Federal Prison – Episode 102
Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…
Episode 102 – Third Person
(Dick, Booger and Sebastian are sitting on bleachers on the far end of the prison yard outside Wheelock Mill Federal Correctional Penitentiary…)
Dick: So…about that vagina of yours.
Sebastian: You have to promise not to tell anyone.
Booger: About your vagina?
Dick: You have a vagina.
Sebastian: Stop saying ‘vagina’. My real name is Selena; Selena Alvarez. I’m an investigative reporter for Vanity Fair and I’m posing as a male inmate to infiltrate this penitentiary and report on the present state of the prison-industrial complex.
Booger: Oh, like Gorillas In The Mist.
Selena: Yes! Exactly, Booger.
Dick: Whoa, whoa. So we’re gorillas? That’s racist.
Booger: No, it isn’t. Gorillas are awesome.
Dick: (pictures a gorilla in a top hat on a tricycle) Yeah, you’re right.
(Selena/Sebastian pulls out a small notepad…)
Selena: Do you mind if I ask you guys some questions about how you got here, for the article?
Dick: Sure. But can you use my prison nickname to protect my identity?
Selena: Okay, what is it?
Dick: Captain Huge Cock.
Dick: It all happened a couple months ago, back in Manhattan. I was an investment banker for Kaplan, Kaplen, Kaplin, Kaplon & Kaplun. I came in after George Kaplyn lost his partner position…)
Dick: Hey Bryan, go get me some lunch.
(Dick tosses his company card to his assistant…)
Bryan: (tapping his foot excitedly) Sure thing, boss. What do you want?
Dick: Chicken salad.
Dick: And get something for yourself. You’re skin and bones over there.
(Bryan races out of the office and Dick picks up an ever-present ringing phone…)
Dick: Buy! Sell! Buy! Hold…now buy!
(The door is kicked in and a dozen men rush into Dick’s office, with ‘SEC’ emblazoned on the back of their navy blue windbreakers…)
SEC Officer: Dick Wilson, you’re under arrest for criminal embezzlement.
Dick: (puts hands on hips sassily) Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?! (winks at camera) (studio laughter, applause)
(Back in the prison yard…)
Selena: That’s how you reacted to being arrested on federal embezzlement charges?
Dick: Yeah, I can get pretty sassy.
Selena: Where was there even a camera to wink at?
Dick: They have cameras…to document…stuff.
Selena: And the studio audience?
Dick: (shrugs) Maybe I was watchin’ Netflix.
Selena: Dick, please try to embellish your story as little as possible.
Booger: Yeah, Dick. That’s her job.
Selena: Now what’s that supposed to mean?
Booger: That reporters are liars and journalism is a dying trade.
(Selena frowns at Booger…)
Selena: Why did you embezzle, Dick? What drove you to such extremes?
Dick: That’s just the thing. I didn’t. I was an investment banker in Manhattan. I was doing very well. I had a backup PS3, in case my first one breaks. I was framed, I tells ya.
Booger: That’s what they all say.
Selena: Then why are you in here if you didn’t do anything?
Dick: They had all kinds of evidence and stuff; bank statements and whatnot. And my lawyer really sucks.
Dick: Give it to me straight, Clarence.
Middleberg: You’re fucked.
Dick: Well don’t give it to me that straight, jeez.
Middleberg: They found nearly three hundred thousand dollars of company money in your bank accounts. It’s open and shut. We can maybe plea it down to ten years, good behavior. But I’m thinkin’ twenty-five, easy.
Dick: But I didn’t do anything! Somebody’s framing me.
Middleberg: Well, do you know who? ‘Cause that would really help our case.
Selena: And so then you were brought here to Wheelock Mill.
Dick: Yup. Booger and I arrived the same afternoon. That first night was a little nerve-wracking.
(Dick and Booger are tucked into their beds; Dick on the top bunk, Booger on the bottom…)
Dick: (peeks out from under blanket) You’re not going to have sex with my butt tonight, are you?
Booger: No. Are you gonna have sex with my butt?
Booger: Okay, good.
Dick: I mean, no offense. It’s just been a long day.
Booger: Oh gosh, none taken.
Selena: Wow. Jail is hell.
Dick: Right? So, is this article in Valley Ranch Magazine—
Selena: Vanity Fair.
Dick: —Vanity Fair Magazine. This is probably gonna be read by a lotta pretty ladies, isn’t it?
Selena: I suppose.
Dick: (elbows Booger) This might get me in good with that lady doctor I was telling you about.
Booger: Say, yeah. My lady doctor might be into this too.
Dick: (puts an arm around his cellmate) Look at us. Dating a couple of lady doctors. We’re so metropolitan! I’m gonna go see my girl right now, tell her how famous we’re gonna be.
Booger: How are you gonna do that? You can’t just march into the infirmary.
Dick: (smiles) I got a plan.
Selena: Wait a minute. What about Booger? How did he get here?
Dick: Oh, him? He just had a panic attack on a plane and they called him a terrorist.
Booger: I got railroaded.
(Booger is in the aisle of an American Airlines flight, with a plastic knife raised and a crazed look in his eye…)
Booger: Death to America! (tackled by air marshals)
Dick: Hey, Mill Boys!
(Members of the Mill Boys gang glance over at Dick, Booger and Sebastian on the bleachers…)
Dick: You stink!
(Dick is quickly surrounded and pummeled by the Mill Boys. He’s laying in a heap as they walk away and Dick turns to Selena with a bloody grin…)
Dick: Somebody better get me to the infirmary.
(Dick wakes up in a bed with Dr. Eva Person frowning down at him…)
Doc: Looks like you got into quite a scrape.
Dick: (smiles, missing a front tooth) You should see the other guys.
Doc: I did. They’re perfectly fine.
Doc: Anyway, we’re just going to set this wrist. You might need to wear a cast for a few days. Luckily, it’s just a sprain and not a fracture.
Dick: (attempts to lean on elbow suavely, winces) I just hope this episode doesn’t make it into my feature in Valley Ranch Magazine.
(Booger pushes a mop up to Dick’s bed…)
Booger: He means Vanity Fair Magazine. We’re being interviewed for Vanity Fair Magazine. Gonna blow the lid off this whole operation.
Doc: Oh, that’s…interesting.
Dick: (frowning) Shoo, Booger. Can’t you see I’m makin’ time with the lady here?
Booger: I thought I was makin’ time with the lady here.
Doc: I’m…gonna go.
(Dr. Person rushes back to her office and locks the door. Dick and Booger stare at each in moribund silence…)
Dick: We’re in love with the same girl.
Booger: Just so you know, I’m not giving you a sponge bath.