Washington & Madison: Time Travelers – Episode 1.06
Clone George Washington and clone James Madison are traveling through time and space in order to thwart the Illuminati from achieving its goal of the New World Order…
Episode 106 – The Other Son
(A swirling blue vortex opens up on the edge of a wooded field and George Washington and James Madison slam into the pine-needled ground…)
Madison: (stands up, holding lower back) Oof. Time-travelin’ ain’t gettin’ any easier.
Washington: (clicks on time transponder and Dr. Edison VII’s face pops up on screen) Good morning, Doctor. Would it be possible to speak to our wives?
Madison: (shakes head, mouthing) Tell her I’m not here.
Edison: No time, General. You’re in 13th Century England.
Washington: England! The land of those bloody Imperials?
Edison: Your mission today is one of love.
Edison: There are a prince and princess in this kingdom who need to fall in love in order to continue an important lineage. But a complication has arisen. If this matchmaking fails to occur, it could mean dire consequences in our ongoing battle against the Illuminati.
Madison: So we just need two hot young rich kids to fuck. Should be easy enough.
Washington: James, I wish you wouldn’t be so vulgar all the–
Knight: Stop, in the name of King Harold!
(The two turn to see a dozen stallion-mounted knights pointing swords at the Presidents’ necks…)
(In a dungeon cell below a grand castle, George and James pace back and forth…)
Madison: Why do we keep getting arrested? (bangs on cell bars) Is it a crime to time travel now?
Washington: Do not encourage them, James. They are medieval madmen with swords longer than your body.
Knight: (stomps down hallway, turns to face James) Quiet your tongue, prisoner.
Madison: Easy there, Lancelot. I just wanna know why we’re being held here. What are the charges?
Knight: You were trespassing on the property of the great King Harold, Lord of Dervershire and all the lands to the east.
Washington: Sir, I assure you; this is all a great misunderstanding. Mr. Madison and I were merely–
Knight: Maddifon? Did you say Maddifon?
Madison: No. He said ‘Madison’. Clean your ears out, tinhead.
(The knight drops to his knees and bows his head reverentially, unlocking the cell door. George and James step out…)
Madison: Finally. A little respect around here. It’s about damn time.
Knight: Forgive me, Sir Maddifon. I was unawares.
Madison: (turning to George) He keeps throwing an ‘f’ in there. (knocks on knight’s armor) Do you have a speech impediment, metal man?
Knight: Please, sirs. Follow me.
(George, James and the knight exit the dungeons and pass a gallows outside the castle, where a man is hanging by his neck…)
Washington: Another trespasser?
Knight: He was a man of science; making claims of the Earth revolving around the Sun. Science is a hangable offense.
(George gulps and tucks the time transponder into his frock coat…)
(In a great hall of the castle, a confused James is warmly embraced by the senile old King Harold…)
Harold: My son, how I’ve missed you.
Madison: (laughs nervously) Oh, yeah? Right back atcha, big guy.
(George leans over to a frowning man to his right…)
Washington: I’m afraid I’m confused as to what’s going on here.
Prince Robert: It seems father’s first-born has returned to Maddifon Castle. We thought we lost him in the war. The King shall soon forget about his lowly stepson, Prince Robert.
Washington: Oh. Well…that’s a shame.
Harold: (raising hands) Friends! Tonight, we have a feast. And soon, a wedding!
(The hall erupts…)
Madison: A wedding?
Harold: Yes, well Prince Robert was to marry cousin Bertrice; but now that my beloved first-born son has returned, the future Queen is yours.
Madison: Oh, you guys marry cousins too? We do that in Virginia. But seriously, pops; I’m not so sure about a whoa
(Cousin Bertrice — a sparkling beauty in a low-cut dress — bows before the three-foot President…)
Madison: (spits in hand, slicks back hair, voice cracks) ‘Sup, cuz?
(The next morning, James and George are riding around the castle grounds; James in a sharp green frock and cap atop a mighty stallion, George in a brown tunic on a pooping donkey…)
Washington: How can a mule poop more than it’s eaten? Where is this waste coming from, you infernal beast?
Madison: Tarry-ho, pip pip. Come along, George. My wedded awaits.
(The donkey finally stops pooping and trots up next to the stallion. George looks up at James…)
Washington: You know you can’t go through with this, right James?
Madison: Why not? She’s hot.
Washington: Well first of all, you’re married. And second of all, this is exactly what Dr. Edison was talking about. A complication tearing apart the love between a prince and princess. You are that complication. If we don’t get Prince Robert and cousin Bertrice together, the entire Maddifon lineage will be no more.
Madison: Don’t see how that affects me.
Washington: You are the Maddifon lineage.
Madison: My name is Madison.
Washington: It’s the medieval times. They switched ‘f’s’ and ‘s’s’ back then. Now. Whatever. That’s not important. I don’t want to get into a whole thing about lingual evolution. Look, where are your ancestors from?
Madison: Well, the Madisons descended from a clan of privileged noblemen in Engl–aw crap.
Washington: So it’s settled. The marriage is off.
Madison: Can we still have a bachelor party?
(In the great hall, James and George stand before the King…)
Madison: So as you can see, King; we didn’t necessarily tell a bald-faced lie so much as sorta slightly bend the truth.
Harold: I see.
Madison: I knew you’d understand, pops.
Harold: To the gallows.
Madison: Cool. Are we hanging another scientist?
(On the gallows, George Washington and James Madison stand with nooses around their necks…)
Washington: A fine mess you’ve gotten us into this time, James.
Madison: (rolls eyes) Oh yeah, like this is all my fault.
Washington: Yes. It is.
Madison: Well at least my ancestors will fuck now.
Washington: An odd thought.
Harold: On the count of three.
(A knight stands at the ready, while George fishes around in his pocket for the time transponder. He clicks it on and a giant blue portal opens up before the crowd…)
Madison: Cool, now what?
Washington: Maybe if we just sort of swing towards it. (kicks legs, chokes)
Harold: What kind of sorcery is this?
Washington: (glances at James, face turning blue) Yes, sorcery. We are sorcerors! Now cut us down or we shall turn you all into toads.
Madison: Yeah! Stinky, smelly, slimy toads.
Harold: Cut them down at once, you fool!
(The knight cuts down the nooses and everyone cautiously backs away from the Presidents as they step through the portal…)
Madison: So lemme get this straight: I almost banged my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother?
Washington: Not entirely clear on the accurate number of ‘greats’; but I suppose that’s not completely untrue.
Madison: Ha. Grody.