What are you on about?

(Chuck is repeatedly, severely and violently stabbed by a passing con and drops to the ground. Dick kneels down and runs his fingers through the blood pool…)

Dick:  Hmm. Doesn’t look like oil.  (slowly raises the bloody fingers to his protruding tongue)


Booger:  Yup, he’s dead.

Doc:  Oh my God.

Booger:  (nods)  Tragic, really.

(Booger Oates, on janitor duty in the prison infirmary, has informed Dr. Eva Person that Dick was killed while in solitary…)

Doc:  He was so young.

Booger:  Yup. Dead now, though. So are you and that councilman fella serious or are you just kinda foolin’ around ’til the right guy comes along?

Doc:  Booger, your cellmate was just murdered. Maybe you need to speak to someone.

Booger:  I’m speaking to you. Maybe we can go back to your office for some “private sessions”.

Doc:  Are you hitting on me seconds after telling me your best friend just died?

Booger:  …sort of?

Doc:  That’s disgusting.

(The infirmary doors burst open and Dick drags a bloodied Chuck onto a nearby hospital bed…)

Dick:  He’s been stabbed and I’m pretty sure he’s not a cyborg, ’cause his blood doesn’t taste like oil. Also, is it bad to eat somebody else’s blood?

Doc:  Dick, I thought you were dead!

Dick:  Oh God, it’s that bad?

Doc:  But Booger told me–

Booger:  (runs over, hugs Dick)  Buddy! I musta got some bad intel. Good to see you’re alive and in one piece.

Dick:  (narrows eyes)  You tried the “pretend my cellmate’s dead to swoop in on his girl” move, didn’t you?

Booger:  (lowers head)  Yeah.

Dick:  (hands on hips)  I am shocked and chagrined.

Shim:  Can someone please stop the bleeding?


(Dick is meeting with his lawyer, Clarence Middleberg…)

Dick:  So what’s new, Clarence?

Middleberg:  Oh gosh, nothing much. What’s new with you?

Dick:  I’m…in prison hoping my lawyer is working on getting me out of here.

Middleberg:  No new developments on my end.

Dick:  Then why did you come all the way out here?

Middleberg:  You know, just wanted to see how you’re doing. How are you doing?

Dick:  I’m not well, Clarence.

Middleberg:  Well, see? Now I know.

Dick:  (sighs)  Clarence, you’re fired.

Middleberg:  Well see, that’s the other reason I came all the way out here. Your last couple checks have bounced.

Dick:  (leans in closer)  What do you know about cyborgs?


(Dick and Booger are on opposite ends of the bleachers with Selena sitting in between…)

Selena:  C’mon guys, are you really gonna let a girl come between you?

Dick:  Sure. You’re a girl, you’re between us. What’s the big deal?

Selena:  You’re acting like children.

Booger:  He started it.

Dick:  Yeah, I started it by falling in love with the Doc first. I can’t help it if you’re always in second place.

Booger:  She can’t stand you. She talks about it all the time.

Dick:  Talks about me all the time, eh? That’s funny. She doesn’t talk about you at all. And besides, I saw the tears in her eyes when you told her I was dead. And double besides, you told her I was dead! What kinda friend does that?

Booger:  I was receiving mixed reports.

Dick:  Look Booger, she’s just not that into you. They wrote a book about it. You should read it sometime.

Booger:  Oh yeah? Well they wrote a book about you, too. It’s called Dick Wilson Is A Marblehead. Pick it up at your local library.

(Booger storms off and Dick hollers after him…)

Dick:  That biography was unauthorized and full of falsehoods! Falsehoods!


(That afternoon Selena/Sebastian is in the infirmary for a checkup with Dr. Person, while Booger is on janitorial duty…)

Doc:  Okay, Sebastian. Everything looks on the up and up. And finally, I’m going to need you to remove your trousers.

Booger:  (quickly averts eyes, mops in other direction)

Selena:  Um, is that really necessary?

Doc:  I’m afraid so. New federal motion, we need to check all inmates annually for STD’s.

Selena:  Well I haven’t had sex since I’ve been in here.

Doc:  Great. Then you’ve got nothing to worry about. Drop your pants, please.

Selena:  I’d really rather not.

Booger:  C’mon, Doctor. The lady–er, the lad doesn’t wanna drop her, uh, his pants.

Doc:  Sebastian.

(Selena sighs and lowers her pants. Dr. Person gasps and takes a step back. Booger mops the same spot repeatedly, lost in thought…)

Doc:  You’re a…girl?

Selena:  You mind, Booger?

Booger:  (quickly glances down)  Sorry, sorry.


(Rookie guard Chuck Shim adjusts his stab wound bandages as he exits the infirmary…)

Shim:  Finally. Back to work.  (repeatedly stabbed by passing inmate, drops to ground in fast-spreading pool of own blood, sighs)  It’s a living.

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