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Three Assholes – Episode 303

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 04/09/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 303 – Pass The Pink Slip

(Mike stares out the window of his trailer at his old Army buddy Jimmy Hendricks and his business partner G-Biscuit shaking hands with a skeevy old priest…)

Mike:  This does not look good.

Keith:  (on the couch, playing Dreamcast)  I miss Nate. It’s such bullshit that his smokin’ hot boss made him stop hanging out with us.

Mike:  (still staring out the window)  He’s just taking care of himself, Keith. I don’t blame him. It’s probably for the best, anyway; because we are getting into some grimy shit.

Keith:  Look, Mikey. If you don’t want black market arms dealers living with you, just politely ask them to leave.

Mike:  Are you kidding me? They have a truck full of gun–guys! Hey, guys!

(Jimmy and G-Biscuit re-enter the trailer…)

Jimmy:  Hey, Michael. Didn’t know you guys were up.

Keith:  (scowling)  We’re up.

(G-Biscuit sits down on the couch next to Keith…)

G-Biscuit:  (nods)  ‘Sup.

Keith:  You know who would be able to help you fix your…situation, Mike? Nate.

Mike:  (ponders, nods)  You’re right. We gotta get Nate fired.


(Nate arrives in the Veazie Dam control room at 8:02 AM and sets his bag down next to his Indian coworker, Yasham…)

Nate:  Morning, Yasham.

Yasham:  Morning, Nathan.

Cynthia:  Morning, Mr. Shoops.

(Nate jumps and turns to find the new dam supervisor — Cynthia Jacketts — standing in the corner of the control room with a notepad…)

Nate:  Oh, Ms. Jacketts. I didn’t see you there…in the corner.

Cynthia:  (jotting in notepad)  Two minutes late.

Nate:  Sorry. My car wouldn’t start for some reason this morning.

Cynthia:  (jotting)  Makes lame excuse about car not starting.

Nate:  Are you gonna make a note every time I’m two minutes late?

Cynthia:  (jotting)  Questioning my authority.

Nate:  (sits down)  Alright, I’ll just shut up now.

Cynthia:  (jotting)  Dressed shabbily.

Nate:  (frowns)


(Mike, Keith, Jimmy and G-Biscuit have parked Jimmy’s weapons truck in the woods on the east side of the river, facing the dam…)

Mike:  Alright. We need to think of a clever way to get our friend fired with him still wanting to be our friend afterwards.

Keith:  (rubs hands together)  Sounds good, let’s blow this mother up.

Jimmy:  I got some stuff in the back.

Keith:  Great. Let’s get this ball rolling.  G-Biscuit, you come with me and help scout a good location for the bomb.

G-Biscuit:  Cool.

Jimmy:  C4 good with you?

Keith:  C4 is great with me.

Mike:  Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s all just slow the heck down. Keith, for the last time we’re not blowing up the dam.

Keith:  (whining)  But it’s such a vulnerable target!

Mike:  It’s really beginning to worry me how many times you keep repeating that.

Keith:  (shrugs)  I’m just saying it’s a vulnerable target.

Mike:  No bombs!

Jimmy:  Probably for the best. I gotta sell some C4 to that Boy Scout commander tomorrow.

Mike:  You’re selling explosives to the Boy Scouts now?

Keith:  The Boy Scouts have changed, Mikey.

Jimmy:  Yeah, they’re a lot more militant than they used to be.

Mike:  And I’m sorry to get us off-topic; but did I see you selling guns to a priest this morning?

Jimmy:  Well, technically he’s been excommunicated.

Keith:  Ooh, tough break.

Mike:  Okay. As worrisome as all this is, let’s get back on focus. I think I’ve got a great plan to get Nate fired.

Keith:  (smiling with lit firework in the back of the truck)  Way ahead of ya, buddy.


(Nate is busily manning the dam controls when Cynthia storms into the control room…)

Cynthia:  Do I look like an idiot?

Nate:  (spinning around in chair)  Uh…no ma’am–miss! I said miss.

Cynthia:  I just got a call from an Agent Steve Petrarski with the FBI saying there’s been a terrorist threat made against this dam.

Nate:  Oh my goodness, that sounds serious.

Cynthia:  Yeah. Thing is this “Agent Petrarski” sounded suspiciously like that idiot friend of yours who ran in here with a lit firework last week.

Nate:  Oh.

Cynthia:  I thought I told you to cut off all connections with those degenerates. If this was some stupid convoluted way of getting out of work–

Nate:  Ms. Jacketts, I swear I haven’t spoken to them since we talked. I don’t wanna get out of work. I like work.

Cynthia:  (sighs)  Well, I guess I can let it slide this once. But I better not get another call like that.

Nate:  Yes ma’a–miss. You have my word.

Cynthia:  Back to work.

(Cynthia shuts the door and Nate furiously dials Keith on his cellphone…)


(In Cynthia Jacketts’ office…)

Mike:  See? When she sits down, she’ll sit in Nate’s lunch and he’ll be to blame!

Keith:  Mike, that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.

Jimmy:  Yeah that’s pretty disappointing, Michael.

G-Biscuit:  (shaking his head)  Word.

Mike:  But she’ll get her pants dirty! Keith, how did you get her out of the office, anyway?

Keith:  (smiles proudly)  Called in a bomb threat using my trusty “Steve Petrarski” alias.

Mike:  Are you kidding me? Nobody has ever bought that alias.

Keith:  I don’t see her around. Do you?

(Keith’s phone rings…)

Keith:  It’s Nate!  (answers)  Hey, buddy!  (pulls phone away from ear)  He’s yelling a lot.

Mike:  (grabs phone)  Hey Nate, it’s Mike…Yeah. I know, buddy. I’m really sorry about that. Keith’s an idiot.

Keith:  (pouts)

Mike:  Well, yeah…Yeah. I know, Nate…I said I’m sorry. We were just goofin’. So hey, you wanna do something this–

Cynthia:  What the fuck.

(Cynthia is standing in the doorway as Mike, Keith, Jimmy and G-Biscuit huddle behind her desk…)

Mike:  Whoops, gotta go.  (hangs up)

(Cynthia scowls at the intruders and they all stand in silence for a moment…)

Keith:  Uh…hehe…surprise?


(Mike, Keith, Jimmy, G-Biscuit and Nate exit the Veazie Dam offices; Nate carrying a box of his belongings…)

Cynthia:  And stay out!  (slams door)

Keith:  Jeez, she’s got a ‘tude.

Nate:  (heading toward the bus stop)  Well, gotta go tell my landlord I won’t be able to pay the rent this month.

Mike:  You want us to give you a ride in Jimmy’s truck?

Jimmy:  Yeah, c’mon Nathan. Just gotta move some AK’s out of the way.

Nate:  No, I think I’m just gonna walk. Clear my head.

Keith:  (drapes an arm around Nate)  I’m sorry, buddy. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go down.

Nate:  (pulling away from Keith)  You mean you guys planned this?

Mike:  We just missed you, bud. And when your new boss forced you to stop hanging out with us–

Nate:  So you got me fired. And you thought we were just gonna go back to being buds after something like that?

Keith:  Well…ideally.

Mike:  Come with us, Nate. Let’s mix up some Black Sunshine and forget about all this.

Nate:  Nah. I need some time to myself, guys. I need to think some things through.

(Nate trudges down the road and Mike and Keith look after him forlornly…)

Keith:  (glancing back at the dam)  Jimmy, you still got that C4?

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