Spaceships! – Episode 109
The Confederate Space Alliance (CSA) crew of the CSS Moxie are on the run from the Imperial Master Force (IMF) through the deep recesses of space…
Episode 109 – Shame
(In the dungeon basement of the Imperial One, King Wang’s doctor wheeling him into a small room with his son, Lord Wang. A man in just his skivvies is chained to a table while a large hulking guard looks on…)
Wang: Dad, what are we doing down here.
King: Well son, since you so impetuously dodged my orders and now have us on some sort of blind goose chase across the stretches of space; I’ve decided to show you what being a real leader is like. You do want to be King someday, don’t you?
Wang: Yes, daddy. Very much.
King: Well sometimes son, Kings must do bad things. Ugly things. Terrible things.
(The guard pulls off the chained man’s skivvies and forces him over the table…)
Wang: Uh, dad? Why is that man taking his underwear off?
King: Edgars here is the pilot of this ship. He ignored a direct order from his King. Now he must pay.
(The guard heats a long metal pole on a nearby pyre…)
Wang: But I was the one who ignored your order! And what about Gen. Liang? He told the pilot to fly the ship.
King: You are my son. And the General is necessary. This man is not necessary.
Wang: But he’s the pilot! Who’s flying the ship?
King: His co-pilot.
Edgars: He’s really very good.
Wang: Shut up, Edgars. You’re not helping.
Edgars: Sorry, Lord Wang.
Wang: Whoa, no! Don’t begin! Where is that pole going? WHERE IS THAT POLE GOING?
King: In his butt. Duh.
(On a corner corridor of the CSS Moxie, Ray Kwong and Cliff Tuggs are once again selling crack…)
Tuggs: Space crack! Get your space crack!
Kwong: ‘Space crack’? You got a new recipe? I thought this was just regular crack.
Tuggs: It is. But Lt. Gary said somethin’ the other day about how the Imperial Master Force’s marketing department would just add ‘space’ onto their products to make them sound more exotic. Thought we could try that with our product.
Kwong: (nods) Very savvy. Now if we could just get more than one customer.
Tuggs: We’re gonna have to wrap up sales for the day. Gotta get to the third level conference room for Inspector Decquely’s trial.
Kwong: You’re really gonna testify that Decquely is the one on the ship selling crack?
Tuggs: It’s either that or shut our business down altogether. What’s it gonna be, Ray: Space crack or poor house?
Kwong: (ponders) Space crack.
LeMont: (wanders by) Say, did you say ‘space crack’?
(In the basement interrogation room, Lt. Grace Gary is meeting with Inspector Hunter Decquely before trial…)
Decquely: I swear to you, Lieutenant; I’m not selling drugs on this ship.
Gary: I’d like to believe you, Hunter; but you’ve got a criminal history. We still haven’t resolved that thing with your partner’s murder.
Decquely: I just…tend to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Gary: Do you have any proof that you haven’t been selling crack?
Decquely: Why do I need proof? Shouldn’t the burden of proof be on the court?
Gary: Well, I’m gonna warn you now. Capt. Riggs tends to run a bit of a kangaroo court. He literally has a stuffed kangaroo next to his gavel. Oh, and he really loves using that gavel.
Decquely: (head sinks into table, groans) I’m screwed.
Gary: Not so fast. I’ll have you know your defense is in very good hands.
Decquely: (eyes light up) You’re going to defend me, Lieutenant?
Gary: Not quite.
(Door whips open and attorney Hawk LeMont slides into the interrogation room in socks…)
LeMont: Space crack!
(Grace and Hunter stare at the cracked-out attorney in curious silence…)
LeMont: (glances at the Lt.) …and by that, I mean we are in space and this trial is about crack.
(In the third level conference room, Capt. Riggs slams a gavel into the large table at the front of the room…)
Riggs: Hear ye! Hear ye! The trial of the Confederate Space Alliance v. Hunter Decquely has come to order. All rise for the right honorable Space Judge Captain Bob Riggs (me). And wave to Jumpy.
(Hunter frowns and turns to Lt. Gary standing behind him. She points at a small stuffed kangaroo sitting next to the Captain’s gavel…)
Riggs: Hunter Decquely, you have been charged with trafficking and distribution of illegal illicit substances in space. An intergalactic felony. How do you plead?
Decquely: Not guilty, your…honor.
LeMont: (leans over) Ooh, you sure about that, buddy?
Decquely: (turns to his defense attorney) Are you kidding me?
Riggs: (bonks Jumpy on head with gavel, giggles) Prosecuting attorney Miguel, call your first witness.
Decquely: Miguel?! He’s the janitor!
Riggs: (cross, points gavel) I will have you know that Miguel de la Puerto Memadre Pelmistizo Ninoloco Gonzalez got his law degree from the University of Planet Phoenix Online and he has been waiting for just this moment to practice his craft. Another outburst like that and you’re gonna get a spanking.
Decquely: A spanking?
Riggs: (taps Jumpy with gavel)
Decquely: Right, kangaroo court.
Riggs: You super excited, Miguel?
Miguel: Sí. The prosecution call Cliff Tuggs; pilot, Confederate Space Alliance.
(Cliff makes his way to the front table and sits down next to Judge Riggs…)
Riggs: You swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but?
Tuggs: I do.
Miguel: Mr. Tuggs, did you see Mr. Decquely sell the drug?
Miguel: The prosecution rest.
Riggs: (throws hands up, runs out of conference room) Recess!
(A half-hour later, Judge Riggs returns to his table covered in sand…)
Riggs: Can’t believe none of you wanted to join me in the sandbox for recess.
Gary: We don’t have a sandbox, sir.
Riggs: (glances down at sand-covered robe) What about a cat?
Gary: I don’t think–
Decquely: Can we just get on with it?
Riggs: Okay, bossy boots. Kangaroo Court! Defense, your turn.
(Hawk LeMont saunters toward Cliff Tuggs, still sitting next to Judge Riggs…)
LeMont: Mr. Tuggs, if that is your real name…
Tuggs: It is.
LeMont: Fair enough. Mr. Tuggs, are you sure you saw my client selling crack cocaine?
Tuggs: (glances at a glaring Hunter Decquely) Um…sort of. It was kinda dark in the locker room.
Riggs: If I may interrupt. Mr Tuggs, if this is about to — in any way — get sexy; I would like you to slow it way down so we can all soak in and enjoy the details.
LeMont: Mr. Tuggs, are you certain that it was not in fact you selling said crack cocaine?
Tuggs: (glances at glowering Hunter Decquely) Um…
LeMont: (drops to knees) C’mon, man! Gimme that crack, man! I know you got that crack! I need it!
Tuggs: (shoots up out of chair) Alright, fine! I admit, it was me! Ray, Tony and I have been cooking and selling crack cocaine on the ship.
Riggs: (gasps, covers Jumpy’s ears)
Tuggs: But we’ve only been selling to Hawk here.
Riggs: (stands up, hands on hips, scowling) Is this true, Hawk?
LeMont: (shakes on floor, scratching wrists)
Riggs: Jumpy and I are very disappointed in you. This Kangaroo Court is closed for business!
Decquely: (rises out of chair) What about sentencing? Shouldn’t Cliff be punished for what he did?
Riggs: Oh yeah, right. Cliff don’t do that again. Drugs are bad news.
Tuggs: Okay, Captain.
Decquely: That’s it? No punishment?
Riggs: (chortles) Well what did you think we were gonna do, Hunter? Stick a hot poker up his butt?
Decquely: (frowns) Well, not that specifically.
(That evening, Capt. Riggs is relaxing in the hangar bay with Tony Cole after a hot shower in the pilots’ locker room…)
Riggs: You missed Kangaroo Court today. I almost had to spank Decquely.
Cole: Damn, Captain. You run a tough ship.
Riggs: Yeah. I don’t fuck around, Tone.
(Hawk passes by and Tony hands him a vial…)
Riggs: Yup, nothin’ goes under my nose. Except maybe a mustache. Ooh, I should grow a mustache!