Three Assholes – Episode 302
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 302 –Dam Boss
(Nate Shoops is at his terminal in the Veazie Dam control room with his coworker Yasham Chopravatapadanam…)
Nate: How was your weekend, Yasham?
Yasham: Very good, Nathan. My wife and I took our kids to the park and flew a kite.
Nate: (smiles) That sounds nice.
Yasham: Yes, sir. It was. And how was your weekend?
Nate: My friend threw me a birthday party at his family mansion, where my other friend’s Army buddy made a black market weapons deal with a group of white supremacists.
Yasham: (chuckles) Oh, Mr. Nathan. You always tell wonderful jokes.
Nate: Yeah…jokes. You know Yasham, I gotta admit I’m jealous. You’ve got a beautiful wife, smart kids; you’ve got your life all figured out. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get there.
Yasham: You are still very young, Mr. Nathan. You have plenty of time to figure it out.
(Tommy the biker and dam utilityman enters the control room with a vision of a woman in a sharp dress and glasses with her hair up in a bun…)
Nate: (spinning around in desk chair) Whoa.
Tommy: Pick your jaw up off the floor, Shoops. How’s it goin’, Yasham?
Yasham: (nods) Mr. Thomas.
Tommy: This is your new dam supervisor, Cynthia Jacketts. I’ll let you all get acquainted. I gotta go take a nap.
Cynthia: (shoots Tommy a look)
Tommy: Kidding! Hehe. (winks at Nate as he exits)
Nate: Ms. Jacketts. Is it miss? Are you–?
Cynthia: Yes it’s Ms., Mr. Shoops.
Yasham: Pardon me, but what happened to our previous dam supervisor, Mr. Riley?
Cynthia: Mr. Riley was fired for looking at kiddie porn on the job.
Nate: Ew. (chuckles) Well, I hope we don’t have to worry about that with you, Ms. Jacketts. Heheh.
Cynthia: I do not look at child pornography, Mr. Shoops.
Nate: Right. I wasn’t…I was just–
Cynthia: I understand Mr. Riley pretty much left you to your own devices, am I correct?
Nate: Well I reckon he was keeping pretty busy with the porn.
Cynthia: Enough with the porn, Mr. Shoops.
Nate: Right. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I–
Cynthia: I just thought you both should know that I’ll be running a pretty tight ship here. I’ve worked at several dams across the country, including a college internship at the Hoover Dam.
Nate: Wow, the Hoover Dam. That’s like the Super Bowl of dams.
Cynthia: As I was saying, I will not tolerate any tomfoolery or hijinks under my watch. Do we understand each other?
Yasham: Yes, ma’am.
Nate: Yes, Ms. Jacketts.
Cynthia: Very well. Carry on, gentlemen. (turns to leave)
Nate: Might I add, you look particularly ravishing in comparison to our previous dam supervisor, who was rather unkempt and constantly sweaty. Although it seems now he was concerned with things other than general appearance; particularly child pornography.
Cynthia: Mr. Shoops, I’m putting you on verbal warning. If you cannot improve your behavior in our next encounter, I’ll be forced to add it to your permanent record.
Nate: Yes, ma’am. Miss.
Cynthia: Good day.
(Cynthia Jacketts slams the control room door and Yasham smiles at Nate…)
Yasham: Smooth, bro.
Nate: Shut up, Yasham.
(That afternoon, Mike, Nate and Keith are sitting on the edge of the dam overlooking the Penobscot River, eating lunch…)
Nate: This new boss is terrifying. She’s literally the female personification of pure beauty. Perfect in every conceivable superficial way. But holy crap, she hates me.
Mike: Sucks, bro. (chomps chips)
Keith: Sounds like a real bitch. (chomps submarine samich)
Nate: You know, sometimes you guys are absolutely no help at all.
Mike: So Jimmy and G-Biscuit made another illegal arms deal this morning. Grenades.
(The door behind the assholes opens and Cynthia Jacketts steps out onto the dam…)
Cynthia: Mr. Shoops, what are you doing?
Nate: (turns around) Uh, eating lunch?
Cynthia: On the edge of the dam. And who are these men?
Nate: My friends.
Keith: (whispering to Mike) She called us men.
Cynthia: My office. Now.
(Nate follows Cynthia toward the door glumly…)
Cynthia: You two get off this dam. You’re trespassing.
Keith: (pouts) Fine. (jumps into river)
(In Cynthia Jacketts’ office…)
Cynthia: Mr. Shoops, I’m looking at your file here.
Nate: I have a file?
Cynthia: Mr. Riley kept a surprisingly sophisticated filing system on all dam employees.
Nate: (guffaws) When he wasn’t cranking it to little boys.
Cynthia: It says here you were incarcerated a year ago…for shooting a man in a Freeport gay bar.
Nate: Yeah. But he was my friend, so…it’s all good. Also, I’m totally not gay.
Cynthia: That doesn’t concern me.
Cynthia: What does concern me is the company you keep.
Cynthia: You like working at the Veazie Dam, Mr. Shoops?
Nate: Yeah. It’s how I pay the rent. Nobody else would hire me with my criminal record. Otherwise, I’d be in the trailer park with Mike and Keith.
Cynthia: Then it seems you have a choice to make. Get fired and move to the squalor of the trailer park or cut off all connections to your degenerate friends and keep your job and comfortable apartment.
Nate: I can’t hang out with them at all? Not even on the weekends?
Cynthia: Your problem is one of character, Mr. Shoops. If you distance yourself from bad influences, it will be a step in the right direction. Who knows? You may even be sitting in this seat someday.
Nate: (peering over desk) Wow. That does look like a comfortable chair.
(The office door opens and Keith walks in, dripping wet and holding an unlit firework…)
Keith: There you are, Nate. I’ve been looking all over. Take a smoke break up on the roof so we can shoot these fireworks off.
(Nate stares at Keith, turns to Cynthia and back to Keith…)
Nate: (head down) I’m sorry, Keith. But I can’t hang out with you guys anymore.
(Nate looks up to see Keith holding a lit firework…)
Keith: So that’s a no?