Washington & Madison: Time Travelers – Episode 1.09
Clone George Washington and clone James Madison are traveling through time and space in order to thwart the Illuminati from achieving its goal of the New World Order…
Episode 109 – As Fascist As You Can
September, 1940 – Germany
(George Washington and James Madison are blindfolded and tied up against a wall smoking cigarettes with a line of Nazi soldiers with rifles trained…)
Himmler: Zehn. Neun. Acht.
Madison: (whispering to George) What language is that, space alien? Is that Gleep-Glop? (shouts) Gleep-Glop, is that you?
Washington: It’s German.
Himmler: Vien. Drei. Zwei.
Washington: Um, haltenzee? Uh…mein name–
Himmler: Enough, American. I speak the English. Do you have a last request?
Washington: Yes. It’s about the bomb, actually.
Himmler: Yes, the bomb. What about the bomb?
Washington: I was just wondering who you were going to have operate such an advanced piece of weaponry after you execute us.
Himmler: (sighs, turns to soldier) Loslassen.
(The soldier unblindfolds and unties George and James. He removes George’s cigarette and goes for James’, but is slapped away…)
(George and James are in a vast lavish office of a sprawling mountain mansion. James is excitedly pacing the room…)
Madison: Whoo! Good old quick-thinkin’ George. Fastest mind in the West! My main man. Outsmartin’ the Bavarians. Man, if I–
Washington: Enough, James. Calm down. We still need to think up a way out of this mountain fortress. And get our time transponder back.
Madison: (waves hand) I’m sure you’ll think of somethin’. You’re General Washington, the brains of the operation.
Washington: (smirks) Then what does that make you?
Madison: (ponders) The cute one?
(The doors burst open and a dozen soldiers flank a petite mustachioed man as he seats himself behind a large desk on the opposite side of the room and motions the Presidents forward…)
Hitler: (meekly) You are the Americans with the bomb?
Hitler: Are you spies?
Hitler: Good. I do not like spies. We have to kill them and I do not like killing.
Madison: Well that’s good, because we don’t like being killed.
Hitler: Ha! A joke. I do enjoy the American humor. Like that Charlie Chaplin fellow with the mustache.
(George and James turn to each other and shrug…)
Hitler: (throws his arms up) You are to be my bombardiers! We will take the bomb to Poland and show everyone the might of the Reich.
Madison: Sounds like a plan, boss man. Fuck Poland.
Hitler: But first, we must do one important thing.
(George and James are wearing matching Nazi soldier uniforms. James tugs at the front of his pants…)
Madison: Little tight in the crotch there, mein Herr.
Hitler: Your uniform is from the Aryan Youth collection; because you are a little man.
Madison: Yes yes, I know. I’m short. Jeez. Lay off, Hitler.
Hitler: (claps hands) Now we go. To Poland!
(James and George follow Adolf and his soldiers out of the office…)
Madison: Boo! Poland sucks!
(The Presidents are on the rear car of a train chugging west out of Germany. The train car is extravagantly decorated and Hitler hands both men glasses of gin…)
Hitler: To Germany, the greatest nation in the history of the world! No offense to my American friends.
Washington: (grits teeth) None taken.
Hitler: Now if you will excuse me, I must take a Jew. (leans in, whispers) That’s what I call a poop. Because the Jews are like poop.
Madison: (uncomfortable forced snicker) Heh. Good one.
(Hitler exits the train car and George turns to James…)
Washington: What are we going to do? We can’t bomb a country with a nuclear weapon!
Madison: Meh. It’s Poland. They’re the dumbest country. Poland is like the Ohio of Europe. Ya know, I kinda like these Nazi uniforms. They’re smart. And clean!
Washington: We have to sabotage the nuke. Even if it means losing our own lives. We cannot afford to take the lives of innocents.
Madison: Fine, fine. We’ll sabotage the nuke. Relax. Ya know, now that he said it; I kinda gotta take a Jew, too.
(That evening, the Nazi train pulls into Warsaw and a squadron of soldiers escorts George, James and Adolf off the last car; followed by a crate carrying the 70’s Soviet nuke…)
Hitler: We will activate the bomb here in the town square and then retreat to a safe distance in order to watch the blast. Begin, my bombardiers!
Washington: There’s just one thing, Herr Hitler. In order to bring the bomb fully online, we will need the device confiscated from us by Mr. Himmler.
(Hitler removes the time transponder from his coat pocket…)
Hitler: You mean this? (hands it to George) I was wondering what this was for. Begin, men. And set the timer for twenty minutes so we have time to get a safe distance away.
(George and James turn to the nuke and James begins fiddling with the buttons…)
Washington: (clicks on time transponder) We’re going to have to act fast to get through the time portal before they can stop us. What are you doing over there?
Madison: (mashing buttons) Bombardiering.
(The transponder screen clicks on and George is met not with the face of Dr. Thomas Edison VII; but with Grover Cleveland…)
Washington: Who are you? Where is Dr. Edison?
Cleveland: I’m Grover Cleveland; head of the Illuminati. Dr. Edison is dead. And soon you will be, too.
Madison: I don’t like the sound of that.
Washington: You’re the one who’s been sending that Lincoln clone assassin after us, aren’t you?
Cleveland: (chuckles) Guilty. I’ve been playing you clones off each other to further the Illuminati’s goals.
Madison: (mashes buttons)
(The Soviet nuke clicks on and a timer starts…)
Madison: Ooh, I did something.
Washington: What are your goals, you treacherous monster?
Cleveland: Chaos, Mr. Washington.
Madison: (tugs on George’s Nazi uniform sleeve) Georgey, I did something.
Washington: Well we’re done running, Grover.
Washington: What, James, what?
(James points at the nuke’s timer which reads 0:30 seconds…)
Washington: Gotta run, Grover.
(George hits the manual override on the time transponder and types in a date. A blue portal opens up and George and James leap through…)
Madison: Where we headed, Big G?
Washington: We’re going to kill the President.
(The Presidents vanish while Hitler and his men look up at the mushroom cloud erupting over Warsaw…)
Hitler: Ach du lieber!