Three Assholes – Episode 213
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 213 – Abednego
Keith: (thumbing through the brochure) Makes sense to me.
Mike: (nodding enthusiastically) It’s called the House of Abednego. Howard says if we give away all our worldly possessions and abstain from sex, drugs and shaving; we’ll be one with God and be on the path to true salvation.
Keith: I wasn’t getting laid anyway. And I’ve always wondered what I’d look like with a big bushy beard.
Nate: I dunno, you guys. This sorta sounds like a cult.
Mike: (scratches beard) It’s not a cult. It’s just a new organized religious movement that gains followers based on mind control and threats of bodily harm.
Nate: That’s a cult.
Keith: (shrugs) I got nothin’ better goin’ on. Am I still allowed to join even if I don’t have any worldly possessions?
Mike: Sure! The more the merrier. We’re meeting at the house in Glenburn this weekend. I can’t wait for you to meet Howard and all his beautiful wives.
Keith: Wives? Plural? Now I’m definitely in.
Mike: Oh no, only Howard can have wives. Bylaws of the House of Abednego.
Keith: Well that’s not very fair.
Mike: It’s not like you were getting married anyway.
Mike: So you in, Nate?
Nate: (hesitates) I’ll go. But just to keep an eye on you two; make sure you don’t lose your marbles.
Keith: (throwing arms around his two best friends) We are gonna look so cool in our beards, you guys!
Howard: Like Daniel from the den of lions or Jonah from the belly of the beast, you have come forth from the pits of hell to be absolved of all sin and cleansed upon the eye of God. The House of Abednego welcomes you into the fold, my brothers, my sons, my gentle lambs.
(A be-robed Howard Stubblefield places his hands on the foreheads of a heavily-bearded Nate and a pube-stached Keith. Mike and the rest of Howard’s followers look on happily in white robes…)
Howard: (patting Nate’s beard) An admirable growth of facial hair is a glory unto God.
Keith: How did you grow all that in a week?
Nate: Ate a steady diet of beard-growing foods.
Keith: There are beard-growing foods?
Nate: Sure. Dates, plantains, jerky, clams…
Keith: (self-consciously rubbing his pube-stache, eyes welling up) I tried the best I could!
Howard: (taking Keith in his arms) You are not a failure in the eyes of your lord, my son. But for now, wear this. (hands Keith a fake beard)
Howard: Brother Michael will show you to your quarters. We will meet back here for the evening group prayer circle. Now if my wives will join me in the main house, we have some…private prayer meetings to attend to.
(Mike, Nate and Keith head toward the followers’ cottages on the outskirts of the field…)
Keith: “Private prayer meetings”, what does that mean? Orgy?
Mike: No, it means they’re going to pray. I wish you guys wouldn’t be so cynical all the time.
Nate: And I wish you wouldn’t be so naive, Mike. Can’t you see this for what it really is?
Mike: It’s a collection of like-minded individuals on the quest for spiritual enlightenment. That’s all I see, Nate.
Keith: I see a bunch of dudes with sweet beards, who let that one dude bang all their wives. (tugs at fake beard) And I ain’t complainin’!
(The three enter their cottage and place their bags down on three small cots…)
Keith: (pulling out a joint and lighting it) Alright, let’s get this party started.
(Keith takes a hit and passes to Nate. Mike grabs the joint and stomps it out…)
Mike: I thought I was clear, Keith. No drugs. No alcohol. No sex. This is a pure house. A house of God.
Keith: Oh, I thought that was more of a suggestion than a steadfast rule.
Nate: (smirking, arms folded) Still wanna stay here, Keith? Or should I go warm the car up?
Keith: Well, it might get a little hairy for a bit; but let’s stick it out, see what this place is offering.
Mike: (putting a hand on Keith’s shoulder) I’m proud of you, brother.
Keith: (smiling weakly) Yeah, me too. (pointing at floor joint) Think I could just finish that one, though?
(That evening, a sweaty Howard is surrounded by his wives and followers as they all kneel before him, chanting…)
Followers: Ohmmmm, Howard is good. Ohmmmm, Howard is good.
(Keith, Nate and Mike straggle in late…)
Keith: Hey, what’s going on in this prayer circle?
Mike: Sorry we’re late, Howard. I was just showing my brothers the grounds.
Keith: (smiling at the wives) You girls look a little tired. Pretty exhaustive “private prayer meetings”, huh? Huh?
(The wives look down and Howard approaches Nate and Keith, as Mike takes his place in the circle…)
Howard: They are not permitted to speak to you until you are accepted into our fold. Tell me, what brings you to the House of Abednego?
Nate: Well, I’m just here to make sure you aren’t taking advantage of my friends.
Howard: Sacrilege! And what of you, unbearded one?
Keith: Why do you have to keep bringing that up? No, I’m just here to get into some freaky hippie orgy-type situations like what you got goin’ on in that big house over there.
Howard: (cross) There are no carnal relations in the House of Abednego! This is a place of worship. Of pureness. You two have besmirched the good name of Abednego!
Keith: Hard name to besmirch.
Howard: But being good friends of Brother Michael, I will allow you a second chance. Kneel before me and give praise to the one true god.
Keith: Okay. And who’s that?
Mike: Him, you guys.
Nate: You want us to get on our knees and praise you?
Howard: You will not?!
Keith: I dunno. Sounds kinda gay.
Howard: Guards! Escort these heathens to the fiery furnace!
Keith: Whoa hey, what?
Mike: (rising from the circle) Howard please, you can’t do this. Let me speak with them.
Howard: You have spoken out of turn, Brother Michael. Guards, take him as well.
(Three guards are escorting Mike, Nate and Keith toward the house…)
Keith: Fine mess you’ve gotten us into this time, Brother Michael.
Mike: I’m not the one who wouldn’t praise Howard.
Keith: I’m not getting on my knees for some goober in a dress.
Mike: It’s a robe!
(In the fiery furnace…)
Keith: This isn’t so bad.
Mike: Yeah, it’s not so much a blazing fiery hellish furnace as it is a really hot closet.
Nate: (scratches beard) This is so stupid.
Keith: (reaching in his pocket) Here, chew this Cool Breeze mint gum. It makes the inside of a fiery furnace of hellfire feel like a cool morning breeze over fresh spring dew.
Mike: (chewing) Hey, you’re right!
Nate: So c’mon, Mike; level with us. Why are you really here?
Mike: (sighs) Howard has taken Minnie as one of his wives.
Nate: I thought I noticed a couple strippers out there.
Mike: Yeah, he’s got half of Diva’s Gentlemen’s Club out here. I’ve been biding my time for the right moment to get her out of here.
Nate: This is ridiculous. Let’s just get out of this hot closet, grab Minnie and go home.
Mike: Are you kidding? You saw how heavily-armed those guards were.
(Keith opens the closet door to an empty hallway…)
Mike: Huh. Well I’ll be.
(The three assholes make their way to the living room, where Howard Stubblefield is under a pile of writhing naked women…)
Howard: Glory be to the grace of God!
Keith: Oh sweet, private prayer meeting! Told you guys. (begins to disrobe)
Mike: (stops Keith) Howard, we’re leaving. C’mon, Minnie.
Minnie: (pulls robe back on) K, Mikey.
Howard: No one escapes the House of Abednego! Guards, seize them! Where are my guards?
Minnie: They left when the private prayer meeting started. Said you weren’t paying them enough.
Howard: Heathens! You’re all heathens!
(Dixie, a fellow stripper/coworker of Minnie’s, puts her robe back on…)
Dixie: I’m kinda not in the mood anymore. Sorry, Howard. Can I get a ride back home with you fellas?
Nate: Sure. Let’s get outta here.
Mike: (putting an arm around his ex-girlfriend Minnie) Maybe we could take this prayer meeting back to the trailer park.
Minnie: (pondering) Mm, no.
Mike: Fair enough.
(Nate, Mike and the strippers exit the House of Abednego and Keith holds the door, gazing back into the emptying living room…)
Keith: Oh, and Howard?
Howard: (looking up hopefully) Yes, my son?
Keith: I’m keeping the beard.