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Three Assholes – Episode 307

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/23/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 307 – POW

(The three assholes, two gunrunners and Keith’s dad are being held in a dark interrogation room in Ft. Northrop…)

Keith:  Are they gonna kill us? ‘Cause that would really suck.

Mike:  The Army doesn’t kill people.

Nate:  (glances over at his childhood friend)

Mike:  Well…you know what I mean.

Keith:  I wonder what happened to those guys from, what did you call it? The Little East?

Mike:  The Middle East. How have you not heard of this? Didn’t you just tell me this morning you watch the news?

Keith:  I watch Drought Watch 2012. Ooh, I wonder if there’s still a drought. Just thinkin’ about it makes me thirsty.

(Maj. Glenn Early and two soldiers enter the room and stand across from the six men shackled to the table in the center of the room…)

Early:  So which one of you wants to tell me what’s going on here?

Keith:  (tries to raise shackled hand)  Can I have a glass of water?

Early:  Son, you can have a pool of water if you tell me what you’re doing with those two Arab fellas in the next room.

Keith:  Cool! You guys have a pool?

Early:  (sighs)  I’m hopin’ he ain’t the leader of this gang.  (points at Mike)  Is it you, fat boy?

Mike:  (frowns)  I’m not fat. I mean, I’ve gotten a little chubby; but that’s just from the stress.

Early:  Where do you get off impersonating an American soldier?

Keith:  He really was a soldier.  (turns to Mike)  But he turned yella.

Early:  Where did you serve, son?

Mike:  I fought in Afghanistan for a bit with Jimmy here.

Early:  And you both went AWOL?

Mike:  (nods)  I don’t know if you’re aware of this, sir; but war is really scary.

Early:  War is not scary, son. War is Hell!

Keith:  Yeah, but isn’t Hell really scary?

Early:  You shut up, boy. I’m not talkin’ to you.  (turning back to Mike)  So you run away from your countrymen. And now you’re back in your country, fighting against your country?

Jimmy:  Major, this was going to be a simple business transaction. We sell the tanks to the Yemenis, they fly them back to Yemen and use them against other Yemenis. Not a single American gets hurt.

Early:  What about all the American men and women who are going into battle with eight less tanks?

Keith:  Can’t you just make more?

Early:  Do you have any idea how much one US Army tank costs to produce?

Keith:  Well, we were gonna get a cool mill for eight. So…one million divided by eight…(counts on fingers)…$25,000 each?

Nate:  (shakes head)

Early:  Those M1 Abrams cost over $6 million a pop. My boy, you are one sorry businessman.

Keith:  Hey, don’t look at me. That’s Jimmy and G-Biscuit’s department.  (glares down table)  Way to go, G-Biscuit.

G-Biscuit:  (scowls)  Ay, man.

Early:  They way I look at it, you’re all facing treason charges. That’s life imprisonment with no chance of parole.

Keith:  (pouts)  Aw.

Nate:  What about this, Major? Those Yemeni gentlemen you’ve got in the other room? They’re just middle men. The big guys are flying into Glenburn Airfield tonight. You let us go ahead with this deal and you can foil the biggest terrorist plot ever perpetrated in this state, in return for a lighter sentence.

Early:  (strokes chin)  That does sound pretty good. And you are both soldiers. Cowardly ones, but soldiers nonetheless. What do you think, boys? You ready to serve your country one more time?

Mike:  (shrugs)  Guess we don’t really have a choice.

Early:  That’s the spirit.

(The soldiers uncuff their captives. A young soldier rushes into the interrogation room…)

Soldier:  Sir, there’s a Sheriff Schwartzcroft at the gate with some ATF agents. Says he has a warrant for the three younger gentlemen and the ATF has one for the two gunrunners.

Chuck:  (claps hands)  Well, guess I’m off scot-free. I’ll come visit you boys in federal prison.

Keith:  Thanks, pops.

Early:  Sit down, old timer. I’m not lettin’ some small-town cop screw up the biggest bust this fort’s ever seen.

Keith:  (chortles)  This fort must have never seen Nate’s mom!

Nate:  Dude, my mom’s dead.

Keith:  Yeah, but she had big boobs.

Early:  We’re gonna have to sneak you boys and eight tanks out of here without that cracker cop noticing.

Keith:  (raises hand, cuff-free this time)  I’ve got an idea. Just gotta make a couple phone calls.

Early:  (turning to one of his soldiers)  Get the idiot a phone.

Keith:  (eyes narrow)  And I believe I was promised a pool?


(Sheriff Schwartzcroft, his officer and the ATF agents are parked outside Ft. Northrop…)

Schwartzcroft:  (squints)  It’s quiet. Too quiet.

(Suddenly dozens of cars come up the road and the entire citizenry of the Chickadee Trailer Park and staff of Diva’s Gentlemen’s Club begin lining the road around the fort’s front gate…)

Schwartzcroft:  What’s going on here? What’s the meaning of this?

(Trixie, a local stripper…)

Trixie:  You didn’t hear, Sheriff? The Army’s putting on a parade!

Schwartzcroft:  A parade? For what?

Trixie:  (shrugs)  …America?

(The gates open and an Army jeep with a Lieutenant waving an American flag is followed by Army trucks filled with waving troops and eight Army tanks…)

Trixie:  Whoo! America!

(Keith peeks his head up out of his tank and giggles as he watches Sheriff Schwartzcroft storm through the gate. The Sheriff finds Major Early’s office where he’s scribbling in a notepad…)

Schwartzcroft:  Odd time for a parade, Major.

Early:  Quite the contrary, Sheriff. I think it’s a wonderful day for a parade.

Schwartzcroft:  Cut the crap, Major. Where are you holding my men?

Early:  What men?

Schwartzcroft:  The assholes; Miner, Shoops and Kowalski. They drove here in that forest ranger truck.

Early:  What truck?

Schwartzcroft:  (points at truck outside window)  That truck right there.

Early:  I don’t see a truck.

(The Sheriff storms back out the gate and glares down the road at the trailer park residents and strippers following the line of Army vehicles…)

Schwartzcroft:  Son, call for backup. We’ve got a parade to catch.

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