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Spaceships! – Episode 111

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 06/25/2012

The Confederate Space Alliance (CSA) crew of the CSS Moxie are on the run from the Imperial Master Force (IMF) through the deep recesses of space…

Episode 111 – The Act Of Succession

(Sgt. Tyrone Jones alerts Lt. Grace Gary to a transmission coming over the emergency line aboard the CSS Moxie…)

Gary:  (eyes bug, turns to the ship pilot)  My God. The King is dead.

Jones:  Oh, snap! That fool Lord Wang’s the new King of the Universe?

Gary:  (shakes her head)  His daughter Ling Wang has been proclaimed Queen and Lord Lung Wang has been banished from the kingdom. Where’s the Captain? He’s got to hear this.

Jones:  He’s out on a scouting mission with Tony in the PL-0900. Does this mean the revolution’s over, Lieutenant?

Gary:  I’m afraid it’s just begun, Sergeant.  (glances at bottle in pilot’s left hand)  Is that dish detergent?

Jones:  We were out of rum.

~~~

(The Imperial One is returning to Wangoria. The young Queen Wang is on the bridge with General Liang…)

General:  What of the rebels, your majesty?

Queen:  They are a supply ship of roughly ten men. Let them carry on with their puny rebellion. It will bring some amusement along with all the droll responsibilities I’ve inherited from my father.

General:  And what of your brother? He left in the middle of the night with his servant and a ship full of supplies.

Queen:  Let him find a rock in a far-off galaxy to crawl under and die. I never want to hear his name on this ship again.

General:  Yes, mum.

Queen:  And be a dear and conquer another planet, will you? We’re going to need about a million more slaves for the building of my new Space Christian temple.

General:  Yes, mum.  (jots down ‘conquer planet’, ‘enslave race’ on napkin)

~~~

(On the stolen IMF supply ship, Chi is struggling with the controls as Lord Wang looks on…)

Wang:  (dialing interstellular telephone)  She’s not picking up, Chi.

Chi:  (pulls lever, loud noise erupts from back of ship, pushes lever back to original position)  Well she did banish you from the kingdom, sir. I imagine she might start screening your calls now that she’s Queen.

Wang:  Queen! Can you believe that load of crock? I’m beginning to think she killed dad and forged his will after the fact. Framed us up for the whole thing.

Chi:  That was actually my first thought, sir.

Wang:  Well, why didn’t you say anything!

Chi:  Because she would have had our heads. The only reason she let us escape is because, well…

Wang:  Spit it out, Chi.

Chi:  Well, she doesn’t think you’re that bright. She doesn’t see you as a political threat.

Wang:  I’m not following.

Chi:  (sighs)

Wang:  (points out windshield)  Look out for that asteroid!

Chi:  (squints out windshield)  That asteroid is roughly 300,000 light years away, sir.

Wang:  Oh. Looked a lot closer. What’s a light year?

~~~

(The PL-0900 is floating listlessly through space. Pilot Tony Cole fiddles with the radio while Captain Riggs stares out the side window…)

Riggs:  Borrring.

Cole:  Great. The radio’s dead, Captain. We’re stuck out here with no fuel and no communication with the ship.

Riggs:  Can we get out and push? And by we, I mean you.

Cole:  You don’t understand space, do you Cap’n?

Riggs:  I understand that you’re a dick.

Cole:  You told me the ship had a full tank.

Riggs:  The knob was all the way to the edge.

Cole:  Yeah. The edge with an ‘E’ above it.

Riggs:  Yeah…

Cole:  Captain, what do you think ‘E’ stands for?

Riggs:  …every fuel?

Cole:  (sighs)

~~~

(On the IMF supply ship…)

Chi:  What’s the plan if we do come in contact with the rebel ship? Won’t they just blow us out of the sky?

Wang:  Don’t you get it, Chi? We’re on their side now. We all wanna take down the Queen.

Chi:  I’m afraid they might not see it that way, sir.

Wang:  Then we barter. All we need is the Captain. Once we procure him, we’ll have the crack military mind we need to organize a force to take down my sister and reclaim the throne that is rightfully mine.

Chi:  And if the Captain refuses to cooperate?

Wang:  (grins sinisterly)  I have ways of making men cooperate.

Chi:  Sir, tickling doesn’t necessarily work on everyone.

Wang:  Oh is that so, Chi? All aboard the tickle train!  (tickles Chi’s armpits)

Chi:  Sir, please. Sir, I’m piloting the ship. Sir!  (giggles uncontrollably, ship veers out of control)

~~~

(Capt. Riggs fogs the side window with his breath and writes “poop” in the fog…)

Riggs:  Do you believe in God, Tony?

Cole:  (in the back of the jet fighter)  Cap’n, I’m tryin’ to get this particle accelerator to…accelerate particles. Damn, I wish Otis was here.

Riggs:  Are you a Space Christian, Tone?

Cole:  I really don’t like to discuss religion in the workplace, boss.

Riggs:  I’m a Space Christian. Or at least I was when I was a kid. Don’t really go to church anymore, what with the rebellion and all.

Cole:  And the fact that you turned the ship chapel into a bean bag chair room.

Riggs:  What’s that?

Cole:  Nothin’, boss. But if you must know, I’m a Space Muslim.

Riggs:  (bolts upright)  Whoa, I didn’t know that.

Cole:  That gonna be a problem, Captain?

Riggs:  No. …can you guys really fly on carpets?

Cole:  (sighs)

Riggs:  Can’t you just fly back to the Moxie real quick and get us some more fuel?

Cole:  Gee. I would, Cap’n; but I left my magic flying Space Muslim carpet in my locker.

Riggs:  (slams control board)  Dammit, Cole!

(The whole fighter jet shakes and both men are knocked to the ground…)

Riggs:  Did you fix it?

Cole:  Nah. I didn’t do nothin’.  (glances out rear window)  Oh, shit.

Riggs:  What is it? Is it your carpet?

Cole:  We got rear-ended by a ship. An IMF ship.

Riggs:  (swallows hard)  I wish it was your carpet.

Cole:  I DON’T HAVE A CARPET!

Riggs:  (sulks)  You don’t need to yell.

~~~

(Lord Wang and Chi don spacesuits and make their way onto the PL-0900 and knock on the decompression hatch. Tony reluctantly opens the hatch and the men tumble inside…)

Riggs:  (laser gun trained on Lung & Chi)  What do you want? Who are you? Do you have insurance? We’re not covered for this!

(Lord Wang, arms raised, smiles when he notices the lapels on Capt. Riggs’ jumpsuit…)

Wang:  You must be the great Captain Robert Riggs.

Riggs:  (puffs chest, lowers weapon)  I am.

Wang:  I’m Lord Lung Wang of the Imperial Master Force.

Riggs:  (raises & cocks laser gun)  Ahhh! Bad guys!

Wang:  Please, I mean you no harm. Let me correct myself. I’m Lord Lung Wang, formerly of the Imperial Master Force.

Riggs:  (lowers weapon again, smirks)  Ah. Got shitcanned, eh?

Wang:  (frowns)  In a way. Capt. Riggs, I believe we now have similar aims. Particularly the overthrow of my sister as Queen of Wangoria and all known galaxies. I was hoping we could have a civil discussion. Perhaps back on your ship?

Riggs:  I would; but we don’t have any fuel. Numbnuts here doesn’t know how to read a fuel gauge. He thinks ‘E’ means “every fuel”!

Cole:  (frowns)

Wang:  (chuckles)  I’m afraid I’ve got a fool as a man-servant, as well.

Chi:  (frowns)

Cole:  Ay, I ain’t no man-servant.

Riggs:  (glares)  Man-servant, please!

Wang:  We could easily tow your jet back to the ship, if you radio ahead and allow an IMF ship to land in your docking bay.

Riggs:  (shrugs)  No radio.  (motions to Tony)  Again, numbnuts.

Wang:  Then come aboard my ship and radio from there.

Riggs:  Can I wear one of those cool spacesuits?

Wang:  Of course. Chi, give him your spacesuit.

(Capt. Riggs slips on the spacesuit and Tony takes him aside…)

Cole:  Captain, do you think it’s wise trusting this guy? I mean, he is the most evil man in the universe.

Riggs:  (waves hand)  Probably just got a bad rap. Look at what my spacesuit can do!  (slaps a bunch of buttons on chest plate, a plume of exhaust erupts in the Captain’s helmet and knocks him onto his ass)

Cole:  (sighs)

(Chi and Lord Wang stare down at the Captain as he struggles to get on his feet…)

Chi:  This is your great warrior, sir?

Wang:  (nods)  I have much to learn from this man, Chi. I didn’t even know my spacesuit had buttons.  (slaps a bunch of buttons on chest plate, plume of smoke in helmet knocks him on his ass)

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