Federal Prison – Episode 101
Two men — one an embezzling investment banker, the other a homegrown terrorist — suffer the trials and tribulations of federal prison in Northern Maine…
Episode 101 – The Two Gentlemen of Wheelock Mill
(On a bare gravel road on the outskirts of Wheelock Mill, ME, prisoners of the Wheelock Mill Maximum Security Federal Correctional Penitentiary are digging a ditch…)
Dick: Anybody know any good work songs? Like a hymnal where everybody claps and sways or something?
(A group of prisoners scowl at Dick Wilson…)
Booger: I think I know one about a riverboat.
Dick: (smiles) Take it away, Booger!
Booger: Actually, it’s more of a riddle. There’s a chicken, a fox and a bag of grain and you have to figure out how to get them all across a river.
Dick: In a riverboat?
Booger: Ah crap, you’ve heard that one.
(A skinny young prisoner sidles up next to Dick and Booger and leans on his shovel…)
Sebastian: Hi fellas, I’m new here. Name’s Sebastian.
Dick: (shakes the young prisoner’s hand) Put ‘er there, Sebastian. My you’re a skinny little thing, aren’t you? The Mill Boys are gonna have fun with you.
Sebastian: (lip quivers) Mill Boys?
Dick: They’re one of the many gangs at Wheelock Mill. Really into the whole prison rape scene.
Booger: They love it.
Dick: Personally it’s not for me, but…
Sebastian: Well maybe if I hang out with you guys, they won’t bother me? You both seem pretty popular.
(A nearby prisoner throws a dirt clod at Dick’s face and one of the guards shoves him back into line while everyone laughs…)
Dick: Yeah, we’re pretty cool. Always gonna be some haters, though.
Sebastian: How long have you been at Wheelock Mill?
Dick: (counts on fingers) Let’s see. ‘Bout a month, Boog?
Booger: (nods) ‘Bout a month.
Dick: A whole month. ‘Course in prison time, that’s like…two months.
Dick: Yup. We’re like grizzled old prison vets, Bassy. Stick with us and you’ll be juuust fine.
(Dick drops his shovel on his toe, hops around in pain, somehow knees Sebastian in the groin and they both crumple to the ground…)
Dick: Help me, Booger!
Booger: Want me to tell you another riddle to take your mind off the pain?
(In the penitentiary infirmary Dick is swinging his legs on the edge of examining table…)
Dick: (glances at patient in bed next to his) What are you in for?
Patient: (wincing, holding side) Got shivved.
Dick: Ooh. Tough break, bud.
(A beautiful young brunette in scrubs enters the room and reads off a clipboard in front of Dick…)
Eva: Good afternoon, I’m Dr. Eva Person. Dick Wilson?
Dick: (jaw drops involuntarily)
Eva: (looks up) Are you Dick Wilson?
Eva: I’ll take that as a yes. Says here you had a little accident on the ditch line today.
Eva: (squats down, removes Dick’s shoe) Lemme just take a look at your foot here.
Dick: (shuts eyes, emits odd moan)
Eva: Looks like you fractured your big toe. I’ll have one of the nurses reset it and we’ll have you out of here in no time.
Eva: (frowns) Nice meeting you, Dick. (turns to leave)
(Booger Oates is in Warden Delbert “Del” Mack’s office…)
Warden: Says here you want a job, Booger. First of all is that your real name, son?
Booger: Yes sir, Mr. Warden, sir.
Warden: Your parents must have had one helluva sense of humor.
Booger: No, sir.
Warden: Well we just had an orderly job open up in the infirmary. You think you can handle that?
Booger: Yes, sir. May I ask what happened to the last orderly, warden?
Warden: Got shivved.
(Dick Wilson is limping across the grounds with Sebastian…)
Dick: And she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Like an angel!
Sebastian: You sure that’s not just the painkillers talking?
Dick: Oh, they were all out of painkillers. Nope this is pure, unadulterated, unhomogenized, undeniable love. Sweet love, forever thine parried lips are but a rapier’s wit from thine essence.
Sebastian: That sounded like complete gibberish.
Dick: (throws an arm around Sebastian’s shoulder) It was! That’s the beauty of love, Bassy. It’s bigger than words. It’s bigger than air. It’s bigger than life itself.
Sebastian: Well I’m glad you’re happy, Dick. I guess if you can find happiness in prison, you can find it just about anywhere.
Dick: Ya know, Bassy; this whole prison experience may truly be broadening my horizons.
(A nearby prisoner throws a dirt clod at Dick’s face…)
(Booger is sweeping the floor of the infirmary that afternoon when Dr. Person passes by and stops…)
Eva: (smiling, holding out hand) You must be the new orderly. I’m Dr. Person. What’s your name?
(Dick and Booger are changing in the locker room after evening showers…)
Booger: How’s the foot, Dick?
Dick: Never mind that, Boog. I’ve got something far more important to tell you: I met a girl!
Booger: Hey, that’s crazy. I did too!
Dick: My girl’s got sweet chestnut hair that glistens in the fluorescent light.
Booger: My girl’s got little speckled freckles that you can only see if you’re close enough to kiss her.
Dick: Well, my girl’s got a great sense of humor. She laughs at all my jokes!
Booger: Oh yeah? Well, my girl’s got some good sturdy birthin’ hips.
Dick: My girl’s a doctor, so she’s gotta be smart.
Booger: My girl’s…a doctor, too.
Dick: (frowns) How could we both have met two doctors in the same prison on the same day?
Booger: (shrugs) Fate?
Dick: (heading toward the bathroom stall) You can say that again, Booger. You can say that again.
(Dick opens a stall door to find Sebastian sitting on the toilet. Sebastian shrieks and covers himself up. Dick slams the stall door shut and turns to Booger, white-faced…)
Booger: What’s the matter, Dick?
Dick: You know that new guy Sebastian?
Dick: I think he’s a she.