Federal Prison – Episode 107
Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…
Episode 107 – Badfellas
(Dick Wilson points a guard’s gun at Golden Lions head Miguel Allende, while Miguel holds a knife to the neck of Warden Delbert Mack in his office at Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary. Dick is backed by veteran guard Mitch Clinton, Pete Fawcett of the Mill Boys, Alistair Fitt of the White Devils and JeMerrick Patricks of the Black Fist; while Miguel is backed by henchmen Pedro and Guapo…)
Miguel: It seems we have, forgive the pun, a Mexican standoff.
Dick: (scowls) That’s offensive.
Miguel: But I’m Mexican.
Dick: That makes it even worse!
Miguel: Why don’t you go ahead and slide that gun over here before I cut the warden’s neck.
Dick: (shrugs) Do it. I don’t care. I came here to proclaim myself Warden-King, anyway.
Miguel: You’re not the Warden-King. I’m the Warden-King!
Dick: You don’t even know what a Warden-King is! I came up with it.
Miguel: I know everything. I am Wheelock Mill.
Dick: Then describe the specific duties of a Warden-King.
Miguel: (counting on fingers) Divvying up rations. Harboring peace between rival gangs. Outlawing “Lasagna Night”. Trade embargoes and tariffs.
Dick: Your forgot about flag design, you idiot.
Miguel: No, I didn’t. It’s gonna be one of those black skull-and-crossbones pirate flags with jail bars in front of it.
Dick: (cocks pistol, glowers) That’s the stupidest flag I’ve ever heard of.
Warden: Will you morons stop arguing? There’s no such thing as a Warden-King.
Dick: He’s right. It’s strictly a figurehead position. Miguel can be Warden-King. I call dibs on Warden-Prime Minister.
Warden: The National Guard is gonna bust in here any minute and wipe you lot out.
Miguel: (presses knife into warden’s neck) Too bad you won’t be around to see it.
(The phone rings and JeMerrick picks it up…)
JeMerrick: (handing the receiver to Warden Mack) It’s for you.
Warden: Well, obviously. It is my office.
Dick: I claim this office in the name of Warden-Prime Minister Dick Wilson! (fires gun into ceiling)
Miguel: What about my office, esé?
Dick: You can take the guards’ locker room.
Mitch: You might wanna let your office air out for a day or two, Warden-King. I took a real big deuce in there after lunch.
Miguel: (points knife at Mitch) You have insulted the throne of the Warden-King!
Dick: Warden-Prime Minister’s gonna allow it.
Warden: (puts hand over receiver) Will you all please shut up! (into phone) Yes, Mr. Governor. I can hear you….Yes, everything’s fine in here. Just meting out some logistics with my men. So, any word on the National Guard?…That long, huh….You’d like to what?…Oh. (hands phone to Dick) It’s for you.
Dick: (puffs out chest) Yes, Mr. Governor. Warden-Prime Minister Dick Wilson here….Warden-King is a figurehead title and it is unrecognized by the New Republic of Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary….Demands? Um, can we call you back? (hangs up frantically)
(The room stares at Dick as he smacks his forehead…)
Dick: I forgot to ask for his phone number!
(Booger, Selena and Dr. Person race around the corner from rioting cons…)
Toscalini: Hey, you kids! In here.
(The three enter the cell of an old Italian man and he smiles kindly as Booger shuts the door behind them, watching a pack of prisoners flash by…)
Booger: Hey thanks, mister. It’s getting pretty hairy out there.
Toscalini: It’s-a no matter. It’s-a just a-nice to have some company. I’m-a Giuseppe Toscalini.
Selena: Toscalini? You’re that Mafia Don from Queens. I read about you.
Toscalini: That’s-a me! Now what’s a-matter you? Tell-a Giuseppe your troubles.
Booger: My friend’s gone mad with power and is trying to take over the prison in a hostile coup.
Toscalini: Ooh, that’s-a spicy one. Let-a Giuseppe think it over.
(Toscalini ambles over to the toilet, drops trou and sits down; while the ladies avert their eyes…)
Booger: Uh, should we–? (tugs on cell door)
Toscalini: It’s okay. It lock from-a the outside. For the safety. (takes horrendous dump)
Dick: (on the phone) Alright, Governor. We’ve got our demands: A helicopter to Mexico or Canada; whichever’s closer–
JeMerrick: It’s Canada.
Alistair: It’s definitely Canada.
Pete: We’re practically on the Canadian border, boss.
Dick: (hand on receiver) Quiet, guys. I’m makin’ demands over here. (into phone) Anyway Gov, we also want a large bag of unmarked bills and a large bag of candy. Make sure the money bag is marked with a dollar sign, so we know it’s the money bag; and make sure the candy bag is all M&M’s and Skittles, loose and mixed together. (hand on receiver, to Pete) I call it ‘Sweeticide’. (into phone) You got all that, Gov?
Hank: Sorry, Mr. Wilson. Governor Leech is on the other line with the National Guard. This is Councilman Hank Bowery. Before we continue, I must ask: Have there been any injuries? Particularly in the infirmary.
Dick: No, I don’t think so. Actually, I dunno. Actually, probably definitely. Lotta screamin’ out there; that can’t be good. Hey, wait a minute. Councilman Hank?
Hank: I prefer Councilman Bowery.
Dick: Are you the same Councilman Hank who’s dating the sweet, beautiful and talented Dr. Eva Person?
Hank: Again, it’s Councilman Bowery. And yes, I am. Have you seen her? Is she okay?
Dick: Well, she was when we took her hostage. But then that idiot Booger stole her and ran off. Who knows what he’s doing to her. The monster.
Dick: Oh no, I’m sure she’s fine. He’s a big teddy bear. Just pisses me off is all. Stealing my hostages.
Hank: If you lay a hand on her, so help me God, I’ll make sure you never see the light of day again.
Dick: This negotiation is over! (slams phone)
(The cons stare at Dick and he motions to the phone…)
Dick: My girlfriend’s boyfriend.
Booger: You sure about this, Mr. Toscalini?
Toscalini: You no worry your pretty little face. (pats Booger’s cheek) (knocks on door to Warden’s office)
(Peter answers and Giuseppe Toscalini barrels through with Booger, Selena and Dr. Person in tow…)
Warden: Mr. Toscalini, what an unexpected surprise.
Toscalini: Clam it, Mack. Alright, which one of you jamooks is tryin’ to take over my prison?
Dick: Oh hey, Doc. I was just talking to your boyfriend.
Dick: No, it’s Dick. Remember?
Miguel: That’s it, I’m taking his finger.
Miguel: The Governor is taking too long. I like that gold ring. I’m taking it; and the finger too, as a trophy. Somebody help me hold him down.
Mitch: I’ll help.
(The veteran guard grabs the warden’s hand and Miguel steadies his knife against Del Mack’s ring finger…)
Warden: Mitch, you of all people. How could you bring these monsters through my gates?
Mitch: Because I should’ve been chosen as head guard; not your daughter. I’ve been working here for twenty-some-odd years. I’ve earned it!
Warden: Mitch, the only reason I didn’t promote you to head guard is because I was waiting to promote you to warden.
Dick: Ooh, awkward.
Warden: This ring you’re about to chop off is a retirement ring. I’m leaving Wheelock Mill at the end of the week. And I chose you as my replacement. ‘Course, given the turn of events this afternoon…
Mitch: Well, shit.
Miguel: Okay, finger time.
(Miguel chops off the ring finger and holds it up as a howling Warden Mack collapses to the floor…)
Dick: Okay guys, this is all getting a little out of hand.
Pete: Good one, boss.
Dick: Ha, I get it. (doesn’t get it)
Toscalini: (up in Dick’s face) You the tough guy who kidnapped this pretty lady doctor and callin’ yourself “Warden-King”?
Dick: It’s Warden-Prime Minister, actual–
(Toscalini has Dick’s hand twisted back and his fingers are cracking as he drops to his knees…)
Toscalini: You a tough guy now? Huh? You a tough guy?
Dick: No sir, I’m not. I’m not a tough guy. I didn’t even kill Jose Quatalendo. I’ve never even met Jose Quatalendo. I didn’t kill anybody!
JeMerrick: Say what?
Warden: Ohhh, my finger. Losin’ a lotta blood down here.
Pete: So you just made all that up? Killing the leader of the Golden Lions? Being the biggest bad-ass this prison’s ever seen? You’re just a liar?
Dick: Everybody was being so nice to me. I’m just used to being picked on. It was nice to be respected for a change; to be a leader. I’m not a killer.
Pete: Yeah, but we are. Let’s kill him.
Warden: No, wait! If you all promise to get this riot under control, I’ve got a much worse punishment in mind for Mr. Wilson.
(The cons all glance at each other skeptically…)
Warden: And I’ll throw in extra desserts for a month.
Warden: Can I have my finger back?
Miguel: Si. But I keep the ring.
(That evening, Dick Wilson is taken down to the basement and thrown into solitary with a large heavily-tatted man…)
Guard: Dick, we’d like you to meet Mick Gelson. The man who killed Jose Quatalendo.
Dick: Kinda defeats the purpose of the term ‘solitary’, doesn’t it guys? Guys?
(The cell door slams shut and the smiling, hulking con holds out his hand…)
Mick: Heard you guys had quite a riot up there.
Dick: Yes, sir.
Mick: Boy, what I would’ve given to get my hands on that Dick Wilson guy who took credit for my Quatalendo murder. What’d you say your name was again?
Dick: (gulps) Booger Oates?