Three Assholes – Episode 203
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 203– Gary Orlando
(Keith and Chuck Kowalski are in Mike’s trailer watching a squirrel waterski on Mike’s new PC…)
Keith: Ha ha, computers are awesome!
Chuck: (swills warm beer) You know, they say squirrels are the dolphins of the forest.
Keith: Yeah, I heard that somewhere. (tapping mouse) This mouse won’t click.
Chuck: And mice are the squirrels of the city.
Mike: That’s because you’re getting peanut butter all over the place again. How does one person get so dirty after eating a sandwich? Go outside and hose off.
Keith: Well, excuuuuuse me! (whispers in Chuck’s ear) New catchphrase.
Chuck: Oh my God, look at all these monkey videos.
Keith: (shoves a peanut buttery finger in his father’s face) Do not. Move. A muscle. (exits the trailer)
Chuck: (clicks on monkey video)
Computer: Ooh ooh ah!
(Keith is hosing himself off to the side of Mike’s trailer while simultaneously taking a leak when he notices a grizzly-bearded man in worn clothes leaning against Mike’s stoop…)
Keith: I’m Keith.
Gary: I’m Gary. Gary Orlando.
Keith: You know Mike?
Gary: Mike who?
Keith: I know, right? I’m so over him. Fancy Mike and his fancy new computer.
Gary: Y’all got a computer in there?
Keith: Yup. It plays hilarious animal videos and they’re really really really really really…hilarious.
Gary: That sounds hilarious.
Keith: It is!
Gary: What kind of internet service are we talking about here? Cable modem or dial-up?
Keith: I don’t know what those words mean. Do you wanna come inside and use Mike’s computer?
Gary: Sure! You think he’ll mind?
Keith: (ponders) Nah.
Mike: You’re darn straight I mind! You can’t just invite homeless bums into my home!
Keith: Michael, he’s right there.
Mike: Yeah. At my computer. Looking at porn with your dad.
Keith: (tears over to computer) Whoa, you can look at porn on these things?! What can’t they do?
Gary: (clicks) Oh, baby.
Chuck: Look at the bazoombas on that ho-bag.
Mike: Will you all just–okay, those are some pretty nice bazoombas.
(Mike, Nate and Keith are out in front of Mike’s trailer sharing a blunt…)
Mike: He’s been here for three days now.
Nate: So you have a homeless man sleeping in your house.
Keith: Technically that means he’s not homeless anymore.
Mike: He’s not exactly sleeping.
Gary: (from inside) Oh, baby!
Keith: Still with the porn? He’s gonna go blind. You gotta layer in a funny animal video here and there, guy.
Mike: He doesn’t even masturbate. He just clicks on a porn video, watches it and says, “Oh, baby.” It’s actually more disturbing than if he was straight jackin’ it all over my living room.
Keith: (shrugs) So tell him you want to watch him masturbate. Problem solved.
Mike: What? No. Keith, are you even listening?
Gary: Oh, baby!
Mike: That’s it. (rolls up sleeves) I’m kickin’ this bum’s ass.
Keith: Hold on, lemme go get your video camera.
Keith: Bum fights, man. Bum fights.
(Mike shoves Gary out of the trailer and into the gravel driveway in front…)
Gary: Hey! What’s the meaning of this? You’re kickin’ me out?
Mike: I’m afraid you’ve worn out your welcome, Gary.
Gary: (crosses arms) Maybe I don’t wanna leave.
Keith: (pounds fist) Then I s’pose we’ll have to be a little more…persuasive.
Gary: (whimpering) You’d beat up a poor old homeless man?
Mike: I’m afraid you’ve left us no choice.
Keith: (hits ‘record’, screaming into camera) BUM FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
(The next morning, the three assholes wake up in a pile and slowly untangle themselves from each other…)
Keith: (rubbing eyes) Did we sleep on each other again?
Nate: We’ve never done that.
Keith: Then what the heck happened?
Mike: That bum kicked the shit out of us.
Keith: We got beat up by a homeless man? Hope no girls saw.
Mike: There’s only one solution to this level of embarrassment.
Keith: Aw, man. I don’t wanna kill a hobo. That’s seven years bad luck.
Mike: Nope. We gotta bulk up.
Keith: So you’re sure this stuff will work, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Definitely. We use ’em on the football team all the time.
Keith: Didn’t Veazie High go 0-11 this year?
Jimmy: We’re rebuilding!
Keith: Alright. Steroids. Let’s do this. (jabs syringe into buttocks) Ooh, that stings.
Jimmy: You probably should have sterilized that first.
Keith: I can feel it working already. It’s like my chest is about to explode.
Keith: (collapses, seizures)
(That evening, at Eastern Maine Medical Center…)
Mike: Hey, buddy. Doctor says you took some illegal horse steroids.
Keith: (weakly) Just tryin’ to get buff, bro. Beat that bum’s ass.
Mike: Me and Nate just got back from the gym. So ripped right now.
Keith: (glances at Nate) You don’t look ripped.
Nate: I spotted.
Mike: (pats Keith on the shoulder) C’mon, bud. Let’s go beat up a homeless man.
Keith: I’m peeing into a tube.
Mike: That’s great, bub.
(Mike, Nate and Keith are wandering through the back alleys of Downtown Veazie close to midnight…)
Mike: He’s gotta be around here somewhere.
Keith: I gotta say, violent seizures aside, I’m really feeling something here with these horse steroids. I feel like I have the power of four horses!
Nate: That’s alotta power.
Nate: Don’t do that.
Mike: Well, well, well.
(Mike kicks a cardboard box and a slumbering Gary Orlando tumbles out…)
Gary: Whuzza? Whoozit?
Mike: If it isn’t the hobo ninja. Ready for round two, bum?
Gary: Now c’mon, guys. Can’t we all just get along? I don’t wanna fight.
Mike: Too late. We’re fightin’. You’re just gonna have to take it like a man. A homeless man.
Keith: (up in Gary’s face) I’m on motherfucking horse steroids, bitch!
Gary: That doesn’t sound healthy.
Mike: Now stand up and fight.
Gary: If you say so.
(Gary Orlando stands up and emits a deafening whistle. The alleyway begins to fill with hordes of homeless and the three assholes are soon surrounded…)
Nate: Oh, shit.
Mike: Are you, like, the leader of all the bums?
Gary: (hands raised to the heavens above) I AM THE HOBO KING.
Homeless: ALL HAIL THE HOBO KING!
Keith: I’m just gonna go to the end of the alley and be lookout, ‘kay guys?