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Three Assholes – Episode 305

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/17/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 305 – Fred & Vinnie

(Mike, Nate, Keith and Chuck are trudging down Route 1 back toward Veazie, after totaling Keith’s dad Chuck’s DeLorean and Mike’s Army buddy Jimmy’s gunrunning truck…)

Mike:  Jimmy and G-Biscuit are gonna kill us for wreckin’ their truck.

Nate:  At least they made their last shipment before you crashed it, so they didn’t lose any merchandise.

Mike:  Guess I’ll break the bad news.  (dials Jimmy)

Keith:  (hangs up Mike’s cell)  Not so fast, Mikey. Let’s just steal him another truck.

Nate:  Keith, I thought we were done stealing cars.

Keith:  We are. This is a truck.

Mike:  He’s got a point, Nate.

Nate:  It’s the middle of the day. We’ll get caught.

Keith:  Not where we’re going.

Chuck:  Where’s that, buddy?

Keith:  The woods.


(Keith, Mike, Nate and Chuck enter the Penobscot Woods…)

Chuck:  This is a good idea, son. I need to stop by the cabin for more beers anyway.

Nate:  Where are we going to find a truck to steal in the middle of the woods?

Keith:  There’s these two idiot forest rangers that get high and drive their truck around all day like they think they’re such big-shots. It’ll be a piece of cake.

Mike:  After we get this truck and get it back to Jimmy and G-Biscuit, I think I’m gonna ask them to leave. It’s just been too stressful having black market arms dealers crashing in my trailer.

Chuck:  Now hold on just a second there, Mikey. Why can’t we make a little bit of profit off these guys before you ship ’em out?

Mike:  Mr. Kowalski, I may have committed some stupid crimes in my days–

Nate:  Like stealing a truck from a forest ranger.

Keith:  Two forest rangers.

Mike:  –but I’m not about to start gunrunning.

Chuck:  All we’d have to do is steal the guns. They’d handle all the selling.

Mike:  And where would we get our hands on enough guns for a black market arms dealer?

Chuck:  You’ve still got some Army connects. Head up to Fort Northrop and work your magic.

Keith:  Not a bad idea, pops.

Chuck:  Thanks, son.

Mike:  Let’s just focus on the task at hand for now.

Keith:  I know a guy at Toys-R-Us who could get us some Super Soakers.


(Forest Rangers Fred Cassaventes and Vinnie Pastiliarno are toking and staring at a rabbit in the bushes in front of their truck…)

Fred:  Bet you can’t shoot that bunny.

Vinnie:  I don’t wanna shoot that bunny.

Fred:  (holds out hand)  Toldja. Pay up, bro.

Vinnie:  Dang.  (pays Fred five dollars)

Fred:  (checks dash clock)  Let’s get back to HQ and play some RuneScape.

(Mike comes around the side of the truck with his shirt pulled up over his nose and points his .22 at Fred’s head…)

Mike:  Not so fast, gentlemen. That game of RuneScape is going to have to wait.

Keith:  (shirt pulled up over nose, grabs three rifles from back of truck and hands them to Nate and Chuck)  What’s RuneScape?

Vinnie:  (hands up)  It’s a multimedia online role-playing game.

Keith:  Ooh, kinky.

Fred:  (hands up)  Whatever you guys want; take it. We don’t have any money; but we’ve got weed.

Keith:  We don’t need weed. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve sold you guys weed.

Vinnie:  (glances over shoulder)  Keith? Is that you?

Keith:  (lowers shirt)  Hey, Vinnie.

Fred:  Hey, Keith.

Keith:  Hey, Fred.

Mike:  Kinda ruining the anonymity of this robbery here, Keith.

Vinnie:  And you must be Mike. Keith’s told us a lot about you. You used to live in that cabin a couple miles from here.

Mike:  (lowers shirt)  Yeah. And I appreciate you guys steering clear of there while I was going through my anti-government phase.

Fred:  No problem. Although I’ll admit we did sneak over a couple times to borrow from your weed patch out back.

Mike:  I figured as much.

Chuck:  Whoa hey, nobody ever told me I had a weed patch out back!

Fred:  (looks back, frowns)  Oh yeah, you’re the old guy who likes to walk around the woods naked.

Keith:  Ew. Dad!

Chuck:  Hey, now there’s nothin’ more natural than the human body.

Nate:  There is a lot more natural than that.

Fred:  Yeah, you’ve scared away a lot of picnicking families.

Vinnie:  Now that we’re all friends, would you guys mind lowering the guns?

Mike:  (lowers pistol)  Sure. But we are gonna need to take this truck.

Fred:  Fine by us. The State can always pay for a new one.

Mike:  Great!

Nate:  Wow, that was easy.

Vinnie:  You mind droppin’ us off at HQ?

Mike:  No problem, fellas. Hop in. You comin’ Chuck?

(The assholes and rangers turn to see Chuck Kowalski standing stark naked, holding a rifle…)

Chuck:  Now look, fellas. What’s so unnatural about this?


(Back at Chickadee Trailer Park, the three assholes pull up in the forest ranger truck, greeted by an awaiting Jimmy and G-Biscuit…)

Jimmy:  Where have you guys been? Where’s my truck?

Mike:  We had a slight mishap with the truck.

Keith:  Crashed it into my time machine.

Nate:  Just a DeLorean.

Mike:  But look, we got you a nice replacement.

Jimmy:  (gives the truck a once-over)  It’s alright, I guess. But it’s just a pickup truck. How are we gonna smuggle guns without people noticing?

Keith:  Just slap a tarp over ’em.

Jimmy:  Ya got me there.

Mike:  Listen, Jimmy. I’ve got a plan for a bigger score than you’ve ever seen. The catch is, after this sale you guys have to move out. The stress from living with black market weapons dealers is just becoming too much for me.

Jimmy:  I’m listening. What’s the score?

Mike:  We’re gonna steal a tank.

Jimmy:  (eyes light up)  Michael, my man. You’ve got yourself a deal.

(From across the street in an unmarked van, Sheriff Norman Schwartzcroft and another Veazie police officer are listening to the conversation with a directional microphone…)

Officer:  Sounds like we’ve got ’em, sir.

Schwartzcroft:  Yes, it seems like Veazie is about to get rid of the three assholes for good.

Officer:  You wanna play some RuneScape, sir?

Schwartzcroft:  (boots up laptop)  Yes I do, son. Yes I do.

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