Spaceships! – Episode 110
The Confederate Space Alliance (CSA) crew of the CSS Moxie are on the run from the Imperial Master Force (IMF) through the deep recesses of space…
Episode 110 – The Lyin’ King
BJ: Caller, you’re on the air with Bad Man BJ and the Sly Fox here on KIMF radio. What’s your request?
Caller: Long-time listener/first-time caller, BJ. I wanna hear that new Bob Riggs jam.
BJ: Bob Riggs again?
Caller: Aw yeah, again and again!
BJ: Well I tell ya, we’re gonna get in trouble with the man upstairs if we keep playing this Riggs joint. But I don’t care, ’cause this shit’s bangin’! Here’s Bobby Riggs with “MMMBop” on K…IMF.
Riggs: ♫ MMMBop, ba-tippy-top bop boom bop, ba-dibby-dop bop boom bop… ♫
(Lord Wang is bobbing his head to the radio in his private study aboard the Imperial One…)
Wang: This fella’s got pipes. Chi, who is this Bob Riggs gentleman?
Chi: He’s the captain of the rebel ship we’re pursuing, sir.
Wang: (shoots out of comfortable recliner) What! Then why are we playing his jams?
Chi: We received the transmission a few days ago and I’m afraid it’s taken the ship by storm. We believe it was originally supposed to be a distress signal; but he just ended up singing an old Hanson song instead.
Wang: And now everybody on this ship is bobbing their head to his dulcet tones? He’s undermining morale! He must be a tactical genius. I need to speak to my father at once.
Chi: I’m afraid the King is with your sister at the moment and has requested privacy.
Wang: Well, in that case…turn this shit up!
(Capt. Riggs bursts onto the bridge of the CSS Moxie…)
(Riggs points at a scraggle of short hairs on his upper lip…)
Gary: (repulsed) Oh, gross. Shave that at once, Bob.
Tuggs: You look like you ate a squirrel and didn’t finish.
Riggs: But it’s a sweet, sweet ‘stache.
Gary: No. It’s the worst.
Grant: It’s really rather bad, sir.
Riggs: (eyes well up with tears) I hate you! I hate you all! (sprints out of bridge deck)
(Inspector Decquely is smoking a cigarette near the opening of the hangar bay and staring out at the expansive space behind them. Chef Ray Kwong joins him…)
Kwong: Mind if I light up?
Decquely: Be my guest.
Kwong: (rubs eyes) Feel like I’ve been asleep for days. Needed a pick-me-up.
Kwong: Did you see the Captain’s mustache?
Decquely: Yeah. I had to skip lunch.
Kwong: Hey, I just wanna say I’m really sorry about that whole crack trial thing. I’m out of the drug game and I promise to keep my nose clean from now on.
Decquely: That’s good to hear, Ray. I always thought you were a little smarter than all of that. Besides, we shouldn’t be worrying about drugs and money. We’ve got an empire to take down.
Kwong: (gazes out hangar opening) Look at all those stars. Kinda makes you feel insignificant. All that ceaseless, endless beauty. It’s inspiring.
(Otis the mechanic and ship drunk waddles over to the edge of the hangar next to Ray and Hunter, unzips his fly and proceeds to piss off the back of the ship out into space…)
Otis: (turns to a grimacing Hunter and Ray, nods, belches)
(Attorney Hawk LeMont is in pilot Cliff Tuggs’ bunk, tugging on his arm…)
LeMont: C’mon, man. I finished the last of Tony’s stash. You guys gotta cook up some more. I’m hurtin’ over here.
Tuggs: Sorry, Hawk. I’m out the game, dude.
LeMont: But I need it!
Tuggs: You need a cold shower and a long nap. That’s what you need. Besides, you were our only customer. It wasn’t economically feasible in the long run.
LeMont: (slumps into bunk below Tuggs) What if I knew of a way for you guys to sell as much crack as you can muster?
Tuggs: …go on.
(On the bridge, Capt. Riggs is standing behind Sgt. Tyrone Jones as he pilots the ship…)
Jones: Did you send out that distress signal on the emergency line like Lt. Gary asked, Captain?
Riggs: (rubs upper lip covered in bits of bloody tissue) Sure did, Tyrone. Laid down some sweet tracks. We should be hearin’ something real soon…from IMF studio executives.
Jones: What are you talking about?
Riggs: (holds nose) Hoo-wee! You stink, Tyrone. When’s the last time you took a bath?
Jones: Well, I’ve been piloting this ship non-stop for the last month or so, since we’ve been on the run from the IMF. So…about a month?
Riggs: You’ve been sitting here for a whole month?
Jones: (nods) Why do you think I got this pee bucket? (kicks nearby bucket of urine)
Riggs: (shrugs) Thought you were just eclectic. Go take a shower at once. That is a Captain’s command!
Jones: Who’s gonna fly the ship?
Riggs: This hunk of junk doesn’t have auto-pilot?
Jones: (shakes head) Found that out the hard way
(Cliff Tuggs comes running up to the Sgt….)
Tuggs: Tyrone, can I talk to you about that emergency line?
Riggs: Why, Cliff here can fly the ship. You’re a pilot, aren’t you Cliff?
Tuggs: Yes, sir. But I’m more used to fighter jets. I’ve never flown a ship this big.
Riggs: Piece of cake. Take the wheels while Ty here gets all that stinky stank off.
Tuggs: Yes, sir.
(Jones rushes off to the pilots’ locker room in the hangar bay…)
Riggs: (hollering after him) And don’t forget to scrub behind your ears, ya stinky poop! (smiles down at Cliff) Can you pop a wheelie in this thing?
Tuggs: No, sir.
(On the Imperial One, outside the King’s private quarters…)
Wang: (jiggling doorknob) Dad, your door’s all screwed up.
Chi: I believe it is locked, sir.
Wang: Is my sister still in there?
Chi: No, sir.
Wang: Probably off being hot somewhere.
Chi: (uncomfortably) Yes, sir. Perhaps the King just wishes to be alone.
Wang: Welp, we’re jimmyin’ this puppy. Get me a screwdriver.
Chi: (sighs) Yes, sir.
(In the galley of the CSS Moxie, pilot Tony Cole leads Ray Kwong back into the walk-in freezer where he’s greeted by an elaborate setup of pipes, tubing, beakers and other accoutrement…)
Kwong: What the heck is all this?
Cole: Your new crack-cookin’ setup. We can cook twenty times as much now. Cliff came up with an ingenious plan for new business. We’re gonna be sellin’ right back to our enemies.
Kwong: But I thought we were done. How’d you set all this up in here without me knowing?
Cole: I drugged you. Knocked you out for a couple days.
Kwong: You what?!
Cole: Also, you better start cooking dinner; ’cause everyone is very hungry and angry at you.
(In Lt. Gary’s private quarters, Capt. Riggs sits down on her bed while she clips her nails…)
Gary: So I got a response from that distress signal you sent out, Captain.
Riggs: (eyes light up) Oh yeah?
Gary: Yeah. It said if you can have a five-track EP ready by next Monday they might be able to get a deal in place.
Riggs: (pumps fist) Yes! The big time!
Gary: Captain, I’m beginning to think you aren’t taking this revolution very seriously.
Riggs: Hey, I hate the Imperial Master Force just as much as the next guy.
Gary: This communique was from a Brandon Woolery at IMF Records.
Riggs: Well, it’s not like the rebels have a record label.
Gary: Bob, the whole point of this was to take down the evil empire and start fresh.
Riggs: And that’s why I hired you as my #2, Grace. You’re good at all that stuff; leadership and revolutions and talking…good. I just like to goof off and have fun. Everyone knows you’re the real Captain. I respect you, Grace. I wouldn’t wanna be led by anyone else. You’re my rock.
Gary: Then how about we switch. You be Lieutenant, I’ll be Captain. Officially.
Riggs: (chortles) And give up the private Captain’s lavatory? I don’t think so.
Gary: You have a private restroom? I have to share the men’s locker room.
(Outside the King’s quarters aboard the Imperial One, Chi finally gets the locked door loose and he and Lord Wang tumble into the expansive room…)
Wang: See? Just had to jiggle it a little.
Chi: Oh my God.
(King Hawaialekahi Wang is lying motionless in his chair by the large bay windows…)
Wang: He’s just dozin’. Lazy bag of bones. Wake up, pops. (shakes King) Pops? Pops?? POPS!
(The Lord’s sister Ling, Gen. Liang and the King’s doctor enter the room and collectively gasp…)
Ling: Lung, what have you done?
Wang: I didn’t do nothin’. I just got here!
Doctor: (checks pulse) He’s dead.
Wang: Yeah thanks, Einstein.
Ling: Oh my God, Lung. You killed our father!
Ling: (glowers) You just couldn’t wait to become King. So you had to take his life. Father warned me of your machinations. Which is why he named me his successor in case of any mysterious deaths.
Wang: What! How can you be King? You’re a girl!
Chi: I believe she’d be a Queen, sir.
Wang: Shut up, Chi. This is not the time. I didn’t kill dad, sis. You gotta believe me.
Ling: With my first act as Queen, I banish you, my brother, from the Kingdom of Wangoria. You are to leave this ship at once.
Wang: (pulls his sister close) C’mon, baby. What about all the good times we had together.
(Queen Wang pushes her brother away and Gen. Liang steps in between the siblings…)
Ling: And if you touch me again, I’m sending the full force of the IMF Army after you.
Wang: (thrusts a finger at his sister) You’ll pay for this, sis. I will have that throne, if it’s the last thing I do.
Ling: General, turn this ship around. We’re heading back to Wangoria.
General: Yes, your majesty.
(Chi follows briskly as Lord Wang heads toward the hangar bay…)
Wang: Stock a ship with as much snacks as you can carry, Chi.
Chi: What are you planning, sir?
Wang: (eyes narrow) We’re gonna raise an army. And I know just the man to lead my troops into battle.
(Meanwhile on the bridge of the CSS Moxie, Capt. Riggs puts a hand on an uncomfortable Cliff Tuggs’ shoulder…)
Riggs: Do a loop-de-loop.