Three Assholes – Episode 212
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 212 – American History Keith
(Keith is strutting down the road in a new pair of Saucony sneakers, happily singing a little ditty…)
Keith: Got my new Sauconys/Ain’t no baloney/Lookin’ super fly in my brand new…Sauconys!
(Keith stops in his tracks, his foot stuck on something and looks down. Lifting up his right foot a string of chewing gum stretches from his shoe back down to the ground. Dropping to his knees, fists clenched in rage, Keith screams up toward the heavens…)
(Back at Nate’s apartment, Mike is buzz-cutting Keith’s hair…)
Keith: Somebody’s gotta do something about the littering in this town. It’s gotten out of hand! A man can’t walk down the street in his brand-new sneakers without being victimized by godless litterbugs.
Nate: Still not certain how you got the gum in your hair, though.
Keith: When is this society going to begin caring for the environment…and sneakers?
Mike: (smirking) Hey, are those new sneakers?
Keith: A decent man can’t even step out of his home without being certain he won’t return home that evening with gum all over his shoes, hair and back.
Nate: I mean, did you roll in it after you stepped in it?
Keith: I have half a mind to clean up this town.
(Mike spins Keith around and he stares into the mirror, rubbing his freshly-shaved head…)
Mike: There. I think it came out pretty good.
Keith: (sulks) Well, at least the gum’s gone.
Nate: You look like a chemo patient.
(Keith is on the side of the road, picking up litter and singing a little ditty…)
Keith: Pickin’ up litter/’Cause this town’s gone in the shitter/When’s somebody gonna do something about the…litter?
Edward: Cool song, man.
(Keith looks up to see a heavily-tattooed man with a shaved head smiling back at him…)
Edward: I really get what you’re trying to say there. Love the message. Someone’s really gotta do something about all the trash in this town.
Keith: Tell me about it. (pointing at Edward’s head) You too, huh?
Edward: (nods, holds out hand) I’m Edward.
Edward: So when did you come over to our side?
Keith: This morning, actually.
Edward: Really? A new convert. What finally pushed you over the edge?
Keith: I stepped in gum.
Edward: (nodding) So a black guy spit his gum out?
Keith: (frowning) Well, I’m not sure about that.
Keith: (pondering) I suppose it’s possible.
Edward: No matter. As long as it led you down the right path.
Keith: Yup, littering sucks.
Edward: Listen Keith, some friends of mine are holding a rally downtown today to get our message out. Would you like to come with?
Keith: Sure, that sounds like fun. You mind holding this bag of garbage?
Edward: (takes bag) I like your fire, Keith.
Keith: Oh, well I like your tattoos. (stares at swastika tattoo on Edward’s shoulder) What’s that one? A man running?
(At the rally downtown, people are angrily protesting and hiss as Keith and Edward pass by…)
Protestor #1: Monsters!
Protestor #2: Hatemongers!
Keith: Jeez, those guys must love trash.
Edward: They are trash.
Keith: (chortles) Ain’t that the truth.
Edward: Listen Keith, I’m gonna go up there and say a few words and then I’d like you to come up and speak with everyone as a brand-new convert.
Keith: Oh…kay. I s’pose I could say a little something.
(From behind the stage, Keith has a hard time hearing the speakers over the din of the protestors. He glances over the assembled crowd of young men and women, all with shaved heads…)
Keith: My God. What are the odds of all these people stepping in gum?
Edward: (on stage) And now I’d like to bring to the stage a man I met on my way here today who is new to our cause. Maybe his youthfully exuberant voice can lend credence to our beliefs and open everyone’s eyes to the problems our society faces. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Keith!
(Keith steps onstage to raucous applause and takes the podium…)
Keith: Thank you. As I look out over this dais, I see that a lot of you have gone through what I have gone through; have experienced what I have experienced; have felt what I have felt. It warms my heart to know I am not alone in this struggle. (applause) After what happened to me this morning, I was transformed. Reborn! (applause) And I realized what all of you already have. I realized what needs to be done; what must be done. It’s time for us to clean up this town! (deafening applause) From the Ali Baba Market to LaVerdiere’s department store, we have to sweep out the trash and start anew. As God is my witness, I shall step in gum no more! (raises fist)
(The crowd applauds Keith as he starts a U-S-A chant. Back at Nate’s apartment, Mike and Nate are watching the live local news broadcast in aghast horror…)
Nate: Who’s gonna tell him?
Mike: Not it!
Nate: Dang it.
(A number of skinheads are drinking at a local pub. Keith is sharing a table with Edward as numerous skinheads come up to buy Keith drinks…)
Edward: Great speech today, Keith. You’re a natural.
Keith: (smiling, rubbing bald head) Well you know, I just spoke from the heart.
Edward: The part at the end with the gum was a confusing allegory, though.
Keith: What’s an allegory?
Edward: Never mind, heckuva speech.
Keith: So when do we get started?
Edward: (grins) I’m glad you asked. You got a gun?
Keith: Um…yeah. (chortles nervously) Don’t you think shooting litterbugs is a bit much, though? Maybe just start with some sort of fining system.
Edward: Keith, are you familiar with the group American Neo-Nazi Front?
Keith: What’s a Nazi?
Edward: (face goes white)
(A skinhead in the back raises a rifle in the air…)
Skinhead: The Race War begins today!
Keith: Did he say ‘Trash War’?
Edward: No, he said ‘Race War’.
(Mike, Nate and Keith are on Nate’s patio, enjoying a few beers…)
Keith: (adjusting wig) So once Edward and I realized it was all one big misunderstanding, we shared a few laughs. He’s actually a really good guy…except for the whole hating the Jews and blacks thing.
Mike: What about the race war?
Keith: Turns out it was just that one guy. Bit of a kook. Everybody else just wanted to relax and have a few drinks.
Nate: Well, at least you learned a valuable lesson about tolerance.
Keith: Nope. I learned not to have a strong opinion about anything ever; because strong opinions lead to race wars.
Mike: What about the litter?
Keith: (smiles, chugs beer, tosses can off patio)