Spaceships! – Episode 203
Capt. Bob Riggs, formerly of the Confederate Space Alliance (CSA), and Lord Lung Wang, formerly of the Imperial Master Force (IMF), are on a mission through the deep recesses of space to take down the IMF, led by Lord Wang’s sister, Queen Ling Wang…
Episode 203 – Trippin’
(On a recently IMF-conquered planet, two members of the Imperial Master Force Guard are standing watch at a quiet security outpost on a frozen desert expanse…)
Guard #1: (packing pipe) Try this, man. I got it shipped to Imperial One when I was on duty there. Ordered it over the emergency line from those Confederate Space Alliance guys.
Guard #2: Rebel space crack. I’ve heard about this. (hits pipe, hacking cough)
Guard #1: Good, huh? (hits pipe)
Guard #2: (sits down, rubbing forehead, staring) Maybe those rebels ain’t so bad after all.
Guard #1: (hits pipe again, suffers heart attack, collapses)
Guard #2: Ooh. (stares at body, picks up pipe, hits pipe)
(Lord Wang is staring out the windows of his private quarters on board the SS P.E.A.C.E….)
Wang: What’s all this muck we seem to be flying through?
Chi: My readings say it’s just some sort of space dust. Should be harmless to the ship. We’ll get through it.
Wang: Well, we better. We’re a fully-operational nuclear warship now. One thing goes wrong and kaboom!
(Lord Wang turns around to be greeted by his sister, Queen Lung Wang. Lord Wang falls into the seat behind him, clutching his chest…)
Wang: Good God! Are you here to kill me?
Chi: Uh…no, sir?
(The Queen strides toward the chair with a grin and climbs on top of her brother, straddling him…)
Queen: I’ve missed you, brother.
Wang: But you banished me. You framed me for father’s murder. You said you never wanted to see me again!
Chi: Um. Are you alright, sir?
Queen: I was just hiding behind my true feelings for you, brother. (leans in for a kiss)
(Chi stares uncomfortably at Lord Wang sitting in his chair with his arms out, waggling his tongue and moaning…)
Chi: Um. I’m gonna give you the room, sir.
Wang: Ohh, momma!
(An NG-4001 IMF fighter jet is on patrol on the far reaches of the Shaoxing Galaxy…)
Pilot: How long are they gonna have us out here? There’s nothing but darkness. My eyes are starting to go.
Co-Pilot: (hands pilot a pipe) Try a little pick-me-up. Got it from a friend on I-One. Says the rebels are synthesizing space crack.
Pilot: (smiles) Those clever bastards. (takes hit)
Co-Pilot: Careful. That’s primo shit.
Pilot: (eyes bulge, clutches chest, collapses against controls)
(The NG-4001 plummets spiraling downwards…)
Co-Pilot: Welp. Might as well go out on top. (hits pipe)
(Chi taps Ollie on the shoulder as he’s piloting the SS P.E.A.C.E….)
Chi: Has your Captain been acting odd?
Ollie: (glances back at Capt. Riggs petting Lt. Chicken) You’re gonna have to be a lot more specific.
Chi: I was just in Lord Wang’s quarters and I’m fairly positive he’s hallucinating. He’s acting just like one of my roommates at Wangoria City Tech when he tried Space LSD.
Ollie: (smiles, nods) That explains the dust cloud.
Ollie: This cloud we’re passing through. I thought it looked familiar. I remember it from my Wangoria City Community College gen-ed space science course. It’s HAM.
Riggs: (head shoots up) Ham? Who said ‘ham’? I want ham.
Chi: What’s HAM?
Ollie: Hallucinogenic Asteroid Matter. It only affects those of a certain IQ when passing through it. Scientists still haven’t discovered it’s true origin. But if you’re dumb enough, it’ll REALLY mess you up.
Chi: So we should be fine.
Ollie: Yeah. But Wang and Riggs?
Chi: Hoo boy. I better go back and keep an eye on my Lord. Maybe your Captain’s smarter than you think.
Ollie: (glances skeptically back at Capt. Riggs laughing hysterically at something Lt. Chicken clucked)
(Two IMF royal guards are standing outside Queen Wang’s private quarters aboard the Imperial One on its way back to Wangoria…)
Guard #1: Bored.
Guard #2: (hands pipe) Try this.
Guard #1: K. (hits pipe, immediately keels over dead)
Guard #2: Ooh. (glances at pipe) Shouldn’t let the rest of this go to waste, though. (hits pipe, immediately keels over dead)
(Back on the bridge of the SS P.E.A.C.E., Capt. Riggs is standing behind Ollie with his eyes shut, erotically rubbing his First Mate’s scalp…)
Ollie: Uh, Captain?
Riggs: Shhhh. Just let it happen, Grace.
Ollie: Captain, I’m not Grace.
Riggs: I love you, Grace. Ohh, I can see colors!
Ollie: What? You can always see colors. Captain, I believe you’re hallucinating; because of the HAM.
Riggs: Ham! All the colors of the rainbow. A ham rainbow! Oink oink, piggy!
(Capt. Riggs chortles at the space pigs trotting over the rainbow spread out in front of the SS P.E.A.C.E….)
Ollie: Captain, maybe you should go sit down in the back and drink some orange juice.
Chicken: Stop that at once, you utter ninny!
(Capt. Riggs spins around to see Lt. Chicken staring crossly at him from the Captain’s chair…)
Riggs: (eyes wide) Ooh.
Chicken: What the devil do you think you’re doing, boy? Traipsing about like a loon.
Riggs: (steps wobbly toward the chicken) Father? Is that you, father?
Ollie: (glances back at his Captain with slight concern)
Chicken: Have a seat, boy. We have much to discuss.
(Capt. Riggs sits down Indian-style on the ground, staring up at the chicken seated in his chair with wide-eyed wonder…)
Riggs: Father, what are you doing here?
Chicken: I’ve come to have a chat after seeing how you’ve buggered your life up so.
Riggs: Well, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m a Captain and everything!
Chicken: You were the leader of a rebellion attempting to tear down the regime of those blasted Wangs. And you threw it all away to follow around some rummy in a robe with some serious familial problems.
Riggs: Well to be fair, he did kidnap me.
Chicken: You’ve had chances to escape since then. And yet here you are, talking to a chicken.
Riggs: That chicken is a Lieutenant, I’ll have you know.
Chicken: You’re a fool. A clown. A fraud!
Riggs: But dad, Lord Wang’s on our side now. He wants to take down the Queen, just like us.
Chicken: Why didn’t you listen to that sweet girl, Grace, when you had the chance. She tried to talk you out of this.
Riggs: Again, kidnapped. (turns back to Ollie) Grace, will you talk some sense into this silly old bag of bones?
Ollie: I’m still not Grace, Captain. And I’m not talking to a chicken.
Chicken: Grace is gone, my boy. You left her. And now you’re all alone on this nuclear warship, sleeping with the enemy.
Riggs: (frowns) We only slept together that one night because the ship’s heater was broken. IT WAS PLATONIC!
Chicken: I’m afraid you’ve lost your way, my boy.
Riggs: Then tell me how to find my way back, father. Tell me how to find my way back!
Chicken: It’s quite simple, son. All you’ve got to do is–ba-gock!
Riggs: (taps chin) Interesting. But I don’t follow. Please elaborate.
Chicken: Ba-gock! Ba-gock, ba-gock!
Riggs: Lieutenant if you don’t mind, I was speaking to my father. (taps side of chicken’s head, chicken squawks, scratches Riggs) Ow! You still in there, dad?
Ollie: (turns back to Riggs) We’ve passed the HAM field, Captain. The effects should be wearing off.
Riggs: But dad was gonna tell me what I should do next.
Ollie: You know that wasn’t really your father, right Captain? You were hallucinating. You were talking to a chicken. Frankly, I didn’t even know your father was dead.
Riggs: A Lieutenant. And he’s not dead. He lives in a retirement home in Sky City. But if that wasn’t really my father, then how do I know what I’m supposed to do now?
Ollie: You’ve just gotta…trust your instincts.
Riggs: My instincts are just telling me I’m hungry.
Chicken: (shuffles under nearby control panel)
Riggs: Better go check on Wang.
(Capt. Riggs makes his way to the rear of the warship and is about to open the door to Lord Wang’s private quarters when Chi comes storming out, red-faced. Riggs glances inside to find Lord Wang pulling on his robes and grins…)
Riggs: Jeez, what were you guys hallucinating?
Chi: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Riggs: Were you the lady?
Chi: I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.