Three Assholes – Episode 303
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 303 – Pass The Pink Slip
(Mike stares out the window of his trailer at his old Army buddy Jimmy Hendricks and his business partner G-Biscuit shaking hands with a skeevy old priest…)
Mike: This does not look good.
Keith: (on the couch, playing Dreamcast) I miss Nate. It’s such bullshit that his smokin’ hot boss made him stop hanging out with us.
Mike: (still staring out the window) He’s just taking care of himself, Keith. I don’t blame him. It’s probably for the best, anyway; because we are getting into some grimy shit.
Keith: Look, Mikey. If you don’t want black market arms dealers living with you, just politely ask them to leave.
Mike: Are you kidding me? They have a truck full of gun–guys! Hey, guys!
(Jimmy and G-Biscuit re-enter the trailer…)
Jimmy: Hey, Michael. Didn’t know you guys were up.
Keith: (scowling) We’re up.
(G-Biscuit sits down on the couch next to Keith…)
G-Biscuit: (nods) ‘Sup.
Keith: You know who would be able to help you fix your…situation, Mike? Nate.
Mike: (ponders, nods) You’re right. We gotta get Nate fired.
(Nate arrives in the Veazie Dam control room at 8:02 AM and sets his bag down next to his Indian coworker, Yasham…)
Nate: Morning, Yasham.
Yasham: Morning, Nathan.
Cynthia: Morning, Mr. Shoops.
(Nate jumps and turns to find the new dam supervisor — Cynthia Jacketts — standing in the corner of the control room with a notepad…)
Nate: Oh, Ms. Jacketts. I didn’t see you there…in the corner.
Cynthia: (jotting in notepad) Two minutes late.
Nate: Sorry. My car wouldn’t start for some reason this morning.
Cynthia: (jotting) Makes lame excuse about car not starting.
Nate: Are you gonna make a note every time I’m two minutes late?
Cynthia: (jotting) Questioning my authority.
Nate: (sits down) Alright, I’ll just shut up now.
Cynthia: (jotting) Dressed shabbily.
(Mike, Keith, Jimmy and G-Biscuit have parked Jimmy’s weapons truck in the woods on the east side of the river, facing the dam…)
Mike: Alright. We need to think of a clever way to get our friend fired with him still wanting to be our friend afterwards.
Keith: (rubs hands together) Sounds good, let’s blow this mother up.
Jimmy: I got some stuff in the back.
Keith: Great. Let’s get this ball rolling. G-Biscuit, you come with me and help scout a good location for the bomb.
Jimmy: C4 good with you?
Keith: C4 is great with me.
Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s all just slow the heck down. Keith, for the last time we’re not blowing up the dam.
Keith: (whining) But it’s such a vulnerable target!
Mike: It’s really beginning to worry me how many times you keep repeating that.
Keith: (shrugs) I’m just saying it’s a vulnerable target.
Mike: No bombs!
Jimmy: Probably for the best. I gotta sell some C4 to that Boy Scout commander tomorrow.
Mike: You’re selling explosives to the Boy Scouts now?
Keith: The Boy Scouts have changed, Mikey.
Jimmy: Yeah, they’re a lot more militant than they used to be.
Mike: And I’m sorry to get us off-topic; but did I see you selling guns to a priest this morning?
Jimmy: Well, technically he’s been excommunicated.
Keith: Ooh, tough break.
Mike: Okay. As worrisome as all this is, let’s get back on focus. I think I’ve got a great plan to get Nate fired.
Keith: (smiling with lit firework in the back of the truck) Way ahead of ya, buddy.
(Nate is busily manning the dam controls when Cynthia storms into the control room…)
Cynthia: Do I look like an idiot?
Nate: (spinning around in chair) Uh…no ma’am–miss! I said miss.
Cynthia: I just got a call from an Agent Steve Petrarski with the FBI saying there’s been a terrorist threat made against this dam.
Nate: Oh my goodness, that sounds serious.
Cynthia: Yeah. Thing is this “Agent Petrarski” sounded suspiciously like that idiot friend of yours who ran in here with a lit firework last week.
Cynthia: I thought I told you to cut off all connections with those degenerates. If this was some stupid convoluted way of getting out of work–
Nate: Ms. Jacketts, I swear I haven’t spoken to them since we talked. I don’t wanna get out of work. I like work.
Cynthia: (sighs) Well, I guess I can let it slide this once. But I better not get another call like that.
Nate: Yes ma’a–miss. You have my word.
Cynthia: Back to work.
(Cynthia shuts the door and Nate furiously dials Keith on his cellphone…)
(In Cynthia Jacketts’ office…)
Mike: See? When she sits down, she’ll sit in Nate’s lunch and he’ll be to blame!
Keith: Mike, that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.
Jimmy: Yeah that’s pretty disappointing, Michael.
G-Biscuit: (shaking his head) Word.
Mike: But she’ll get her pants dirty! Keith, how did you get her out of the office, anyway?
Keith: (smiles proudly) Called in a bomb threat using my trusty “Steve Petrarski” alias.
Mike: Are you kidding me? Nobody has ever bought that alias.
Keith: I don’t see her around. Do you?
(Keith’s phone rings…)
Keith: It’s Nate! (answers) Hey, buddy! (pulls phone away from ear) He’s yelling a lot.
Mike: (grabs phone) Hey Nate, it’s Mike…Yeah. I know, buddy. I’m really sorry about that. Keith’s an idiot.
Mike: Well, yeah…Yeah. I know, Nate…I said I’m sorry. We were just goofin’. So hey, you wanna do something this–
Cynthia: What the fuck.
(Cynthia is standing in the doorway as Mike, Keith, Jimmy and G-Biscuit huddle behind her desk…)
Mike: Whoops, gotta go. (hangs up)
(Cynthia scowls at the intruders and they all stand in silence for a moment…)
(Mike, Keith, Jimmy, G-Biscuit and Nate exit the Veazie Dam offices; Nate carrying a box of his belongings…)
Cynthia: And stay out! (slams door)
Keith: Jeez, she’s got a ‘tude.
Nate: (heading toward the bus stop) Well, gotta go tell my landlord I won’t be able to pay the rent this month.
Mike: You want us to give you a ride in Jimmy’s truck?
Jimmy: Yeah, c’mon Nathan. Just gotta move some AK’s out of the way.
Nate: No, I think I’m just gonna walk. Clear my head.
Keith: (drapes an arm around Nate) I’m sorry, buddy. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go down.
Nate: (pulling away from Keith) You mean you guys planned this?
Mike: We just missed you, bud. And when your new boss forced you to stop hanging out with us–
Nate: So you got me fired. And you thought we were just gonna go back to being buds after something like that?
Mike: Come with us, Nate. Let’s mix up some Black Sunshine and forget about all this.
Nate: Nah. I need some time to myself, guys. I need to think some things through.
(Nate trudges down the road and Mike and Keith look after him forlornly…)
Keith: (glancing back at the dam) Jimmy, you still got that C4?