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Three Assholes – Episode 214

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/23/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 214 – Lawless

(In Charleston Correctional Facility, Billy and Mack Rust are talking with an older inmate in the neighboring cell…)

Raymond:  So what brings you boys to Charleston?

Billy:  It’s a funny story, actually.

Mack:  Can I tell it, Billy?

Billy:  (smirking)  We’ve only got five to ten, brother.


Billy:  It all started a week ago in a shitty little country town called Veazie…

Keith:  Well, I’m soaked.

Mike:  It’s been raining for three straight days. I told you to wear one of my Army ponchos.

Keith:  Real men don’t wear coats.

Mike:  It’s not a coat; it’s a poncho.

Keith:  Ponchos are the dresses of coats.

Mike:  What?

Nate:  Quiet, you two. Keep looking, I know it’s around here somewhere.

(Mike, Nate and Keith are rummaging through an old abandoned conductor’s car in the fields outside the long-dead Veazie Train Yard…)

Keith:  God, our old childhood clubhouse. I haven’t been here in years.

Mike:  Yup. Lotta great memories in this old train car. I got my first handie here.

Nate:  Gross.

Keith:  Say word.

Mike:  Word. Seventh grade. Becky Holzman.

Keith:  Oh gosh, Becky Holzman. What a filthy whore she was.

Mike:  (smiling wistfully)  Yeah.

Keith:  Shame about the heroin overdose.

Mike:  Well, what are ya gonna do?

Keith:  Not heroin.

Nate:  Found it!

(Nate holds up an old rusted metal box hidden under one of the control panels…)

Keith:  (snatches the box)  Wow! Our old time capsule. This takes me back.

Mike:  (jumping and clapping)  Open it! Open it!

(Keith is about to lift the lid when the three are shaken by a gunshot ringing out from across the field. They duck down and peer out the window of the train car to see Billy Rust — gun in hand — standing over a man, as Mack Rust looks on…)

Keith:  Holy crap, the Rust Brothers just killed someone.

Mike:  (eyes narrow)  I knew that Billy was no good. You know, beyond the stealing my girlfriend and selling Oxycontin.

Nate:  Quick! Let’s get him!

Mike:  (pats pockets)  I’m not packin’.

Keith:  Wish we’d put a gun in this time capsule.

(The boys wait for the Rust Brothers to leave, then rush out into the rain and across the field to the fallen man — Veazie Police Officer Clint George…)

George:  (spitting up blood)  Hey, fellas.

Nate:  Clint!

George:  Knew I forgot my dang vest this morning.

Keith:  Does it hurt terribly, Clint?

George:  Yes it does, Kowalski. You dumb Polack.

Keith:  (shaking head)  Always with the Polish.

George:  Somebody’s gotta stop those Rust Brothers before they take this whole dang town down with them.

Nate:  What are they planning to do, Clint?

George:  (labored breathing)  They’re gonna have a big block party. The biggest party this town’s ever seen. And then they’re gonna.  (coughs, sputters blood)  They’re gonna…

(Officer George’s eyes go blank and Mike shuts his lids…)

Mike:  (reaching into his back pocket, pulling out a small pistol)  Oh hey, turns out I was packing.


Billy:  I had put the residents of Chickadee Trailer Park to work, preparing for the biggest blowout party ever…

Keith:  What the heck are those darn Rust Brothers planning?

Mike:  Whatever it is, it’s no good if they had to kill a cop over it.

Keith:  Oh my God, they killed a cop?!

Mike:  Keith, in the old train yard. We were literally just there.

Keith:  Oh, right right.

Nate:  We’ve gotta stop him. Whatever it takes.

Billy:  Stop who?

(The three spin around to see Billy Rust smiling back at them…)

Keith:  Oh hey, Billy. Got a little shindig planned?

Billy:  Yeah, about that. This is a party for the whole town. All the new friends I’ve made in the year me and my brother have been living in this shithole. So I was hoping you guys–

Keith:  Of course, we’d love to.

Billy:  –could not show up tonight. Just be somewhere else entirely.

Keith:  Of course, we’d love to…not attend. We were actually planning on being somewhere else tonight, anyway. A cooler party, over in Dedham.

Billy:  Uh huh, great. Thanks a lot, guys. Oh hey, Mike. Minnie will be here tonight. Gonna get her drunk and patch things up. Probably give it to her really good, long into the morning. You know what I’m saying?

Mike:  (glowers)

Keith:  He’s saying he’s gonna have wild sex with your ex-girlfriend, Mikey.

Mike:  Yeah. I heard him, Keith. C’mon guys, let’s get outta here.

Billy:  (grinning)  That’s the spirit.  (hollering after them)  And don’t come back now, ya hear?  (cackles)

Mike:  (muttering)  Asshole.

Keith:  Where are we going, Mike? To tool up?

Mike:  I got a plan. We’re going to Diva’s.

Keith:  Sweet! I pick-pocketed some ones off Billy when he was yapping at you.


(Back in Charleston Correctional Facility, in the present day…)

Raymond:  This is a fantastic and interesting story so far, Rust. There’s just one thing eatin’ at me.

Billy:  What’s that, old man?

Raymond:  How do you know what those…assholes, as you call them, are saying in the parts where you weren’t around?

Mack:  Yeah, I was thinkin’ that too.

Billy:  No you weren’t, Mack. To be honest with ya, Raymond; I’m just winging it. But they’re pretty predictable, so I imagine what they were actually saying was pretty close to the words I’m putting in their mouths. Now are you gonna let me keep goin’, or what?

Raymond:  (glances around cell)  Well, I got nothin’ better to do.


Billy:  So the three assholes headed to Diva’s Gentlemen’s Club to speak with mine and Mike’s stripper ex-girlfriend, Minnie…

Mike:  What do you mean you’re moving to Bar Harbor?

Minnie:  I’m tired of dancing for peanuts in this rinky-dink town, Mikey. I want some of that chump tourist cash for a change. And I’m serious about the peanuts. Last week, Roscoe payed us all in unsalted shelled nuts.

Nate:  That sounds highly illegal.

Keith:  And highly delicious.

Mike:  Listen, Minnie. Me and the boys, we’re working to make this town better. And the first step is to get rid of the Rust Brothers before they do something really, really bad.

Keith:  Yeah, like kill another cop.

Nate:  Keith!

Minnie:  They killed a cop?!

Keith:  Well, just Billy.  (leans in, whispers)  Between you and me, I think Mack might be mentally challenged.

Minnie:  I think you might be mentally challenged.

Keith:  Zing.

Minnie:  Mikey, you wanna send me back to a killer?

Mike:  Here, take my gun. You’ll be fine. Just get close, pop him in the back of the head and take the next bus to the coast.

Minnie:  Why can’t you do it?

Keith:  (pouts)  We’re not invited.

Minnie:  So just wear disguises.

Keith:  Well of course we’re gonna wear disguises! But it would make it a lot easier for everyone if you just shot Billy in the head.

Minnie:  I’m not shooting anyone. Goodbye, Mikey.

(Minnie hugs Mike, collects her last check and a small bag of peanuts and heads for the bus stop…)

Mike:  (sighs)  There goes the girl of my dreams.

Nate:  So disguises it is, then.

Keith:  (thrusts a finger in the air)  To the wig store! But first, one last lap dance for the road?


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