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Spaceships! – Episode 201

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 07/06/2012

Capt. Bob Riggs, formerly of the Confederate Space Alliance (CSA), and Lord Lung Wang, formerly of the Imperial Master Force (IMF), are on a mission through the deep recesses of space to take down the IMF, led by Lord Wang’s sister, Queen Ling Wang…

Episode 201 – Just When You Thought It Was Over

Wang:  What do you mean “100 million space dollars”? That’s outrageous. I won’t hear of it!

Salesman:  Mr. Wang, this here is a top-of-the-line bonafide particle-accelerating warship with nuclear capabilities.

Wang:  It’s a hunk of junk.

Salesman:  Mr. Wang, I am offended. Titanium-alloy armored exoskeleton. Multi-gauge photon laser rocket cannons. Light speed capacities. This is the pinnacle of starship engineering in this and any other galaxy. And I’m gonna throw in a chicken for free.

(Lord Wang is haggling with a salesman at Ernie’s Spaceship Emporium & Chicken Farm on the desert planet, Dryverse. Lord Wang glares at a nearby chicken pen with a lone chicken clucking and strutting around…)

Wang:  Well, he is awfully cute. But this ship’s over twenty years old.

Salesman:  They don’t make ’em like this anymore, Mr. Wang. It’ll still hold up. What are you planning on using it for? Space piracy?

(Capt. Bob Riggs is over at another chicken pen with his First Mate Ollie Grant, tossing rice onto a mass of writhing chickens and chortling…)

Riggs:  Yeah! Tell him we’re Space Pirates, Wang!

Ollie:  I don’t think they’re allowed to eat rice, Captain.

Riggs:  (glowers)  So they’re getting a treat, then.

(Multiple chickens keel over dead with their stomachs ripping open…)

Chi:  Let’s just pay the man, sir. I don’t feel safe on this planet.

Wang:  You said this ship has nuclear capabilities. Are there nuclear missiles on the ship?

Salesman:  Nope. Nukes sold separately.

Wang:  Well, can you throw some nukes in and sweeten the deal?

Salesman:  (chuckling) Oh, you ain’t gonna find any nukes on this planet. Or many others for that matter. For that, you’re gonna have to go on the Space Black Market. But you fellas shouldn’t have any trouble with that; being Space Pirates and all.

Riggs:  (in pen, kicking dead chickens under pile of live chickens)  Yeah, we’re pirates! Yarrrrr!

Wang:  (sighs, hands salesman check)


(Capt. Riggs is standing behind his First Mate Ollie Grant as he pilots the warship off of planet Dryverse…)

Riggs:  Careful piloting through this space fog, Ollie. Don’t wanna bonk into an asteroid.

Ollie:  Yes, sir. Captain, do you think we’ll ever see the CSS Moxie again?

Riggs:  Nope. I doubt it, Ollie. They’re probably lost without their beloved Captain. Dead, even.

Ollie:  Oh.

Riggs:  The important thing now is to forget all about them. Forget they ever existed. Our mission is still the same: Take down the Imperial Master Force. And now that we’ve got our warship, we’re well on our way. Just gotta think of a sweet name for this bugger, though. How about Killship?

Ollie:  I dunno, sir. Seems a little violent.

Riggs:  Have I told you yet today that you’re the worst, Ollie?

Ollie:  This morning, Captain. Over breakfast.

Riggs:  (nods)  That’s right. Mr. Hoggin’-All-The-Toast, over here.

Ollie:  There were two slices of bread left, Captain.

Riggs:  One of them was the butt-slice, Ollie. You know how I feel about bread butts!


(Lord Wang and Chi are toward the rear of the warship, decorating Lord Wang’s private quarters…)

Wang:  How about Massive Spaceship?

Chi:  It’s certainly descriptive. Sir, are you positive we can trust these Confederate Space Alliance men? The Captain doesn’t really feel like the warmongering type.

Wang:  I trust Captain Bob implicitly. He is a born leader. And now that we have our warship, everything is falling into place. Soon we will assemble a great army and my sister the Queen will tremble in her tight knee-high patent leather boots.  (pauses)  I’m going to need the room, Chi.

Chi:  (sighs, exits)


Riggs:  What about Hellship?

Chi:  So…it’s like we’re in Hell?

Riggs:  No, we’re bringin’ Hell.  (raises fist in air)  Raaah, Hellship!

Chi:  Uh huh.

Riggs:  (stares out window, chin on fists)  Sure do miss those guys.

Ollie:  I thought we weren’t supposed to think about them, Captain.

Riggs:  Do as I say, not as I do, Ollie. Yeah, I’m gonna miss Grace and Cliff and Tony and Tyrone and Harry and Spanky and Jangly and Boutros Boutros and Ollie and Jack-O.

Ollie:  Pretty sure half those people weren’t on our ship. And also, I was in that list for some reason.

Riggs:  Yup, lotta memories. Ooh! What about Monkey Ship?

Ollie:  Monkey Ship?

Riggs:  (chortles)  I like monkeys.


(Chi joins Ollie on the bridge, as Capt. Riggs has retired to his quarters…)

Chi:  So…Ollie, is it?

Ollie:  Yes.

Chi:  How do you like the, oh yeah this ship doesn’t have a name yet. Last I checked, my Lord was planning on The Hearse-Filler.

Ollie:  Capt. Riggs was leaning toward Monkey Ship; but then changed it to Monkey Boner Ship. Thought it was funnier.

Chi:  Your Captain is the peculiar sort.

Ollie:  He’s your Captain too now, you know.

Chi: Yes. But just to be clear, Lord Wang is the supreme commander of this ship. All decisions are to be made through him.

Ollie:  Captain led me to believe it would be more of a committee-style approach.

Chi:  Well, your Captain has been grossly misinformed.

Chicken:  Ba-gock!

(Chi jumps and spins around as a chicken struts past the bridge…)

Chi:  What in blue blazes is that?

Ollie:  Lt. Chicken. Came with the ship.

Chi:  You named it “Lt. Chicken”?

Ollie:  Captain did. Actually, he gave it the rank of Lieutenant. Technically I answer to the chicken, who answers to the Captain.

Chi:  Kind of puts a damper on the old self-esteem, doesn’t it?

Ollie:  Yeah. And he’s got a real bad attitude, too.

Chicken:  (pecks Ollie’s foot)  Ba-gock!


(Capt. Riggs knocks on the door to Lord Wang’s private quarters and enters…)

Wang:  Don’t come in! Don’t come in! Oh, you’ve come in.

Riggs:  Hey, Wang. Boy, you’re all sweaty.

Wang:  Yes. I was doing rigorous calisthenics.

Riggs:  Ha. Jerkin’ it. Nice.  (raises hand for high-five that goes unreturned)  So, sorry to hear about your dad. You know, even though we were trying to kill him and all.

Wang:  I’m afraid my sister beat you and the CSA to the punch. And then blamed me for the death. Not that I miss him much. He’s in Space Hell now, where he belongs.

Riggs:  So what’s your sister like? Is she a total bitch?

Wang:  (smirks)  You could say that.

Riggs:  I did. I said she’s a total bitch. So what’s our plan of attack?

Wang:  We’re going to trail her armada until the time is right to strike. From reports I’ve received, she and Gen. Liang are taking their sweet time returning to our home planet of Wangoria; stopping at various other outposts along the way.

Riggs:  Mmhmm. For sightseeing, or–?

Wang:  Mass genocide and enslavement.

Riggs:  Oh.

Wang:  She’s instituted the Queen Wang Affordable Care Act. She visits a planet touting her new mult-universal healthcare law. The only catch is in order to be eligible for the healthcare, you have to work for an indefinite amount of time as a slave building her precious Slave Christian temple back home. All those opposed are executed. Entire planets are being wiped out.

Riggs:  Well, people take their religion very seriously. So listen, I was thinking about a name for the ship while I was pooping and I think I nailed it.

Wang:  Let me guess, the SS Poop?

Riggs:  (chortles, glances down at paper)  Oh, now I kinda wanna change it.

Wang:  Just read me what you’ve got there.

Riggs:  (places scrawled notepaper on table)  The SS P.E.A.C.E. It’ll make people think we’re all pacifists and then WHAM! Laser blast!

Wang:  (strokes chin)  Intriguing. What does it stand for?

Riggs:  “Photon Energy Accelerator Combatship.”

Wang:  What about the ‘E’?

Riggs:  Uh…”Everybody”?

Wang:  (furrows brow)  The Photon Energy Accelerator Combatship, Everybody. I love it. We’ll get Chi to emblazon it on the side of the ship as soon as we make our next landing. Speaking of which, advise your pilot that we’ll be docking on Planet Syrio in a day’s time.

Riggs:  Syrio? That’s a pretty hairy place. What are we doing there?

Wang:  (grins)  We’re buying a nuke.

Chicken:  (wanders into room)  Ba-gock!

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