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Spaceships! – Episode 202

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 07/11/2012

Capt. Bob Riggs, formerly of the Confederate Space Alliance (CSA), and Lord Lung Wang, formerly of the Imperial Master Force (IMF), are on a mission through the deep recesses of space to take down the IMF, led by Lord Wang’s sister, Queen Ling Wang…

Episode 202 – Nowhere To Run

(Capt. Grace Gary is on the bridge of the CSS Moxie standing beside Sgt. Tyrone Jones, as they look down on a dark charcoal black planet…)

Gary:  Syrio. What could Lord Wang possibly want on Syrio?

Jones:  One of the most dangerous planets in the galaxy. Could be just about anything. You want me to follow them down there?

Gary:  No. I’ve already sent Lt. Tuggs and Tony down in the PL-0900. We can’t risk Lord Wang sensing our presence, he’s already threatened Bob’s life once. We just need to maintain a safe distance and observe.

(Meanwhile in the Moxie‘s docking bay, chef Ray Kwong is helping Tony and Cliff load crates onto the fighter jet…)

Tuggs:  Hurry up with that crack, fellas. Whole helluva lotta dopeheads on Syrio. We’re bound to make a fortune.

Cole:  (laughs, salutes the newly-promoted pilot)  Yes sir, Lieutenant!

Otis:  (stumbles out of tool shed drunk)  Pick me up a pack of cigs while you’re down there. (hic)

~~~

(Capt. Bob Riggs sneezes as he disembarks the SS P.E.A.C.E….)

Ollie:  You okay, Captain?

Riggs:  I dunno, Ollie. Think I’m comin’ down with something.  (elbows his First Mate)  Maybe it’s Space AIDS from all the babes I’m bangin’, eh buddy?

Ollie:  (frowns)  I’ve never seen you bang any babes.

Riggs:  (glances at smirking Lord Wang)  Well I’m not gonna let you watch, pervo. I bang tons of babes. Right, guys? Up top. Babes.  (holds hand up for high-five that goes unreturned)

Wang:  Right. So, we should split up. We need to find a nuke and get back on this ship before sundown. Syrio City gets rather hairy after dark. We’ll break into teams and meet back here at 1800 hours.

Riggs:  (hand shoots up)  I call Ollie!

Ollie:  Oh. Thank you, Captain.

Riggs:  No offense, Chi.

Chi:  None taken, sir.

~~~

(Ollie and Capt. Riggs are walking down a busy market street with haphazard booths lining both walls, filled with odd foreign animal carcasses and high-class, stolen weaponry on full display…)

Riggs:  (sneezes, coughs, hocks loogie)

Ollie:  That’s starting to sound really nasty, Captain. Maybe we should find you a doctor.

Riggs:  (wipes snot on pants)  In this hellhole? Better chance of finding an empty welfare office.

Ollie:  Now that’s a little insensitive, Captain. These third-world worlds have come a long way since you were a boy. They’re Westernized now; cultured.

Salesman:  (leaps in front of the men)  You want buy girl? Is cheap! Boy will cost you, though.

Riggs:  (glances at Ollie)

Ollie:  Well, perhaps this street isn’t the best example.

Riggs:  Syrio is an ugly place, Ollie. At least the slums of Wangoria have some sense of character to them. Here we’re surrounded by the most disgusting, deplorable beings ever shot out of Space God’s womb. Through these ports pass every soulless bounty hunter; every classless warlord; every nefarious space gangbanger this universe has ever shat out. No, you’ll find no redemption here, Ollie. All you’ll find on Syrio — eventually — is death.

Ollie:  That was a chilling speech, Captain.

Riggs:  I made a speech?  (faints)

Ollie:  Oh dear.

Salesman:  (brings over chained sex slave)  You want her wrapped or to go?

~~~

(In a shop clear across town, Lord Wang kicks a missile and it wobbles on the rack as the salesman runs over, hollering at him in Admadanese…)

Wang:  (glowers)  What did he call me?

Chi:  Nothing, sir. He just doesn’t want you kicking the nuclear missiles. Which I might take as wise advice.

Wang:  I’m pretty sure I heard him say ‘poophead’. I know Admadanese too, ya know!

Chi:  No you don’t, sir.

Wang:  Yeah. But he doesn’t know that. What’s he saying now? He keeps yammering on over there.

Chi:  He says this is the finest nuke you’re going to be able to purchase on the black market.

Wang:  Yeah. I bet that’s what they all say.

Chi:  Sir, I’ve looked around and this seems to be the only shop in the city that sells nukes. He’s got two. I say we take them.

Wang:  How much?

(The salesman packs a pipe as he speaks to Chi…)

Chi:  For both? Two hundred million.

Wang:  Two hundred million space dollars? That’s twice as much as our ship!

Chi:  He says, ‘What good is a nuclear warship without nuclear missiles?’

Wang:  Well, he’s got me there. But still, highway robbery.  (writes check)

~~~

(Ollie has found a medic hut and drags Capt. Riggs up onto a table where a Syrionese doctor looks him over…)

Doctor:  (nods)  It’s an allergic reaction. Has he been exposed to any poultry recently?

Ollie:  We have a chicken on our ship.

Doctor:  Well, just get rid of it and he should be fine.

Ollie:  But he’s a Lieutenant.

Doctor:  What?

Ollie:  Long story. Is there any medication he can take in the meantime?

Doctor:  I’ve given him some antichickahistamines. He’ll be pretty woozy for the next eight hours or so.

Ollie:  Thanks, doc.  (glances down at the empty table)  Uh oh.

(Outside, Capt. Riggs is winding and weaving when he finds his way into a saloon…)

Riggs:  Barkeep.

Bartender:  You look like you’ve had enough.

Riggs:  I’ll tell ya when I’ve had enough. Gimme a Wang Lite.

Bartender:  (smirks)  Light beer for the lightweight, comin’ up.

(The saloon patrons laugh as Capt. Riggs snarls. He overhears a conversation coming from the table behind him…)

Syrionese Thug #1:  I saw his poster on the wall when they let me out of the clink this morning. Says he’s wanted in all galaxies.

Syrionese Thug #2:  Wow, what’d he do?

Syrionese Thug #1:  He killed the King. The reward is 500 million space dollars, alive; 600 million, dead.

Syrionese Thug #2:  (whistles)  That Queen is one tough broad.

Riggs:  (face goes white)

Bartender:  (drops dirty glass of beer down on the bar)  Five space dollars.

Riggs:  (tosses a couple coins, picks up glass)  I’ll take it to go.

Bartender:  You can’t do that!

Ollie:  (rushes in)  Captain, there you are. We need to get you back to the ship.

Riggs:  Couldn’t agree more, Ollie. Lord Wang isn’t safe here!

Syrionese Thug #1:  (stands up)  Did you say ‘Lord Wang’?

Riggs:  Uh…uh…  (tosses beer in Syrionese thug’s face)  RUN!

~~~

(Lord Wang and Chi are lugging the missiles onto the SS P.E.A.C.E. when Riggs and Ollie come sprinting around the corner, the Captain still weaving dangerously. Nearby, pilot Tony Cole and Lt. Cliff Tuggs are making a deal with a notorious Syrionese crack dealer. They pop their hoods when they notice Capt. Riggs…)

Ollie:  Get on the ship!

Wang:  Who the devil are you to order I, the great Lord Wang?

Riggs:  (wheezing, hands on knees)  Bad guys…coming to kill you…wanted poster…dead or alive…mostly dead.

(Ollie hands Lord Wang a wanted poster…)

Wang:  Oh dear, seems my sister’s upped the ante.

Ollie:  (rushes past Wang and Chi)  I’ll get the engine running.

Chi:  You look terrible, Captain.

Riggs:  (still catching breath)  I’m allergic to chickens.

(The Syrionese thugs turn the corner, followed by Syrionese police officers…)

Cop:  (gun raised)  Stop right there, Wang.

(The crack dealer, spotting the police, shoves Cliff and Tony out of the way and starts firing as the SS P.E.A.C.E. takes off. Capt. Riggs watches the gunfight below as they head back off into the stars, Lt. Chicken in his lap…)

Riggs:  (sneezes)  Talk about a close call!

Chicken:  Ba-gock!

Riggs:  (pets chicken)  You can say that again, Lt. You can say that again.  (sneezes)

~~~

(Back on the CSS Moxie, Capt. Gary is waiting for Tony and Cliff as they exit their jet, pockets full of cash, laughing and high-fiving…)

Gary:  Well? Bob make it off Syrio in one piece?

Cole:  Who?

Tuggs:  (elbows Tony)  Oh yeah, he’s fine. Looked a little pale, though.

Gary:  (shakes her head)  Probably eating nothing but candy on that warship.  (fingers Cliff’s jacket)  Is that a bullet hole?

Tuggs:  (rests a hand on the new Captain’s shoulder)  Captain, what happens in Syrio City, stays in Syrio City.

(The three share a hearty guffaw as Otis the mechanic stumbles out of his tool shed…)

Otis:  You mopes get my cigs?

Cole:  Aw man, we forgot. Sorry, Otis.

Otis:  (grumbles)  Some day I’m gonna burn this whole ship to the ground.

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