Three Assholes – Episode 208
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 208 – Encounters With The Uncarpeted
Mike: Hello, is Minnimee there? (hic)
Mike: Minnie. (hic)
Billy: Who is this?
Mike: Listen, you dick. Put Minnie on the phone. (hic)
Billy: It’s four in the morning. Minnie’s asleep. Whaddya wanna say to her?
Mike: Tell her I love her and I wanna be with her. (hic) Oh, I got the hiccups.
Billy: Who is this?
Mike: Your momma, poophead. (hic)
Billy: Are you fuckin’ my girlfriend?
Mike: Wouldn’t you like to know. (hic) Put Minnie on the phone.
Billy: You stay away from my girlfriend, buddy; or you’re gonna get a face full of fist.
Mike: (hic) You’re gonna get a…fistful…of butt. (hic)
Mike: Shut up! (dial tone)
(The next morning, Mike, Nate and Keith are playing Dreamcast at Nate’s apartment…)
Mike: Drunk-dialed Minnie last night.
Nate: Oh no, Mike.
Keith: (chuckles) Well that explains all the commotion this morning.
Mike: What commotion?
Keith: You didn’t hear? While you were still sleeping one off, Billy Rust was kickin’ Minnie out of his trailer. They broke up. He’s shackin’ up with that movie extra, Michelle. Think she got a job at Diva’s.
Mike: Are you fucking kidding me?
Keith: I know! An actor living in our trailer park!
Nate: Mike’s trailer park.
Keith: Well, I stay there most nights.
Nate: Doesn’t your family own a mansion?
Mike: Not that, you idiots. The other thing. The thing about Minnie being single again.
Keith: Guess your drunken phone call did the trick.
Nate: I never knew those worked.
Mike: Neither did I.
Keith: We should throw a party. Not a big rager, just a little one here at Nate’s apartment. A “Get Mike & Minnie Back Together” party.
Mike: I could be on board with that.
Nate: Why my apartment?
Keith: You have the nicest place of all of us.
Nate: Again. You have a mansion.
Keith: Mom and I got in an argument, ’cause she caught me swinging from one of the crystal chandeliers.
Nate: You’re an idiot.
Keith: What! Monkeys can do it!
Nate: You guys set up for the small party. I gotta get to the dam.
Mike: They took you back?
Nate: Yeah. Turns out the ex-con thing wasn’t that big a deal. Half the dam has been or will be going to prison in the near future.
Keith: And Zorro! He does it!
Keith: (hollers out window) Monkeys and Zorro, Nate!
(Mike and Keith are in a heated battle of Tennis 2K2 when Keith kicks the coffee table after another double fault…)
Keith: C’mon Serena, you sack of shit!
(A soda can wobbles on the edge of the table before teetering over and spilling all over Nate’s white carpet…)
Keith: Uh oh.
Mike: Quick! What do we do? Club soda?
Keith: I think it’s white wine.
Mike: Check the cupboards.
Keith: (hustles into kitchen) All he’s got is red. In a box.
Mike: Feel like that would just make the stain worse.
Keith: It’s got alcohol in it, though.
Mike: What does that even mean?
Keith: (pours red wine on brown cola stain)
Mike: Yeah, that definitely made it worse.
Keith: Wait for it. Wait for it.
Mike: Wait for what?
Keith: For it to kick in. C’mon, alcohol!
Mike: Not looking good. What about nail polish?
Keith: (hustles into bathroom, hollers) All he’s got is pink! (runs back into living room)
Mike: Why does Nate have pink nail polish?
Keith: I always hide something to huff at friends’ places in case of an emergency. (pours pink nail polish onto red-brown wine/cola stain) Wait for it.
Keith: Dang it! (hollers at floor) Stop being a stain, you jerk!
Mike: Nate is gonna kill us.
Keith: There’s only one solution left.
Mike: Flee to Canada?
Keith: Nope. We gotta rip this carpet up.
(That afternoon, Mike and Keith are ripping away at Nate’s living room carpet…)
Mike: (ripping carpet) Shouldn’t we have hired somebody to do this?
Keith: Nah, we got this. (rips carpet)
Mike: (rips carpet) Where are we gonna find a replacement carpet?
Keith: (stops ripping carpet) Replacement carpet?
(That afternoon at Ali Baba’s Market…)
Mike: Why are we at Ali Baba’s?
Keith: (rolling eyes) Everybody knows Indians have the best carpets, Mike.
Mike: Keith, I’m not going to have to explain to you again that flying carpets don’t exist, am I?
Keith: Don’t be ridiculous. You need a genie for it to fly.
Keith: Ali Baba my man, we need a carpet.
Ali: No carpet. Just grocery.
Keith: C’mon Ali, you’re Indian. You gotta have a good carpet guy.
Ali: Well, I am actually Yemeni; but yes, I have a carpet guy. Go to Blueberry Hill Road, you can’t miss it. Ask for Jack.
Keith: Thanks, Ali. I’m just gonna take this Snickers. Put it on my tab.
Ali: (hollering after them as they leave) What tab?
(Keith and Mike trudge down Blueberry Hill Road and find a large warehouse with a sign that reads, “Indian Jack’s Flying Carpets”…)
Keith: (pointing) See? Indian.
Mike: (frowns) Seems like an odd name for an Indian.
Keith: What? “Indian”?
Mike: The other part of his name, you idiot.
Mike: Just get inside.
(A large man is doing carpet inventory when Keith taps him on the shoulder…)
Keith: Excuse me, are you Jack?
Jack: (smiles) I’m Indian Jack.
Keith: Wait a minute. Are you British Occupation Indian or Trail of Tears Indian?
Jack: (scowling) Trail of Tears Indian.
Keith: Well that’s pretty false advertising, isn’t it. The sign says flying Indian carpets.
Jack: Yes, ’cause they’re flying off the shelves.
Keith: Yeah, but when a layman reads that they’re thinking, “Oh, Indian flying carpets. From India. Not Indians.”
Jack: I am Indian.
Keith: Not the right kind, though!
Jack: You know flying carpets don’t exist, right?
Mike: That’s what I’m saying.
Keith: Whatever. Just give us a cheap carpet that can cover a living room.
Jack: (pulling large floral carpet off shelf) How about this?
Keith: Perfect. Put it on Ali Baba’s tab.
Jack: Very well. Any friend of Ali Baba’s is a friend of mine. Even if they are wildly racist.
Mike: This design is pretty and all; but Nate’s carpet was white.
Keith: Way ahead of you, buddy. (tries to exit while holding carpet sideways)
(At Gino’s Car & Truck Detailing…)
Keith: Gino, my main man. I need this carpet detailed, pronto. Jet white.
Gino: We don’t detail carpets, Kowalski.
Keith: That’s not what your mom said! Wait, that doesn’t work. Just paint this carpet white, will ya?
Gino: Why didn’t you buy a white carpet?
Mike: That’s what I’m saying.
(Gino takes the carpet out back. Keith turns to Mike, hands on hips…)
Keith: You know, Mike, you’re not being very supportive today.
(Keith and Mike are carrying the dripping white carpet upstairs and are greeted by Nate standing in the center of his barren living room…)