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Three Assholes – Episode 215

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/27/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 215 – Bringing Down The Town

(The prison guards turn down the lights for the night in B block of Charleston Correctional Facility. Prisoner Raymond Jennings leans over and knocks on the Rust Brothers’ cell bars…)

Raymond:  Rust, you gonna finish your story or what?

Mack:  (clapping)  Yay, story!

Billy:  (grabs Mack’s hands)  Sure thing, old man. Where did I leave off?

Raymond:  Those three assholes were disguising themselves to sneak back into your block party.

Billy:  Right, right.

Raymond:  So what were you up to that warranted killing a police officer?

Billy:  Well for that, we’re gonna have to go back to that morning.

Mack:  Can I make the flashback noises, Billy?

Billy:  Sure, brother. Why not?

Mack:  Whoosh whoosh whoosh, flashback!


Billy:  While Mike, Nate and Keith were rummaging around in the old train conductor’s car for their stupid time capsule, I was meeting with Officer Clint George on the other side of the train yard…

George:  (scratching the back of his neck)  I dunno, Billy. Weed is one thing, but oxy? Is there even a market for that in this town?

Billy:  There will be after tonight. Mack and I are dosing the punch at our trailer park block party. By the end of the night, every citizen in Veazie will be a bona fide dope addict.

George:  How do you know it’s gonna work?

Billy:  Because we’ve done this six times already in six shithole towns across the United States. We ingratiate ourselves into the community; Mack here gets a janitorial position at a local pharmacy; we take them for all the oxy they got; dose the town and feed their addiction ’til work production comes to a standstill and the town’s economy collapses.

George:  That sounds just plain evil.

Billy:  Sure, we’re basically leaving dead towns in our wake; but we make a whole helluva lotta money while we’re doing it. And we’ve chosen you to be a part of that.

George:  I’m just a dope-dealin’ cop, Billy. I can’t be responsible for tearing this town apart. This is my home.

Billy:  (shrugs)  Then you leave me no choice, Clint.

(Billy pulls out his revolver and blasts Officer George in the chest. The officer drops to the mud-soaked ground and the Rust Brothers turn to leave…)

Mack:  Is he sleeping, Billy?

Billy:  (patting his brother on the back)  Yeah he’s sleeping, Mack.


(That evening, Mike, Nate and Keith have broken into an off-season Halloween Town costume warehouse…)

Keith:  (racing up and down the aisles)  Ooh, we could be werewolves!

Nate:  No, Keith. It’s gotta be something believable. Just a wig and a change of clothes. We wanna look like regular people at a party; not monsters.

Keith:  (pouts)  Party pooper.

(Mike comes out of the back with three wigs…)

Mike:  Here we go; The Beatles. Nate, you can be Paul. I’ll be George. Keith, you’re Ringo.

Keith:  (sulks)  Aww, I don’t wanna be Ringo! Can’t I be John?

Mike:  They were all out of Johns.

Nate:  Yeah, everybody wants to be John.

Keith:  What about The Monkees? I like monkeys.

Mike:  No Monkees.

Keith:  Ooh ooh ah!


Billy:  By the time The Beatles showed up, the party was in full swing and the whole town of Veazie was drinking our patented Rust Brothers Oxycontin Punch…

Oliver:  (pointing)  Hey look, everyone! It’s Mike, Nate and Keith in Beatles wigs!

Keith:  Oh goddammit, Oliver!

Mike:  Oliver, you really are the worst human being who ever lived.

Oliver:  (sad)

Nate:  (removes wig)  I don’t see Mack or Billy. Let’s try to figure out what their plan is.

Keith:  They’re probably gonna blow up the Veazie Dam and flood the town. We’ll be like Venice! So fancy!

Nate:  Keith, you always think somebody’s going to blow up the dam.

Keith:  It’s just a very vulnerable target.

Mike:  Well, they’re drug dealers; so I imagine their plan has something to do with drugs. And Officer George was involved somehow; caught wind of their true machinations. Maybe they wanted him to sell their drugs?

Nate:  Clint was already selling weed. Maybe they wanted him to start selling something harder.

Keith:  (chortles)  “Harder”.

Veaziean #1:  Wow, this punch is really good.

Veaziean #2:  Yeah, this is some of the best punch I’ve ever tasted.

(Mike, Nate and Keith glance at each other and Keith gasps…)

Keith:  Oh my God, they wanted Clint to sell fruit punch!

(Mike feels a gun barrel pressed against the small of his back…)

Billy:  Close, but no cigar. Let’s take a little walk, shall we?

(The Rust Brothers lead the three assholes behind their trailer at the rear of the park…)

Billy:  You just had to keep poking your noses in our business.

Mike:  Whatever you’re doing, Billy; it stops here.

Billy:  It’s already begun, Miner. In fact, it’s already too late.

Nate:  What did you do, Billy?

Billy:  (grins)  Well, we’re gonna kill you anyway; so I might as well spill the beans. We’re gonna get this whole town addicted to oxy and then deal it to them ’til Veazie becomes a junkie ghost town.

Mike:  Wow. That’s just….really evil.

Nate:  Yeah, that’s like Cruella de Vil-evil.

Billy:  Yeah, I’m pretty proud of it.

(Keith clutches the time capsule to his chest…)

Keith:  You monsters!

Billy:  (scoffs)  What do you care? You assholes lie; steal; hell, you burned the school down once.

Keith:  Allegedly.

Billy:  What do you care if this town dies?

Keith:  ‘Cause it’s our town. We can do what we want with it; ’cause we were born here. It’s our birthright. Sure we cuss and fib and steal the occasional candy bar here and there.

Billy:  And, like, a ton of cars and televisions and stuff.

Keith:  But we still love this town. We know everyone here and they know us. They might not love us; but they know us. And if anyone’s gonna destroy Veazie, it’s gonna be us.

Billy:  (shrugs)  Too late.

(Billy fires a shot at Keith’s chest and he rockets backwards. Mike draws from his back pocket; but before he can return fire, another shot rings out. Billy’s eyes bulge as he collapses to the ground. Mike and Nate look up as Minnie steps over the fallen drug dealer…)

Mike:  Minnie! I knew you’d come for me!

Minnie:  I didn’t come for you, Mikey. I came for all of them out there. Billy left a voice mail bragging about his evil plan. He really actually told a lot of people. Kinda dumb.

(Keith gets up, holding the bullet-dented time capsule…)

Keith:  Phew! Saved by the past.

Nate:  What’d we put in there, anyway? Kevlar?

(Keith opens the metal box and takes out a brick…)

Keith:  Oh, this was our decoy time capsule!

Mike:  Well, let’s get these Rust Brothers over to Capt. Sanders and–ah, crap.

(Minnie, Mike, Nate and Keith turn to see Mack Rust running off with his brother Billy slung over his shoulder…)

Nate:  (hands on his best friends’ shoulders)  That’s alright, fellas. I have a feeling karma will catch up with them soon enough. Now let’s go have a couple cups of oxy-punch and relax.

Keith:  (pulls on monkey mask)  Hey hey, we’re The Monkees! Ooh ooh ah ah!


(Raymond leans against his cell wall, listening…)

Raymond:  That it? Wow, so many questions. How’d you survive the gunshot to the back? How’d you only get five to ten for killing a cop? How’d that Halloween Town manage to foolishly under-order on John Lennon wigs? What era were those wigs, anyway? British Invasion-era Beatles? Rishikesh-era Beatles?…Rust?…Rust, you there?

(Raymond holds out a mirror and glances into the neighboring cell which is now empty, save for a hole near the back wall…)

Raymond:  Uh oh, Spaghettios!

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