Three Assholes – Episode 304
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 304 – Lighten Up
(Nate Shoops is awoken by a ray of sunlight in his eyes. He looks around groggily at the small room with wooden l0g walls, gets up and makes his way to the front porch. Keith’s dad, Chuck, is enjoying a beer and the expansiveness of the Penobscot Woods…)
Chuck: Morning, Nate. Breakfast beer?
Nate: No thanks, Mr. Kowalski. I should probably start looking for a new job and a place to live.
Chuck: Nonsense, son. You live here now. We’re gonna have a helluva time. And who needs jobs? Look at me. I’m doing fine!
Nate: Didn’t you lose your West Virginia coal mine, your entire life savings and your mansion?
Chuck: And my dirty whore wife. Don’t forget her.
Nate: And you’re fine?
Chuck: Couldn’t be better, buddy. You know, I’ve been reading Mike’s anti-government manifesto he left here when he was on the run from the Army and the kid makes some mighty fine points.
Nate: I find that highly doubtful.
Chuck: For instance: taxes? Unnecessary!
Nate: You should really pay your taxes, Mr. Kowalski.
Chuck: (waves his hand) Nah. (holds out beer can with a grin)
Nate: (hesitates, relents) Maybe just one.
Chuck: (slaps Nate on the back) Atta boy!
(In Chickadee Trailer Park, Mike and Keith are sitting glumly on the front stoop of Mike’s trailer; while Mike’s old Army buddy Jimmy and his business partner G-Biscuit make an illegal gun deal with a group of burly men in hunting jackets…)
Mike: I miss Nate.
Keith: Yeah, it seems like the good times are truly gone. Eh, Mike?
Mike: Maybe we really are bad friends.
Keith: No, it’s not us. We’re great. It’s him. He gave us an ultimatum. Friends don’t give friends ultimatums.
Mike: It was out of his control. His boss forced him to stop hangin’ out with us.
Keith: And we went and got him fired. Problem solved!
Mike: But he didn’t wanna lose his job, Keith. He got kicked out of his apartment and now we don’t know where he is. Maybe we should’ve thought about his feelings for a change.
Keith: (waves hand) Nah. (holds out beer can with a grin)
Mike: (hesitates, relents) Maybe just five.
Keith: (slaps Mike on the back) Atta boy!
Jimmy: Can you guys help us load these bazookas onto the truck?
Keith: Who hunts with bazookas?
Mike: Shoot. Now I want gum again.
(Back in the woods…)
Chuck: (swigging beer) You should give those guys a break, Nate. They really love you, ya know.
Nate: (sipping second beer) They got me fired, Chuck.
Chuck: Out of love!
Nate: Still fired.
Chuck: You boys have been palling around together since the second grade. I can’t remember a time when you weren’t all attached at the hip.
Nate: Well at some point you’ve gotta grow up, Chuck.
Chuck: Ha, ‘upchuck’. (swigs beer)
(Back in the trailer park…)
Mike: I say we go look for Nate right now, apologize for what we did and help him find a new job and a place to live.
Keith: Apologize! For what, friendship?
Mike: Keith, we got the man fired and kicked out of his home. He’s out there somewhere right now, lost in the world.
Keith: I’m not apologizing for nothin’. All I did was something any friend would do. Does the wind apologize for blowing?
Mike: Not sure what you’re going for there, bud.
Keith: I’m sorry.
Chuck: Let’s just get in my DeLorean right now, drive to Chickadee Trailer Park and apologize to those boys.
Nate: Wait, why am I apologizing?
Chuck: To be honest, I’ve kinda lost track of who’s to blame here.
Nate: They’re to blame. They got me fired and kicked out of my apartment.
Chuck: Great. So let’s just get in my DeLorean, drive to Chickadee Trailer Park and make them apologize.
Nate: Wait, I thought you gave Keith your DeLorean.
Chuck: I stole it back. Turns out it is a long walk out of these woods.
(The trailer park…)
Mike: Let’s just get in Jimmy’s gun truck, drive around until we find Nate and apologize.
Keith: Fine. But you do the talking.
Mike: You’re seriously not gonna say you’re sorry. You’re going to risk a friendship over one word?
Keith: I’m too proud, dammit!
Mike: You’re not wearing pants.
Keith: (looks down) Yeah? Well…you’re not wearing pants.
(Nate is driving Chuck’s DeLorean down Rte. 1, as Chuck cracks open another beer…)
Chuck: Really think you’re being very mature about all this, Nate. Proud of ya, buddy.
Nate: Thanks, Chuck. (points up the road) Hey, isn’t that Jimmy’s truck?
Chuck: (juicy belch)
(Mike is driving Jimmy’s gun truck in the opposite direction up Rte. 1, with Keith in the passenger seat…)
Mike: Really think we’re doing the mature adult thing here, Keith. Apologizing and winning our friend back.
Keith: (smiles faintly) Yeah. (squints up the road) Holy shit. There’s the motherfucker who stole my DeLorean!
(Keith grabs the wheel from Mike and steers into the opposite lane…)
Mike: Keith, nooooo!
(The three assholes and Chuck climb out of the wreckage, surprisingly unscathed…)
Keith: Nate! You stole my DeLorean?
Chuck: (cracking open another beer) No that was me, buddy. Needed it out in the woods by myself. Looks like you totaled her there, bud.
Keith: You already lost everything else in life. What’s one more time machine?
Chuck: (shrugs, swigs) Ya got me there, son.
Nate: What are you guys doing out here anyway?
Mike: Looking for you, Nate. We’re sorry, man.
Mike: We took your friendship for granted. We just missed you so much. We were afraid we were gonna lose you.
Nate: You’ll never lose me, guys. You’re the only friends I’ve got. I’m never gonna let another job get in the way of our friendship. What you did was stupid. But I guess it’s okay for people to do stupid things if they’re doing them for a friend.
(The three assholes hug as the smoldering wreckage billows behind them. A siren sounds in the distance…)
Chuck: We better get out of here, boys. Those cops are gonna have a lot of questions.
Keith: Yeah. Like, “How did an illegal gunrunning truck crash into a time machine? Was it a time traveling accident? Did the scientist not get his coordinates right?
(Mike, Nate, Keith and Chuck walk down the side of Route 1, drinking the rest of Chuck’s beers…)
Nate: For the last time, Keith. That DeLorean was not a time machine.
Keith: Are you calling Michael J. Fox a liar? He’s got AIDS, Nate!
Nate: He doesn’t have AIDS.
Keith: Well…he’s got somethin’.
(Mike throws his arms around Nate and Keith’s shoulders, guffawing…)
Mike: He sure does, Keith. He sure does.