Three Assholes – Episode 207
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 207– Old St. Veazie
Judge: The Hague finds Keith Kowalski guilty of widespread, systematic and gross human rights violations and crimes against humanity. Mr. Kowalski, what do you have to say for yourself?
Keith: Uhh… (glances down at naked body, farts)
(Keith wakes up on the floor of Mike’s trailer in a cold sweat. He staggers outside and finds Mike and Nate on the front lawn, drinking beers…)
Nate: (tossing Keith a beer) Mornin’.
Keith: Had that dream again where I’m naked in The Hague.
Mike: I can’t even believe you know what The Hague is.
Keith: (scowling) I read!
Keith: I skim.
(A posh Lamborghini pulls up and a well-quaffed man in his late twenties steps out…)
Charlie: Hiya, fellas. My name’s Charlie Roper, I’m just passing through town and was wondering–
Keith: Holy crap, you’re Charlie Roper!
Mike: He just said that, numbnuts. Beer?
Charlie: I’m good.
Keith: You guys don’t understand, this is Charlie Roper. He was in Goin’ Great, Doo Wah Ditty, Dragnet 2084, On The Road. He’s like the Leo DiCaprio of our generation.
Charlie: Aw, thanks man.
Nate: (frowns) I thought Leo DiCaprio was the Leo DiCaprio of our generation.
Keith: (grins) More like Leo DiCraprio, right Charlie?
Charlie: Leo’s actually a really great guy. I was his body double in The Beach.
Mike: Oh, so if somebody tried to assassinate him?
Keith: Well that’s crazy; ’cause you’ve got a much better body than him, Charlie.
Mike: Jeez. Get a room, you two.
Charlie: You already asked me that.
Mike: (tosses beer bottle past Charlie, smashes in road)
Keith: So what are you doing out here in the middle of Maine, Charlie? Vacation?
Charlie: We’re actually shooting a film right now in Eddington.
Nate: Eddington! That shithole?
Charlie: It’s not that bad. The director wants that rural flavor.
Keith: Well you guys should cross the town line and shoot here in Veazie, instead. We’re up to our necks in rural flavor!
Charlie: It’s not really up to me.
Keith: But you’re Charlie Roper!
Charlie: I know that.
Nate: So whaddya want, Mr. Roper?
Charlie: Stop saying that. No, I was just wondering if you guys might maybe have some…
Keith: Coke? Weed? Dope? Pills? Smokes?
Keith: Damn, Charlie.
Charlie: It’s not for me. There’s this really hot extra on set who said if I got her some PCP…she’d read lines with me.
Keith: But you’re Charlie Roper!
Charlie: (scowling) Stop saying that.
Keith: Look, PCP’s not normally on the menu. But for you, Charlie? We’ll get your PCP.
Charlie: (hopping back in Lambo) Great. I’ll be back in a couple hours. (peels out)
Nate: How in the heck are we gonna get PCP in a couple hours?
Keith: We’re gonna rob the Rust Brothers.
(Billy Rust is out in front of his trailer with his stripper-girlfriend Minnie in his lap while his slow brother Mack bats at a hornets nest in a nearby tree with a yardstick…)
Mack: (being stinged) I’m winning, Billy!
Billy: Great job, Mack.
Keith: Look at these idiots.
(Keith, Mike and Nate are hiding in a small bush yards from the Rust Brothers’ trailer. Suddenly another head pops up…)
Chuck: Hey guys, whatcha doin’?
Keith: We’re robbing drug dealers, dad. Leave us alone. What are you even doing here?
Chuck: Your mom kicked me out of the mansion. Which is crazy, ’cause I bought that mansion.
Keith: Yeah. And then you left me and mom alone in it while you went down to West Virginia.
Chuck: For work!
Chuck: (looks down) And whores.
Mike: We need to get them away from the trailer. Just need some sort of distraction.
(Mack Rust gives the hornets nest one final good whack and Mack, Billy and Minnie are soon enveloped in wasps…)
Mack: Billy, the bees’ kisses hurt!
Billy: (firing his pistol off wildly) There’s a frog pond at the bottom of the hill. Let’s make a run for it!
(The three run off and Mike, Nate, Keith and Chuck rise up out of the bush…)
Nate: That’ll work.
(The three assholes and Keith’s dad are rifling through the Rust Brothers’ trailer making a mess when Mike comes across a foot locker. He picks the lock and opens it up to find dozens of bags of various pills and powders…)
Nate: (going from bag to bag) Nothing is labeled. What kind of system is this? How are we going to know which one is the PCP?
Keith: (shrugs) Guess we’re gonna have to try ’em all.
(Hours later, after dragging the drug locker back to Mike’s trailer…)
Keith: (snorts line) Nope, that’s coke again.
Mike: (snorts line) Coke.
Nate: (snorts line) Coke.
Keith: Jeez, are all these coke?
Mike: (handing Keith a bag) How ’bout this one.
Keith: (snorts line) I don’t know what that is; but it’s not PCP. Doesn’t have that kick.
Chuck: (standing by the door) Your actor friend’s back, son. And he brought a sweet hoochie-mama.
Keith: (sprints out of trailer) Hey, Charlie. What’s up? Oh and you must be Charlie’s addict–er, extra friend.
Michelle: Michelle. So you guys have the PCP?
Keith: Yeah, sorta.
Billy: Well, well, well. If it isn’t the fuck-ups.
(The wasp-stinged Rust Brothers and Minnie join the assholes and the actors on Mike’s front lawn…)
Mike: Boy, you guys look like hell. What happened?
Billy: We were attacked by Africanized killer bees.
Mack: I think they were just regular bees, Billy.
Billy: And while we were administering to our wounds in the frog pond, it seems someone broke into our trailer and pilfered away a certain locker full of certain…items.
Keith: Oh my gosh, Billy. What items?
Billy: You know what items, Kowalski.
(Nate leans in Billy’s ear and whispers something. Billy Rust turns to Charlie with a grin…)
Billy: Hey there, Charlie Roper.
Billy: Get ’em, Mack.
(Mack lumbers menacingly toward Charlie, who takes off down the dirt road. Billy hops in Charlie’s Lambo with Michelle and waves at Nate, Keith, Mike and Minnie…)
Charlie: Y’all have a blessed day.
Keith: Wow. That could have gone in a different direction. What’d you tell Billy, Nate?
Nate: I told him a bunch of California-types are over in Eddington right now shooting a Hollywood movie and they might know the whereabouts of the drugs. And if not, Charlie Roper’s Lamborghini oughta cover the losses and then some.
Keith: Quick thinkin’, Nate. I guess that’s why they call it Hollyweird!
Charlie: (running by with Mack on his heels) Nobody calls it that!
Mike: (to Minnie) Do you need some balm or something?
Minnie: I’m good.
Chuck: (exiting the trailer, topless and holding a knife) I found the PCP, son.
Keith: Thanks, dad.