Three Assholes – Episode 206
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 206– The Sounds Of (Future) Science
(In 2047 Veazie, sexagenarians Mike Miner and Keith Kowalski are resting in lawn chairs on the front yard of Chickadee Trailer Park & Industrial Robot Storage…)
Keith: (handing Mike a small mirror) Want some synthesized digital cocaine, bub?
Mike: No. Full.
Keith: What’s the latest news on your data download stick?
Mike: (licks metal stick)
Data Download Stick: (automated voice) Syrians secede from United States of Africa. The Pope has declared war on New Antarctica. Moon Grizzlies lose sixth straight.
Keith: (shaking his head) Someone’s gotta take another shot at that jerk Pope. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean…
Nate: Hey, fellas.
(Nate gets out of his new Chevrolet hovercraft…)
Keith: (whistles, struggles out of lawn chair) Sweet new hovercraft, Nathan.
Nate: Thanks. Just glad to finally be rid of that stupid car.
Keith: (chortles) Cars. Remember cars, Mike?
Keith: Close. I never saw what the big deal was about cars, anyway. Who wants to drive sixty-miles-an-hour when you can hover…at about twenty-miles-an-hour.
Nate: Thirty on the highway. You know, if we still had highways.
Keith: So what’s the occasion? You come into some money?
Nate: In a way.
Keith: How’s that?
Nate: I sold the dam.
Keith: You sold Veazie Dam? I didn’t even know you owned Veazie Dam.
Nate: Remember? I won it off Mr. Fitzsimmons in that gin rummy tournament?
Keith: God, we drank a lotta gin that night.
Nate: (nods) And rum.
Keith: So who’d you sell it to? The Chinese? Dubai? New Antarcticans?
Nate: The Soviets.
Keith: You what.
Nate: Now, these aren’t like our dad’s or our granddad’s Soviets. These are New Soviets. They’re all about peace and tranquility and community and working together.
Keith: …and sharing and hugging and la la la everybody’s dancing and then before you know it BOOM! Comrade President Newt Gingrich Jr. is signing a new bread ban bill in the White Kremlin!
Nate: Why would they ban bread?
Keith: ‘Cause they hate it! Just like they hate America.
Nate: These guys really aren’t as bad as you make them out to be, Keith. And they gave me a great deal on the dam.
Keith: (scowling) Yeah, in rubles. What’s the catch?
Nate: Hehe, well…
Keith: What’s the catch, Nate?
Nate: They’re kinda…sorta…funneling ninety percent of the water back to Russia.
Nate: Now, don’t overreact.
Keith: What will we drink? What will we bathe in? What will we wash all these goddamned giant industrial robots with?
Nate: Yeah, Robo-Scrub. They sell it at Ames.
Keith: (sighs) At least Ames is back, guys.
Nate: You know you don’t actually have to wash the robots, right? They’re just storing them here.
Keith: (scowling) I know what I have to do!
Nate: Look, why don’t we just head down to the dam, I’ll introduce you to the guys and you’ll see you have nothing to worry about.
Keith: K. I just have to run into Mike and my’s trailer and grab something real quick.
(Keith runs inside and Mike smiles blankly at Nate…)
Nate: How’s that inoperable brain tumor treatin’ you, buddy?
(Mike, Nate and Keith exit Nate’s hovercraft and make their way toward Veazie Dam…)
Nate: Pretty bulky overcoat you got goin’ there, bud. Seeing as how it’s eighty degrees out today.
Keith: Yeah, this is cold for February. Should be nineties in March, though. Thank God for Global Correctifying.
Nate: Ah, here’s Petr. Petr’s gonna be the new manager here at Veazie Dam; handle the day-t0-day, like I used to.
Petr: That’s Petr, with one ‘e’. And we have actually changed the naming to Yakov Dam, after former Soviet Premier Yakov Smirnov. May God guide his eternal soul to the heavens above. Amen.
Keith: (shaking his head, glancing around at the hustle and bustle inside) Look at this place. It’s lousy with Russians!
Petr: Yes, we are already hard at work correcting the many mistakes made by shoddy American craftsmanship.
Keith: First, he spells his name wrong; and now he’s dissing our dam-building skills?
Nate: Well, to be fair, Veazie Dam has been named “World’s Worst Dam” for sixty-eight consecutive years by Dam Magazine.
Mike: (rubbing eyes) Can you guys stop swearing?
Petr: When we are finished, Yakov Dam will be a state-of-the-art dam providing fresh drinking water to the good people of the New Soviet Union.
Keith: Yeah, but what are we gonna drink?
Petr: I don’t know. Beer?
Mike: (eyes light up) Beer.
Newscaster: And the rhesus monkeys have fully conquered the island-nation of New Zealand at this time, holding the human inhabitants there captive. Their demands are simple: Bananas.
(Mike is staring and drooling at the 3D projection hologram television screen in Nate’s old office as he packs up the rest of his things. Nate finds an old photograph of him and his two oldest friends…)
Nate: (smiles) Remember this, Mike? We took this the day you got back from Iraq. Out in that boat in the middle of the Penobscot River, drinking Black Sunshine. Those were the days.
Nate: (patting his friend on the back) Yeah Mike, it’s a boat. Why don’t we get you home for a nap, buddy.
(Keith enters the office, rubbing his hands together…)
Nate: Hmm. Keith, your overcoat suddenly seems a lot less bulky.
Keith: (pats belly) Just took a really big dump. That Metamucil Platinum works wonders.
(Petr enters and shakes Nate’s hand…)
Nate: Well, she’s all yours Petr. Take good care of her.
Petr: Oh, we will. Enjoy your retirement, Mr. Shoops.
(Mike, Nate and Keith exit the dam…)
Keith: (lugging a small aluminum boat out of the back of Nate’s hovercraft) Hey, how ’bout we all take one last dip. For old time’s sake.
Nate: (grins) That sounds like it could be fun. What do you say, Mike?
Mike: (points) Boat.
Nate: He’s in.
(The three paddle out into the middle of the Penobscot River and Nate takes one last look at the dam…)
Nate: Lotta memories in that damn dam.
Keith: I might just have one more for ya, Natey.
Nate: (face goes white) What did you do, Keith?
Keith: (giggles) I strapped a bomb to the dam.
Nate: You what?!
Keith: Well, first I strapped it to myself; but then I was like, “Whoa, I don’t feel this strongly about it.” So I took it off and strapped it to the dam. Should be goin’ off any second now.
Nate: Are you crazy? Why would you do something like that?
Keith: (hushed tone) Because, Nathan. (leans in) You can’t buy a dam that isn’t there. (winks)
Nate: But the Soviets already bought it.
Keith: Oh they bought it, alright.
(An hour later, the dam explosion has sent the small boat full of three assholes clear down the Penobscot River and out into Penobscot Bay…)
Keith: Welp, time to start paddlin’ back. You mind paddling, Nate? My shoulders hurt from lugging that bomb. Also, can you take my industrial robot washing shift tonight?
Nate: (sighs) Maybe I’ll move to Florida.
Mike: (shuts eyes) Nap.