Totally Radical Sportz!

Spaceships! – Episode 205

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 07/25/2012

Capt. Bob Riggs, formerly of the Confederate Space Alliance (CSA), and Lord Lung Wang, formerly of the Imperial Master Force (IMF), are on a mission through the deep recesses of space to take down the IMF, led by Lord Wang’s sister, Queen Ling Wang…

Episode 205 – Seventy-Two Hours In The Empire

Reverend:  And it is written that all brothers and sisters of Space God are created equal and are to be treated as such for it is verily the message of Space God, Himself, that thy shalt rise from the misty darkness into the light, where the love of–

Queen:  Not good enough. Off with his head!

(Queen Wang and her court are on the civil war-split planet of Damaxis, collecting slaves for the Space Christian Temple to be built back on Wangoria. With the Imperial One docked high above, a transport ship has taken the Queen down to the planet’s surface to oversee operations. On a temporary patio set up outside the ship by her servants, she is auditioning a reverend for her temple…)

Queen:  (watching the Reverend being taken away for execution)  He’s got to have a real voice. He’s got to be able to light a fire under my people. But not enough of a fire for them to revolt.

General:  Yes, your majesty.

Queen:  And how is the slave-collecting going, General?

General:  Well your majesty, we’ll probably be off the planet in another day or two. We might have time to check out the Worlds Cup.

Queen:  Good. I’m beginning to get homesick for Wangoria. Send in the next reverend.

Reverend:  Ahem. In the beginning, there was nothing–

Queen:  Too long. Getting bored. Next!

~~~

(In a slave hold at the bottom of the Imperial One…)

Rico:  Aw, gruel again?

Jeri:  I like gruel.

Rico:  That’s all you Syrionese eat. We Damaxistanis have a more sophisticated palette.

Jeri:  Well la di da, fancy Damaxistanis. We’re all in the same slave boat now. No need to put on airs.

Rico:  You’re right, sorry. Just grumpy about this whole ‘being a slave’ thing.

Jeri:  Might not be that bad. Queen says we can go home again after we build this temple of hers. I’m in construction back in Syrio City. We can knock this baby out in a years’ time.

Rico:  It’s supposed to be the largest building ever erected in this galaxy. Visible from space.

Jeri:  Whew. Good thing I brought a book.

~~~

(CSA fighter pilot Tony Cole and chef Ray Kwong have finished making a crack deal in Damaxis City and are heading back to where they parked the PL-0900 when they spot two IMF guards on patrol…)

Cole:  (ducking around corner)  What the fuck is the Empire doin’ in Damaxis?

Kwong:  Those are Royal Guards. The Queen must be here. Maybe for the Worlds Cup?

Cole:  The Queen’s gonna go to a space soccer match?

Kwong:  I dunno. And I don’t really wanna stick around and find out.

Cole:  Well, I do. Follow my lead.

(Tony leaps out as the guards pass and manages to disarm one while Ray wrestles with the other. Tony helps knock him out and they drag the guards into a nearby alley. Minutes later, Cole and Kwong emerge in full Imperial Master Force Royal Guard regalia…)

Kwong:  I don’t like this, Tony.

Cole:  Me neither, man. Crotch is too tight.  (tugs at crotch)

~~~

(The crew of the SS P.E.A.C.E. are seated and enjoying dinner with the warship on auto-pilot…)

Wang:  So, let me get this straight. That ghost ship from last week was your ship from the future.

Riggs:  Correct.

Wang:  And the Captain’s log said I was King.

Ollie:  (nods)

Wang:  (turns to Chi)  Well that’s good news, at least.

Ollie:  It also said you boarded the Moxie and killed everyone on board.

Wang:  Preposterous! It was probably some elaborate head game left behind by my sister to tear us apart.

Riggs:  Well, it was awfully convincing. We saw a skeleton. Kinda neat. Kinda gross.

Wang:  Listen. I give you both my solemn promise that after I am King, I will not exact vengeance upon the Confederate Space Alliance.

Riggs:  Shake on it?

Wang:  I’ll do you one better.  (slices palm with steak knife, holds out bloody hand)  Let’s be blood brothers.

Riggs:  What.

Wang:  I want you to swear a blood allegiance.

Ollie:  Ew. You’re getting it on the tablecloth.

Riggs:  I don’t think we’re gonna be doing that.

Wang:  Why not?

Riggs:  Space AIDS.

Wang:  Nobody has Space AIDS.

Riggs:  Well yeah, ’cause we haven’t done a blood allegiance yet.

Wang:  Swear a blood allegiance and I’ll promise to never harm you or your people once I’m King.

Riggs:  No.

Wang:  C’monnnn.

Riggs:  No!

~~~

(Queen Wang, Gen. Liang and her court are in a box suite of Damaxis City Stadium for the Worlds Cup…)

Queen:  (boredly twirls hair)  So this is space soccer?

General:  (nods)  The most popular sport in this and nearly every other galaxy.

Queen:  Nobody’s scored any points.

General:  It’s more art than sport. It takes technique, finesse, the ability to avoid the laser tigers.

Queen:  Just don’t put any laser tigers on the field. That would be one way to avoid them.

General:  They added the laser tigers a few years back to make the game more exciting.  (shakes head)  So many deaths.

(On the pitch, a space soccer player gets maimed and inflamed by a laser tiger. The crowd roars…)

~~~

Wang:  (waving bloody hand in the Captain’s face while he brushes his teeth)  C’monnnn!

Riggs:  No.

~~~

(The IMF-disguised Cole and Kwong make their way to the Queen’s landing ship and see the shuttles being filled with Damaxistanis and taken up to the Imperial One high above…)

Cole:  They’re taking the people.

Kwong:  To where?

Cole:  (grabs a passing Damaxistani by the collar)  Oy, mate. Ya know where you’re goin’?

Damaxistani:  Yes, sir. I won’t cause any trouble. I’ll go peacefully.

Cole:  Peacefully where…mate?

Damaxistani:  To…Wangoria? To build the Queen’s Space Christian Temple. The largest temple in all the land.

Cole:  Well off with ya, then.  (tosses Damaxistani back into line)

Kwong:  My God, they’re slaves. That’s why the I-One keeps stopping at all these planets. She’s building a slave force to make her church.

Cole:  (shakes head)  Crazy bitch.

Kwong:  Why did you use the Space Australian accent back there?

Cole:  (shrugs)  I dunno. I panicked.

~~~

(Tony Cole and Ray Kwong — still in Royal Guard uniforms — are at a payphone contacting Capt. Gary and Lt. Tuggs on the CSS Moxie…)

Gary:  That crazy bitch.

Cole:  Hey that’s what I said, Captain.

Gary:  Well, you shouldn’t say that. It’s derogatory to women.

Cole:  Yes, ma’am.

Gary:  What are we gonna do? There’s not enough of us to stop her from wiping out all those planets.

Cole:  I tell ya what we’re gonna do, Cap’n. We’re gonna get word out to those slaves. We’re gonna light a fire under ’em. And together we’re gonna rise up and smite the unholy down into the fiery brimstone of Space Hell. With the ghouls and the goblins and the devils and the demons pokin’ ’em with their pitchforks. Then and only then will they truly feel the pain they’ve inflicted upon this land. A bitter sickness that dwells within and spreads dark black shadows casting over the–

Queen:  You there.

(The Queen’s caravan has stopped on their way back from the stadium, catching the end of Cole’s speech…)

Cole:  (stares white-faced, drops receiver)

Gary:  Tony? Tony? Boy, you really got us fired up up here. You there?

Queen:  You, the guard. Both of you. Get on.

(Cole and Kwong reluctantly get in the back of the caravan and it continues on back toward her ship…)

General:  What was that about, your majesty?

Queen:  That…was my new Reverend.

~~~

(Back on the SS P.E.A.C.E….)

Wang:  (smears bloody palm on Captain’s face while he’s sleeping)  Ha ha, blood allegiance!

Riggs:  (rolls over, wipes face)  That doesn’t count!

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