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Three Assholes – Episode 210

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/08/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 210 – Chortling Down The Barrel Of A Gun

(Keith, Mike and Nate are in Dave’s Antique Clocks in Downtown Veazie…)

Keith:  Man, look at all these clocks.

Mike:  Yup, there’s a lot of clocks in this clock store.

Keith:  Kinda makes you think about life. How time keeps slipping by, each day quicker than the last; until before you even realize it — it’s all over.

Nate:  Wow Keith, that’s….really depressing.

Mike:  Why are we in an antique clock store again?

Nate:  Why does this town even have an antique clock store? Nobody in Veazie can even tell time. We’ve been named Most Clock Illiterate Town three years running in Clocks Monthly Magazine.

Mike:  Where do you even find these obscure magazines, Nate?

Nate:  I subscribe to Obscure Magazines Newsletter.

Mike:  Huh. Seems like that should be a magazine.

Keith:  If you must know, Mike; I’m buying a clock for my dad’s birthday. He’s a bit of a clock buff.

Mike:  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Dave:  Oh, there is. There really, really is.

Keith:  You must be Dave.

Dave:  I certainly am. Welcome to my clock store.

Keith:  Thanks. How much is this one?

(Keith sets an ornately-crafted oak cuckoo clock on the counter…)

Dave:  A fine choice. That’s gonna run you about twelve hundred.

Keith:  Perfect. I’ll take it.

Mike:  Twelve hundred…nickels?

Dave:  Twelve hundred dollars. We don’t take nickels.

Nate:  (frowns)  Weird rule.

Mike:  Weird store. Keith, you’re not seriously going to spend $1200 on a clock.

Keith:  Sure I am. It’s for my pops. I’ve been saving up for a year now.

Nate:  Saving what?

Keith:  The money I steal.

Nate:  ‘Course.

Dave:  Listen, I don’t mean to rush you along here; but you fellas are probably gonna wanna go ahead and pay and get out of here. It’s almost noon and when all these clocks simultaneously strike twelve, well, it tends to get a little loud in here.

Keith:  (slapping down $1200 in cash)  Bag it and tag it, pappy!

Dave:  It’s Dave.

Keith:  Right.

(The doors burst open and the Rust Brothers enter; Billy holding a .38 and Mack with a shotgun…)

Billy:  Hold up there, fellas.  (grins)  This is a stickup.

Mack:  (glancing around)  Wow, look at all these clocks.


Dave:  Now fellas, I don’t want any quarrels. I’ve got a lot of really expensive clocks here.

Billy:  (cocking his .38)  Oh yeah? Expensive clocks? Like this one?

(Billy smashes an antique desk clock with the butt of his revolver…)

Dave:  Now c’mon, guys.

Mike:  Billy, why don’t you go ahead and take your brother and get out of here before someone gets hurt.

Billy: If my recollection is correct, the last time we tussled my brother put you in the hospital.

Mike:  That was because you stole my girlfriend. Now that she’s dumped you, I’ve got no beef.

Billy:  (scoffs)  She didn’t dump me; I dumped her.

Mike:  No, she dumped you after you cheated on her with that movie extra.

Billy:  I’ll have you know that movie extra is now a full-fledged stripper and sometime drug mule.

Nate:  Wow. Movin’ up in the world.

Billy:  (points gun at Nate)  Was I talkin’ to you, pencil-neck?

Keith:  Ha. Pencil-neck.

Billy:  (points gun at Keith)  Hand over the money, Kowalski. And why don’t you go ahead and empty that register, Dave?

Keith:  C’mon, man. I’m buying a birthday present for my dad. You really wanna ruin my poor father’s birthday?

Billy:  Isn’t your dad a West Virginia coal-mining millionaire? What’s he need with a stupid expensive clock?

Keith:  It’s the thought that counts.

Billy:  Well think on this.

(Billy fires his .38 at a clock hanging on the far wall and it smashes to the ground…)

Dave:  Oh c’mon, guys. That was a vintage Sebastian Boyero.

Billy:  (points gun at Dave)  I’m about to make you a vintage Sebastian Boyero.

Dave:  What?

Keith:  (frowns)  Pencil-neck was funnier.

Billy:  (points gun at Keith)  This is the last time I’m gonna say it. Hand over the cash, Kowalski.

(Mike glances at a nearby clock that reads ’11:59′ and smiles…)

Mike:  Fellas, cover your ears.

Billy:  Why, Miner? You gonna cry like a little girl?

(Noon arrives and the store explodes with a cacophony of bells and whistles and cuckoos. The Rust Brothers drop their guns to cover their ears and Mike and Nate pounce on the weapons and point them at the small-town drug dealers…)

Mike:  (grins, pumps shotgun)  Looks like the tables have turned, Rust Bros.

Billy:  Dang it.

Keith:  C’mon, Mike. You should’ve made a sweet clock pun there. Like…”time’s up, dickheads”.

Nate:  How about, “you snooze, you lose”.

Keith:  Ooh, that’s a good one, Nate. You snooze, you lose…dickheads.


(Nate and Mike are pointing the Rust Brothers’ guns back at them while Keith dances around the antique clock store, taunting them…)

Keith:  Na na na-boo-boo/You can’t shoot us/’Cause we have your guns now/So you can suck it!

Mack:  (pouting)  I don’t like that song, Billy.

Billy:  Don’t worry, brother. We ain’t licked just yet.

Nate:  What are you talking about, Rust? We got your guns.

Mike:  Yeah, you are sufficiently licked.

Billy:  Let’s just say I got a wild card in my back pocket.

Nate:  He’s got a gun in his back pocket. Guys, he’s got a gun in his back pocket!

Mike:  Hit the deck, Dave!

Dave:  (diving behind counter)  Not the clocks!

(Billy Rust pulls a .22 from the back of his belt and he, Nate and Mike open fire on each other…)

Keith:  (draws finger gun, looks down as bullets whiz by)  Crap! It’s not loaded!


(After the Rust Brothers flee unscathed, Dave climbs up from behind his counter to survey the damage. Nate is nursing a flesh wound on Mike’s arm as Keith climbs out of the inside of a giant grandfather clock; the only clock not to be completely destroyed during the gun battle…)

Dave:  (tear forming in the corner of his eye)  My clocks. My beautiful clocks.

Keith:  Ooh sorry about all this, Dave.

Nate:   Yeah tough break, buddy.

Keith:  Guess I won’t be buying that birthday present for my dad, seeing as how it’s been completely demolished by those darn Rust Brothers. Darn them!

Dave:  Will you fellas at least help me clean up?

Keith:  Can’t, bud. We’ve got a birthday party to get to.  (waving as the three assholes exit)  Good luck with all your future endeavors!

(A cuckoo bird pops out of clock rubble and coughs a dust cloud…)


(At Mamma Baldacci’s, Mike, Nate, Keith and Keith’s dad Chuck are enjoying a birthday pizza pie. Keith hands Chuck a sloppily-wrapped present…)

Keith:  Happy birthday, pops. I was gonna buy you an antique clock; but this darn town doesn’t have an antique clock store. Darn this town!

Chuck:  Sure it does. Dave’s Antique Clocks, downtown.

Nate:  Nope, nope. Pretty sure that place closed.

Mike:  Yeah, that place is definitely closed.

Chuck:  (opens box, pulls out Billy’s .38)  Wow, a revolver!

Keith:  You like it, pop?

Chuck:  It’s perfect, son. Why’s it so warm, though?

Keith:  Uh…because of the warmth of a son’s love?

Chuck:  Aw.

Mike:  Blech.

(Two Veazie police officers enter the pizza shop…)

Officer:  Excuse me. Does anybody here have any information on a shooting that occurred an hour ago downtown?

Chuck:  (glares at Keith)

Keith:  (nervous chortle)  Hey pops, wanna go for a special father-son birthday run?

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