Totally Radical Sportz!

Three Assholes – Episode 209

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 03/02/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 209 – Toy Mountain

(Keith is staring out the window of Mike’s trailer at the snow falling outside…)

Keith:  Sick of this.

Mike:  (lounging on the couch, watching CMT)  Winter? You live in Maine, dude.

Keith:  It’s March, man. Winter’s over. It’s time for the birds to sing and the flowers to bloom and the trees to….do tree stuff.

Mike:  Too Tall Tom Shimansky says it’s supposed to be a record snowfall this weekend. A real Nor’easter.

Keith:  Too Tall Tom Shimansky is full of shit. He’s not even that tall.

Mike:  So you’re just denying winter?

Keith:  Yeah, I’m a winter denialist. I’m poppin’ on some shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and some shades. Really summer up this joint. Let’s have a barbecue!

Mike:  A barbecue? You mean outside? You’ll catch hypothermia.

Keith:  Wrong, Mike. We’ll all catch hypothermia.

~~~

Shimansky:  I’m meteorologist Too Tall Tom Shimansky and we are here live in Veazie for WVII Channel 7’s 5th Annual Too Tall Tom Toy Drive. We’ll be going door-to-door collecting toys and meeting some of the local people who make this state so great. Let’s try this house right here.

(Tom knocks on the door of a ranch house and a gruff man in a wife-beater and sweatpants answers the door…)

Oscar:  What the hell do you want?

Shimansky:  Hello sir, I’m Too Tall Tom Shimansky and you’re live on WVII Channel 7’s 5th Annual Too Tall Tom Toy Drive.

Oscar:  I’m on the TV?

Shimansky:  Yes, sir. Do you have any toys you’d like to donate?

Oscar:  Hey, I know you. You’re that faggy weatherman on Channel 7.

Shimansky:  Okay, let’s move on to the next house. Sorry for the technical difficulties, everyone. That’s just one of the complications of live television.

Oscar:  (hollering after Tom and his cameraman as they hustle down the sidewalk)  You look a lot taller on the TV!

~~~

(Keith is behind Mike’s trailer in cargo shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and wraparound shades; grilling chicken on Mike’s barbecue grill, while Mike and Nate watch him through the trailer window, drinking beer…)

Nate:  Looks pretty cold out there.

Mike:  Yup.

Nate:  You gotta admire his perseverance, though.

Mike:  I s’pose.

Keith:  (shivering violently)

Mike:  (opens window)  You need a scarf, buddy?

Keith:  (teeth chattering)  It’s so n-n-nice out, you g-guys.

Nate:  How’s that chicken coming?

Keith:  St-still frozen. Think we just need to lighter fluid it up a bit. Somebody bring me an extra bottle.

Nate:  I ain’t goin’ out there.

Mike:  C’mon, Nate. Let’s support our friend, no matter how stupid he is.

Nate:  We’ll catch a cold!

Mike:  No, we won’t. We just gotta get liquored up first.

Nate:  Well, ya got me there.  (cracks open bottle of 151)

Keith:  (hollering through window)  Oh my God, you guys. Let’s put my Hawaiian shirt and shades on the Bransons’ dog!

~~~

Oliver:  (answers the door)  Oh, wow! Too Tall Tom! I’m your biggest fan! I’ve got your Chill Factor chart on my refrigerator.

Shimansky:  That’s great, friend. We’re live with WVII Channel 7’s 5th Annual Too Tall Tom Toy Drive. Do you have any toys for needy kids, sir?

Oliver:  I do! Just a sec.  (rushes back inside)

Shimansky:  It’s good to see that when the snowflakes are falling, people are still ready and willing to give.

Oliver:  (comes back outside with a box)  Okay, let’s see. I’ve got an abacus so poor kids can learn math; a magnifying glass for a little junior detective; a rock as a starter kit for a rock collection and a food pyramid poster for health.

Shimansky:  Wow. This is literally the worst assortment of toys I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Please never donate to the Too Tall Tom Toy Drive ever again.

Oliver:  (head down)  Sorry.

Shimansky:  Well, let’s try to bounce back from this terrible experience and move on.  (heads back down sidewalk)

Oliver:  (single tear)

~~~

Keith:  Ha! Too Tall Tom just blasted stupid jerk Oliver on national television!

(Nate, Mike and a topless Keith are drinking on lawn chairs around the grill, with Mike’s TV propped up in the trailer window…)

Nate:  You know this isn’t being nationally televised, right?

Keith:  Whatever. Shimansky made Oliver cry. He just went up a notch in my book.

Mike:  This 151’s really doin’ the trick with this blizzard. I can’t feel a thing!

Keith:  That’s the spirit, Mikey!

Buster:  (wearing Hawaiian shirt and shades)  Ruff!

Keith:  Ha ha! Good one, Buster.

Jim:  (coming outside in a parka)  What the heck’s going on out here?

Mike:  Hey, Mr. Branson. We’re just havin’ a little summer barbecue.

Jim:  In the middle of a snowstorm.

Mike:  I can’t feel a thing!

Nate:  That might not actually be good, Mike.

Mike:  Pull up a seat and enjoy some rum, Jim.

Jim:  Well, I s’pose a little wouldn’t hurt. Not gonna be able to get into work today, anyway.  (sits down, glances at Buster)  Why is my dog wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shades?

Keith:  ‘Cause he’s an awesome party dog. Aren’t you, Buster?

Buster:  Ruff!

Keith:  (chortles)  Another zinger!

~~~

(Too Tall Tom Shimansky and his cameraman are knocking on the door to Mike’s trailer. Keith comes racing around the corner…)

Keith:  (screaming)  We’re on TV! We’re on TV!

Shimansky:  Sir, do you have any toys to donate to the Too Tall Tom Toy Drive?

Keith:  We’re around back. Follow me.  (grabs toy bag)  Oh, wow! Look’t all these toys!

Shimansky:  Sir, those are actually for needy children.

Keith:  (pulls out banjo)  Awesome!  (races around corner)

(The cameraman turns the corner to find the three assholes and dozens of Chickadee Trailer Park residents dancing as Keith picks at the banjo…)

Nate:  Either I’m really drunk or Keith’s really good on that banjo!

Keith:  Can’t it be both?

(Jim Branson does a jig as the others clap…)

Shimansky:  (turning to the camera)  As you can see behind me, this small town’s got a big heart. While the winter storm barrages our state, these folks have decided to fight back the cold with the heat of a summer barbecue hoedown.

Keith:  (picking banjo)  Whoooo! Fuck you, winter!

Shimansky:  (grinning)  Whoops. Hope our censors caught that.  (putting the microphone in Mike’s face)  How about you, sir? How are you fighting the winter cold?

Mike:  (raises 151 bottle)  I’m getting fucking wasted! Whooo! I can’t feel a thing!

(The trailer park residents erupt with cheers…)

Shimansky:  We’d like to again apologize for the technical difficulties. Now do you folks have any toys to donate to Too Tall Tom’s Toy Drive?

Keith:  (stops picking)  Um. We’ve got hot coals.

Shimansky:  Hot coals aren’t exactly a safe toy for a child.

Keith:  Little Stevie seems to be having fun over there.

(Jim’s son, eight-year-old Stevie Branson, raises a bottle of lighter fluid over his head and squirts it into the barbecue grill…)

Jim:  Stevie, nooooooooo!

~~~

(The next weekend, at Stevie Branson’s funeral…)

Keith:  (glancing around)  Yeesh, talk about a bummer.

Nate:  It’s a child funeral, Keith.

Keith:  I just beat the winter blues, Nate. I’m in spring mode now; I’m feeling good. Now I gotta pretend to be sad?

Nate:  Just don’t embarrass us.

Mike:  At least Jim was able to donate all Stevie’s toys to Too Tall Tom’s Toy Drive.

Keith:  (chortles)  Ha ha, remember when Shimansky made Oliver cry? He looked just like Mr. Branson does now.

Nate:  Show some respect, Keith.

Keith:  Okay.  (lowers head, quietly removes something from under his coat)  But when do I get to play my banjo?

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  1. Jayce said, on 05/14/2017 at 4:25 am

    There are no words to describe how bodiacous this is.


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