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Federal Prison – Episode 105

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 10/23/2012

Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…

Episode 105 – Some Like It Riot

Dick:  And then I said, “That’s why they call her the Hoover Dam!”

(The Mill Boys gang erupts in laughter as their new leader — Dick Wilson — tells a zinger on the bleachers in the prison yard…)

Pete:  Great joke, boss.

Dick:  Thanks, Pete. Can I get another soda?

Pete:  Sure thing, boss.

(Pete races off and Booger Oates trudges up to the bleachers…)

Booger:  Hey guys, what’s goin’ on?

Lionel:  Get lost, fatty!

Dick:  Whoa, hey. Easy, Lionel. Booger, what’s up?

(Booger makes a head motion and Dick jumps down off the bleachers. The former cellmates stand by the electrical fence staring out at the dark woods beyond Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary…)

Booger:  Selena, uh, Sebastian’s been hearing some rumblings amongst the Latino prisoners.

Dick:  (nods knowingly)  Probably from Taco Tuesday. You think they, of all people, would be used to tacos, though.

Booger:  No, she’s heard that the Golden Lions are gunning for you. They wanna take you out.

Dick:  But I already killed the head of the Lions.

Booger:  Okay. First of all, no you didn’t. You didn’t kill anyone. And second of all, they say this new guy that’s taken over is twice as ruthless as Quatalendo. He wants you dead.

Dick:  (shrugs)  I’m not too worried, Boog. My gang will protect me.

Booger:  They can’t protect you all the time.

Dick:  Sure they can.

Booger:  Even when you poop?

Dick:  Especially when I poop.

Booger:  Selena says they’re going to start a riot in the cell block this afternoon and take a shot at you in the confusion.

Dick:  (strokes chin)  A riot, eh? Diabolical. It’s a good thing the head of the Mill Boys stays two steps ahead.

Booger:  What do you mean?

Dick:  (grins)  I’m gonna start a riot first.


(That afternoon in E-Block, the Mill Boys are surrounding Dick in the hallway and glancing around warily…)

Pete:  You sure about this, boss?

Dick:  It’s the only way, Pete. Beat them at their own game.

Steve:  How do we even start this? I’ve never been in a riot before.

Dick:  Pretty sure you just do this.  (cups hands to mouth, hollering)  PRISON RIOT!


(Miguel Allende, leader of the Golden Lions, is in his cell sharpening a blade when the chaotic riot spills over into H-Block…)

Miguel:  (steps out of cell, guard shivved and dropped at his feet)  Pedro! I thought I said we start the riot at 1600 hours.

Pedro:  That white boy, the Dick Wilson, he start a riot before us. He’s trying to steal your thunder, boss.

Miguel:  (eyes narrow)  El hijo de puta.


(Fires are spreading through E-Block as Dick and the Mill Boys weave their way through the rioting crowd…)

Pete:  We’ve gotta find a safe place where we can hole up until all this blows over. Keep you as far away from the Golden Lions as possible.

Dick:  I know just the place. Gonna be tough to navigate through this mob unscathed, though.

Alistair:  Might I and my confidantes be of some assistance?

(The Mill Boys turn to find Alistair Fitt and the White Devils…)

Pete:  Sorry, Al. The Mill Boys don’t associate with skinheads.

Dick:  Now hold on, let’s hear them out.

Pete:  But they’re white supremacists.

Dick:  Well, you’re no walk in the park yourself.

Alistair:  I’d like to thank you personally for assassinating that Mexican and starting this race war, Mr. Wilson. It is truly an honor to be in the presence of such a hate-filled monster.

Dick:  Whoa, whoa. Let’s not go throwing around terms like ‘race war’.

Alistair:  Me and the boys here have been trying to start a race war for years. Truly inspiring.

Dick:  It was purely a gang hit. No hate crimes here. I’m colorblind. What is this jumpsuit, purple?

Steve:  It’s green, boss.

Dick:  See?

Alistair:  Look, do you want our help or not?

(Dick sees a prisoner being garrotted out of the corner of his eye…)

Dick:  Yes, we would like that. Thank you.

Alistair:  Then what do you say?

Dick:  …please?

Alistair:  (shakes head)  White…?

Dick:  (sighs, mutters)  …power.

(The White Devils cheer and clap Dick on the back…)

Alistair:  We’ll get y’all through this mob. Where we headed?

Dick:  Somewhere safe.

(Booger and Selena are huddled in Selena’s cell when they spot the Mill Boys…)

Booger:  (waving, shouting)  Dick, take us with you!

Dick:  Sorry, bub! No time! Good luck in all your future endeavors!


(JeMerrick Patricks and Cedric Flatts — leaders of the Black Fist — see Dick and the Mill Boys being escorted through G-Block by the White Devils…)

JeMerrick:  Oh it’s gonna be like that, Dick Wilson?

Cedric:  I think we got a full-fledged race war on our hands, JeMerrick.

(JeMerrick goes back into his cell and comes out wearing an “I ♥ Race Wars” shirt and the Black Fist give chase…)


(Pete and Alistair kick in the door to the infirmary and barricade it behind them. Dick heads for the corner and knocks on Dr. Eva Person’s office door…)

Dick:  Doc, you in there?

Doc:  Stay away from me! I have mace!

Dick:  It’s me. Dick.

(Dr. Person opens the door a crack and peeks out…)

Doc:  Dick, what have you done?

Dick:  Started a prison riot–

Alistair:  (stacking beds against the door)  Race war!

Dick:  (whispers)  Not a race war. I love ethnicities.

Doc:  Dick, this is wrong. There are guards being killed down there. Innocent men.

Dick:  Doc, there is a Mexican prison gang out there that wants my head on a platter. I can’t have that. I’m the leader of the Mill Boys, for cryin’ out loud.

Doc:  You could just tell them the truth.

Pete:  (walks over)  Truth? What’s she talkin’ about, truth?

Dick:  (shuts door in Eva’s face)  Ha ha, nothing.

(The PA system crackles to life and the voice of Warden Delbert Mack can be heard reverberating through the prison…)

Warden:  Attention Wheelock Mill: It is my understanding that there have been some…disturbances in my prison today. So I deliver this ultimatum: If the offending parties turn themselves in now, all will be forgiven and we can get this federal prison back to normal. If not, there will be dire consequences. Surrender at once, if ya know what’s good for ya.

(Dick picks up a phone and begins hollering…)

Dick:  No dice, Del! We’re in this for the long run. I’m a wild card, I tell ya. A madman! You’ll need an army to take me down! Attica!

(The Mill Boys and the White Devils hoot and holler. Dr. Person pokes her head out of her office…)

Doc:  You have to press ‘9’ to dial out.

Dick:  Aw man, I lost all my gusto.  (presses ‘9’)  We respectfully decline your offer, Warden. The riot stands!

(Cheering can be heard echoing through the prison halls…)

Warden:  Very well. What are your demands, son?

Dick:  Um…(panicky look around infirmary)…transmission out!

Pete:  Well fellas, looks like we’re in for the long haul. Might as well get comfortable.

Dick:  At least we’ve got all these beds.

Pete:  We barricaded all the beds against the door, sir.

Dick:  (quietly knocking on Dr. Person’s door)

Doc:  What.

Dick:  Doc, can I sleep in your office?

Doc:  No.

Dick:  I’ll be quiet.

Doc:  No.

Dick:  (shaking his head)  No place to sleep. Who planned this dang riot, anyway?

Pete:  You did, sir.

Dick:  Well that’s beside the point.

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