Three Assholes – Episode 211
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 211 – Rien Ne Va Plus
Host: Today on Veazie: Exposed!, we look into the ever-burgeoning car theft industry here in Penobscot County. Is Maine the new Detroit?
Keith: (sitting on Nate’s couch) This is boring. Flip back to that Faith No More reunion concert on VH1.
Nate: Can’t believe the auto theft industry has gotten so bad here.
Mike: Kids these days; they’ve got no morals. Back when we were growing up, we only stole of necessity.
Keith: FNM, bro!
Nate: I bet if we come out of retirement, we could give these new car thieves a run for their money.
Mike: I don’t know, Nate. A lot’s changed in the car thievin’ game since we were coming up in the 90’s.
Keith: C’mon you guys, we’re missing Jon Hudson’s sweet guitar licks right now!
Nate: How about a friendly wager: Whoever steals the best car wins.
Mike: What do we win?
Keith: FNM tix?
Nate: Stop calling them that. No, whoever steals the best car wins this bag of elephant tranquilizer I ganked from the Blue Hill County Fair last summer.
Mike: I’m in.
Keith: Can you guys even imagine how sweet an FNM concert would be on elephant tranquilizers?
Keith: Guys? GUYS?
(Nate is sauntering through Downtown Veazie when he spots his target — Officer Clint George — a corrupt VPD officer who sells weed to high school students in his free time…)
Nate: Hey, Clint.
Clint: (leaning against his squad car, eating a danish) ‘Sup, Nate. You buyin’ or just passin’ through?
Nate: Just passin’ through. What are you selling these days?
Clint: (pulls out bag of purple weed) They call this Parliament Skunkadelic; got it off some hophead on an abandoned pig farm in Eddington.
Nate: Aren’t you supposed to stay within city limits?
(The two men share a laugh…)
Nate: You know what, Clint? You’ve twisted my arm. I think I will have some of that Skunkadelic. Is that all you’ve got?
Clint: There’s another bag in the evidence room. Lemme run inside real quick.
(Nate waits for Officer George to shuffle inside before jumping in the squad car. He reaches into his back pocket for his hot-wiring equipment before noticing the key still in the ignition…)
Nate: (smiles) Oh, Clint.
(Nate starts the engine and takes off. A moment later, Officer George exits the station to find an empty space where his car had been parked…)
Clint: Aw, not again. (emits cloud of Skunkadelic smoke)
(Keith has made his way out to the Penobscot Woods to Mike’s old anti-government recluse cabin, where his father Chuck has been staying. He jiggles the handle of his millionaire father’s DeLorean…)
Keith: C’mon you old bitch, open up.
Chuck: (hollering from inside the cabin) Keith? Is that you?
Keith: Shit. (hollering back) Uh, nope. It’s the repo man. Please remain inside while we repossess your car. Also, throw out the keys.
(Chuck Kowalski steps outside in a wife-beater and briefs, holding a can of beer…)
Chuck: (smiles) Son. I thought that was you. Beer?
Keith: (shoulders slink) Sure, pop.
(The two Kowalskis sit down on the front porch and Chuck cracks open another beer…)
Chuck: So you’re tryin’ to steal my car, huh son?
Keith: (looks down at the wooden porch plats bashfully) Yeah.
Chuck: Well, all you had to do was ask. What’s mine is yours. Besides, I’m gettin’ too old for that silly thing anyway. Think I was going through a midlife crisis when I bought it.
Keith: Don’t be silly, pops. You can’t be going through a midlife crisis. You’re, like, crazy old.
Chuck: Gee, thanks son.
Keith: No problem. So what are you doin’ out here in the woods, anyway? Aren’t you gonna go back to your coal mine in West Virginia?
Chuck: Well actually, the coal mine kinda sorta…caved in.
Chuck: Yeah. Lost a lot of money. So I think I’m here for the near future. And I’m probably gonna have to sell the mansion.
Keith: Ooh, mom’s not gonna like that.
Chuck: (chuckles nervously) No, she is not.
Keith: Can we at least keep Pierre?
Chuck: Who’s Pierre? Your mom’s stupid little yip-dog?
Keith: Pierre’s our butler.
Chuck: Oh, him. Yeah, we’re gonna have to let him go.
Keith: (shaking his head) That poor subservient Frenchman. Welp, I gotta head back to Veazie. Me and the guys are having a car-stealing competition for a bag of elephant tranquilizer.
Chuck: Elephant tranquilizer, eh? Split it fifty-fifty and I’ll tell ’em you stole my car fair and square.
Keith: Deal. But you should probably stay here, though. Don’t think they’ll believe I stole it if you’re in the passenger seat.
Chuck: Good point. Road beer?
Keith: (takes another can, smiles) Thanks, pop.
(At nearby Fort Northrop, Mike has wire-cuttered his way through the fence and is standing in the shadow of something with a wide grin…)
Mike: Hoo baby.
(Back in the parking lot of Nate’s apartment complex, Keith pulls up in his dad’s DeLorean while Nate rests against Officer George’s squad car…)
Keith: (waiting for the door to raise up before stepping out) Cop car, nice. But I did steal a time machine.
Nate: You know there’s no such thing as time machines, right Keith?
Keith: Where the heck is Mike?
(A rumbling vibration rattles the complex’s windows and Keith and Nate are agog to see Mike pull into the parking lot in an Army tank…)
Mike: (pops head up) Tanks, bitches!
Keith: Holy moly.
Nate: That is awesome.
Mike: (hops down off tank) Where my tranquilizers at?
Nate: That is truly impressive, Mike.
Keith: Very well done, bud.
Mike: (bows gallantly) Thank you. Thank you.
Nate: But unfortunately, I’m gonna have to disqualify you.
Mike: What! Why?
Nate: Because this was a car theft competition. And a tank is not a car.
Mike: A tank is better than a car. It’s a fucking tank!
Nate: Still. Not a car.
Keith: Ooh he’s got a point there, Mikey.
Mike: Well, that’s bullshit.
Nate: So I’m afraid it comes down to my squad car and Keith’s DeLorean.
Keith: Time machine.
Nate: Not a time machine. Let’s have a nice democratic vote. All those who think my squad car wins, raise your hands. (raises hand)
(Mike and Keith keep their hands down…)
Nate: Seriously? (sighs) All those who think Keith’s car wins.
(Mike and Keith raise their hands…)
Keith: (pumps fist, holds out hand) Tranquilize me, baby!
Nate: (hands over bag) This sucks. I stole a cop car! From a cop!
Mike: Yeah but Keith stole a time machine, Nate.
Nate: (explodes) THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TIME MACHINES, YOU IDIOTS!
Mike: C’mon, Keith. Let’s travel to the 80’s and get away from this sore loser.
Keith: Okay. Lemme just elephant tranquilizer up a bit right quick. (does entire bag of elephant tranquilizer)
Mike: Careful there, buddy.
Nate: Yeah, that’s a lot even for an elephant.
Keith: (smiles, collapses)
(The next day at EMMC…)
Mike: So how long’s he s’posed to be in this coma?
Nate: Doc said a couple days.
Mike: Bummer. Welp, let’s get out of here.
Nate: Hey Pierre, you ever been in a cop car?
(The former Kowalski family butler shakes his head…)
Mike: (turns to Nate, who shrugs) Sorry buddy, we don’t understand French.