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Spaceships! – Episode 105

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 05/23/2012

The Confederate Space Alliance crew of the CSS Moxie are on the run from the Imperial Master Force through the deep recesses of space…

Episode 105 – So Simple Then

(Capt. Riggs is staring out the front of the CSS Moxie, chin resting on his fists…)

Riggs:  Remember the good ol’ days, Lieutenant? We all used to work for the IMF and everything was lovely.

Gary:  We were commanded to commit horrible atrocities. We wiped out entire civilizations; blackened planets back into the stone age. That’s why we rebelled. Remember?

Riggs:  (smiles wistfully)  Yeah, times were simpler then.

Jones:  (steering the ship, peering over the Capt. & Lt.)  Y’all mind movin’? I can’t really see where I’m driving.

Riggs:  Remember those push-up ice cream popsicles we used to get when we were kids?

Jones:  Just tryin’ not to hit any asteroids or nothin’.

Riggs:  (snaps fingers)  Space Pops!


(Ship Chef Ray Kwong is busily cleaning up the galley. After finishing up in the kitchen, he enters the walk-in freezer and doesn’t notice fighter pilot Tony Cole enter the galley…)

Cole:  Stupid Captain, talkin’ about Space Pops. Now all I can think about is a dang Space Pop! Maybe we got some Space Pops back up in here.

(Tony accidentally kicks the doorstop holding the walk-in freezer door open and it slams shut behind him…)

Kwong:  (head shoots up from back wall of freezer)  Did that door just shut?

Cole:  Yeah, hold up. Lemme get that, Ray.  (tugs at door handle)  Man, this bitch is stuck tight. Gimme a hand here, Chef.

Kwong:  Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem.

Cole:  Why? You ain’t got no hands?

Kwong:  That door locks from the outside.


Kwong:  …so we’re stuck in here.

Cole:  Motherf–


Riggs:  Fudge! Remember Space Fudge?

Gary:  Wasn’t that just regular fudge?

Riggs:  Yeah, but we’re in space, so…

Gary:  Space Fudge.

Riggs:  Yup.

Gary:  I feel like the IMF marketing department just tacked ‘Space’ onto all its products to sell more crap.

Riggs:  Well, we are in space.

Gary:  …

Riggs:  …aren’t we?

Gary:  We are, sir.

Riggs:  Phew. Thought I was havin’ that dream again where my whole life is a meaningless lie.

Gary:  I have that dream every day.

Riggs:  What’s that, Grace?

Gary:  Uh, I said, “Tell me more about Space Fudge.”

Riggs:  Well, it came in Chocolate, Double Chocolate and Triple Chocolate. Triple Chocolate was my favorite, ’cause it was triple the chocolate.


Cole:  (winces)  Hoo! That’s too chocolatey.

Kwong:  Well, you’re the one who wanted Space Pops.

(Kwong and Cole are sitting against the wall near the locked freezer door…)

Cole:  (tosses Space Pop stick across freezer)  Guess I don’t remember them being that sweet.

Kwong:  Well, people’s tastes change as they get older.

Cole:  I used to eat them shits all the time back on Sky Island.

Kwong:  Yeah, me too.

Cole:  Wait. You from Sky Island?

Kwong:  Yes, Tony.

Cole:  Did you go to Sky Island High?

Kwong:  Yes, Tony. Holy crap, you seriously don’t remember me?

Cole:  (shrugs)  Should I?

Kwong:  We were in the same classes together. You used to pick on me every day. Called me a ‘dweeb’.

Cole:  (chortles)  Yeah, that sounds like me. I was a wild one.

Kwong:  (pouts)

Cole:  But I’m sorry, man. We were kids, I didn’t know any better.

Kwong:  Nah, it wasn’t just you. It was everybody. I mean, I really was a dweeb. You weren’t wrong. I was the only boy in Home Ec.

Cole:  And now look at you. You made something of yourself. Big chef man!

Kwong:  A cook on a lowly supply ship. I only matter now, ’cause we’re the only ship left.

Cole:  And we’d starve without you.  (glances around freezer at remaining food supply)  Well, I guess a lot of this stuff is microwaveable. But still…

Kwong:  (sighs)

Cole:  Hey, you think it wasn’t rough for me on Sky Island? I couldn’t wait to get off that stupid floatin’ city. You lived on the Upper East Side, that’s why people resented you. You were livin’ good. Nice family; a house. I came from the west side projects. Crime; killin’; corrupt cops; prostitution; space cholera outbreaks. Times was tough. So I had to be tough, too; just to maintain.

Kwong:  Okay, I get it. We both had it bad.

Cole:  You know what my dad gave me for my eighth birthday? A pack of cigarettes.

Kwong:  I don’t think that’s true.

Cole:  Nah. But can you imagine?


Riggs:  Space Berry Crunch!

Jones:  Space Mini Wheats!

Riggs:  Space Berry Crunch!

Jones:  Space Mini Wheats!

Gary:  Can you two please stop that?

Riggs:  Grace, how are we going to come to a definitive conclusion as to what’s the best cereal if we don’t discuss the facts?

Gary:  (checks watch)  Ray should have delivered our lunch orders to the bridge an hour ago. Maybe somebody should go check on him.

Jones:  Space Berry Crunch is for babies.

Riggs:  You’re a baby!


(Cole and Kwong are pacing from one end of the freezer to the other…)

Cole:  (shaking wrists)  Really gettin’ cold here, Ray.

Kwong:  Well, it’s a freezer. Just keep moving.

Cole:  Can’t feel my toes.

Kwong:  With all the snacks this ship puts away; you think somebody would’ve found us by now.

Cole:  So what is it you do in here all the time? Every time I come down here, you in this freezer.

Kwong:  (sighs)  Well, we’re probably gonna die anyway. Promise not to tell anybody in case we survive?

Cole:  (raises two fingers)  Space Scout’s honor.

(Ray Kwong lifts a tarp off a table at the back of the freezer…)

Cole:  Holy smokes.

Kwong:  It’s an ice sculpture of the ship. I’ve been working on it on my off-hours since I got the job. Just a hobby.

Cole:  (leans in close)  You got everybody in here. There’s the Captain, the Lieutenant and the Sergeant on the bridge. There’s you in the galley. Hey, there’s me and Tuggs in the cargo bay!

Kwong:  Now you probably think I’m an even bigger dweeb than before.

Cole:  Actually, this shit’s pretty cool. I thought you might have had a body back here.

Kwong:  Nope. That was in the stew I served for dinner last week.

Cole:  (guffaws)  You know, Ray. This might just be the hypothermia setting in, but you a good dude. Too bad we’re gonna die in this freezer before everybody can see this masterpiece.

Kwong:  There is one way we could warm up.

Cole:  Eat all the frozen Hot Pockets?


(Fighter pilot Cliff Tuggs moseys into the galley, bobbing his head to his headphones…)

Tuggs:  Stupid Captain, had to bring up Space Pops.  (tugs on freezer handle)  Man, this shit’s on tight.

(Tuggs finally cracks the freezer door open to reveal Cole and Kwong laying on the ground sharing one jumpsuit…)

Tuggs:  (toothpick drops out of mouth)

Kwong:  For warmth! It was for warmth!

Cole:  Please don’t tell Capt. Riggs.

(Capt. Riggs enters the freezer, mouth agape…)

Riggs:  Oh my God.

Kwong:  Too late.

Riggs:  (steps over the jumpsuited men)  Is that an ice sculpture of the ship? Oh my gosh, look at me! I’m so little!

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