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Three Assholes – Episode 204

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 02/10/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 204– Egg Men

(A young woman is pushing her baby in a stroller down the street when a black car with tinted windows pulls up next to her. The window rolls down and a man in a black ski-mask hucks an egg at her face. The car peels off as the woman wipes egg off her blouse while her baby cries. Across town, Mike, Nate and Keith are watching TV in Mike’s trailer in Chickadee Trailer Park…)

News Anchor:  A wave of eggings has rocked this small community as an unmarked car has been seen around town assaulting the good people of Veazie with random and unwarranted attacks.

Nate:  What’s become of society?  (takes hit off crack pipe)

Mike:  It’s probably that runt, Pogaletti.

Keith:  Nah. Eggs aren’t really Jimmy’s style. He’s more the torturing small animals type.  (hits crack pipe)

Mike:  Does seem kinda fun, though. Just steal a buncha eggs from Ali Baba’s Market and make a day of it.

Keith:  Would be a great way to get back at all the people who have wronged us over the years.

Mike:  (hits crack pipe)  So it’s agreed, then? We’re gonna copycat this thing.

Keith:  Whoa, you guys. What if we egged a chicken? That would be so ironic.


(Mike, Nate and Keith are cruising down Rte. 1 in a Mini Cooper…)

Mike:  Are you sure my neighbors said we could borrow their car?

Keith:  Sure.

Mike:  We stole this, didn’t we?

Nate:  Well, he did hotwire it.

Keith:  Please. It’s a Mini Cooper, it’s hardly even a car. It’s like stealing a bike. Besides, your neighbors are British. They’re probably on one of their long tea breaks right now. They won’t even notice it’s gone. We’re probably gonna have to siphon some gas, too. Running a little low.

Mike:  So Nate, who’s first on the list?

Keith:  You made a list?

Nate:  Of course I did. We’ve got to have some semblance of organization. We can’t just go huckin’ eggs at people all willy-nilly. That’s how the other guys messed up.

Keith:  They didn’t mess up. They’re still at large.

Nate:  Well…still. Okay, first up is–

Keith:  Oliver Welsh.


(The three assholes are outside former high school classmate and all-around worst person ever, Oliver Welsh’s house. Keith is sucking gas out of a rubber tube from Oliver’s car and spitting it into Mike’s neighbor’s Cooper…)

Nate:  I don’t think that’s how you do that.

Keith:  (coming up for air, dry-heaving)  You wanna try, Captain Never Done This Before?

Nate:  Not particularly.

Keith:  Then shut up.  (sucks gas out of hose, spits, cringes)  Oh God, this tastes like gas!

Oliver:  Hey, what the heck?

(Oliver Welsh is standing on his front porch, hands on his hips…)

Mike:  (waving)  Hey, Oliver.

Oliver:  Oh, hey fellas. I didn’t know that was you. Whatcha doin’?

Keith:  (comes up for another breath)  We’re siphoning gas out of your car, you stupid idiot.

Oliver:  (chuckles nervously)  Oh. Well, glad I could be of help.

Keith:  (falls back on his butt, flopsweating)  Okay, think I got enough.

Oliver:  So, you guys wanna hang out?

Mike:  Hey Oliver, you like eggs?

Oliver:  Well, it depen–

Mike:  How ’bout these eggs!

(The three pelt Oliver with eggs, leaving him drenched…)

Oliver:  C’mon, guys. My new shirt!

Keith:  (jumping back in the Cooper)  Your shirt sucks and so do you. Go to hell, Oliver!  (peels out)

Oliver:  (chuckles quietly)  He he, those guys and their jokes.  (single tear)


Mike:  That was awesome! Who’s next, Nate?

Nate:  (checks list)  Our former lawyer, Rick Rollings.

(The Mini Cooper swings by the local Arby’s that Rollings works out of, as he’s outside enjoying a cigarette…)

Nate:  Hey, Rick.

Rollings:  (scowling)  What do you guys want? To fire me again?

Keith:  No! We wanna egg you!

(Pelted with eggs…)

Rollings:  You assholes, this is my lawyer suit!

Keith:  Consider this case…closed.  (throws additional egg)


(Outside Diva’s Gentlemen’s Club, Clem the bouncer keeps watch…)

Minnie:  (exiting)  Bye, Clem.

Clem:  Take car, Minnie.

(The Mini Cooper pulls up…)

Mike:  Hey, Minnie.

Minnie:  Hey, Mikey. Cool car. What are you guys doing today?

Mike:  Egging people.

Minnie:  Oh.

Mike:  You broke my heart, Minnie.

Minnie:  Michael Miner, if you throw one single egg at me.

Mike:  I’m not gonna egg you, Minnie. Now my friends on the other hand…

(Nate and Keith jump out and pelt Minnie with eggs…)

Minnie:  Michael! This is my only non-stripper skirt!

Mike:  (peeling out)  You look really nice today, by the way!

Minnie:  (wipes yolk out of her hair)  Can’t believe I dated that idiot.


Mike:  Can’t believe she’s dating this idiot.

(The Mini Cooper is in a 7-11 parking lot where the Rust Brothers are dealing pot…)

Keith:  Welp, let’s get ’em.

(The Cooper pulls up and Billy Rust peers in…)

Billy:  What are you losers doin’ here? This is my lot.

Keith:  What are you guys dealin’, drugs?

Billy:  Yeah. What’s it to you?

Keith:  We’re dealing eggs.

(Pelted with eggs, peels off…)

Billy:  You’re dead, Kowalski! You hear me? Dead!

Mack:  Billy, I’m all gooey.


(The three assholes are chortling heartily as they roll through downtown, toward City Hall…)

Keith:  This has been the best day ever!

Nate:  Yeah. But we better get your neighbors’ car back soon, Mike.

Mike:  One more stop. We’re goin’ for the big fish.

Nate:  We’re gonna egg a fish?

Keith:  I still think we should egg a chicken.

Mike:  Mayor Prikovitch.

(The Mayor is outside City Hall, shaking hands and speaking with reporters about the wave of eggings when the Cooper pulls up. The boys don ski-masks and huck dozens of eggs into the crowd. Women shriek and men duck for cover…)

Prikovitch:  Oh God, I’m allergic to eggs! I’m going into anaphylactic shock!  (collapses, seizures)

Mike:  Uh oh.

Nate:  Oh jeez.

Keith:  Aren’t mayors supposed to wear top hats?


(Back at Chickadee Trailer Park, Mike’s British neighbors — the Peabodies — are waiting outside as the three assholes park…)

Mr. Peabody:  What the bloody bollocks have you lot been doin’ in me car?

Keith:  Anybody get that?

Mike:  Sorry, Mr. Peabody. We had an emergency and we had to borrow your car.

Keith:  We filled the tank back up.

Mr. Peabody:  Did you use high-grade petrol?

Keith:  Um…yes?

(Four squad cars enter the trailer park and officers surround and arrest the Peabodies…)

Mr. Peabody:  What’s the meaning of this, you sodding constables?

Officer:  This car was seen outside City Hall where the Mayor was egged into a coma earlier today. You’re under arrest, sir.

Mr. Peabody:  It was them! The assholes from next door!

Officer:  Tell it to the judge, sir.

Nate:  Phew. Close one.

Mike:  Yeah, we really dodged a bullet there.

Keith:  Hey officers, do you like eggs?

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