Totally Radical Sportz!

Three Assholes – Episode 203

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 02/08/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 203– Gary Orlando

(Keith and Chuck Kowalski are in Mike’s trailer watching a squirrel waterski on Mike’s new PC…)

Keith:  Ha ha, computers are awesome!

Chuck:  (swills warm beer)  You know, they say squirrels are the dolphins of the forest.

Keith:  Yeah, I heard that somewhere.  (tapping mouse)  This mouse won’t click.

Chuck:  And mice are the squirrels of the city.

Mike:  That’s because you’re getting peanut butter all over the place again. How does one person get so dirty after eating a sandwich? Go outside and hose off.

Keith:  Well, excuuuuuse me!  (whispers in Chuck’s ear)  New catchphrase.

Chuck:  Oh my God, look at all these monkey videos.

Keith:  (shoves a peanut buttery finger in his father’s face)  Do not. Move. A muscle.  (exits the trailer)

Chuck:  (clicks on monkey video)

Computer:  Ooh ooh ah!

Chuck:  (guffaws)

~~~

(Keith is hosing himself off to the side of Mike’s trailer while simultaneously taking a leak when he notices a grizzly-bearded man in worn clothes leaning against Mike’s stoop…)

Keith:  Hey.

Gary:  Hey.

Keith:  I’m Keith.

Gary:  I’m Gary. Gary Orlando.

Keith:  You know Mike?

Gary:  Mike who?

Keith:  I know, right? I’m so over him. Fancy Mike and his fancy new computer.

Gary:  Y’all got a computer in there?

Keith:  Yup. It plays hilarious animal videos and they’re really really really really really…hilarious.

Gary:  That sounds hilarious.

Keith:  It is!

Gary:  What kind of internet service are we talking about here? Cable modem or dial-up?

Keith:  I don’t know what those words mean. Do you wanna come inside and use Mike’s computer?

Gary:  Sure! You think he’ll mind?

Keith:  (ponders)  Nah.

~~~

Mike:  You’re darn straight I mind! You can’t just invite homeless bums into my home!

Keith:  Michael, he’s right there.

Mike:  Yeah. At my computer. Looking at porn with your dad.

Keith:  (tears over to computer)  Whoa, you can look at porn on these things?! What can’t they do?

Gary:  (clicks)  Oh, baby.

Chuck:  Look at the bazoombas on that ho-bag.

Mike:  Will you all just–okay, those are some pretty nice bazoombas.

~~~

(Mike, Nate and Keith are out in front of Mike’s trailer sharing a blunt…)

Mike:  He’s been here for three days now.

Nate:  So you have a homeless man sleeping in your house.

Keith:  Technically that means he’s not homeless anymore.

Mike:  He’s not exactly sleeping.

Gary:  (from inside)  Oh, baby!

Keith:  Still with the porn? He’s gonna go blind. You gotta layer in a funny animal video here and there, guy.

Mike:  He doesn’t even masturbate. He just clicks on a porn video, watches it and says, “Oh, baby.” It’s actually more disturbing than if he was straight jackin’ it all over my living room.

Keith:  (shrugs)  So tell him you want to watch him masturbate. Problem solved.

Mike:  What? No. Keith, are you even listening?

Keith:  Barely.

Gary:  Oh, baby!

Mike:  That’s it.  (rolls up sleeves)  I’m kickin’ this bum’s ass.

Keith:  Hold on, lemme go get your video camera.

Mike:  Why?

Keith:  Bum fights, man. Bum fights.

~~~

(Mike shoves Gary out of the trailer and into the gravel driveway in front…)

Gary:  Hey! What’s the meaning of this? You’re kickin’ me out?

Mike:  I’m afraid you’ve worn out your welcome, Gary.

Gary:  (crosses arms)  Maybe I don’t wanna leave.

Keith:  (pounds fist)  Then I s’pose we’ll have to be a little more…persuasive.

Gary:  (whimpering)  You’d beat up a poor old homeless man?

Mike:  I’m afraid you’ve left us no choice.

Keith:  (hits ‘record’, screaming into camera)  BUM FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

~~~

(The next morning, the three assholes wake up in a pile and slowly untangle themselves from each other…)

Keith:  (rubbing eyes)  Did we sleep on each other again?

Nate:  We’ve never done that.

Keith:  Then what the heck happened?

Mike:  That bum kicked the shit out of us.

Keith:  We got beat up by a homeless man? Hope no girls saw.

Mike:  There’s only one solution to this level of embarrassment.

Keith:  Aw, man. I don’t wanna kill a hobo. That’s seven years bad luck.

Mike:  Nope. We gotta bulk up.

~~~

Keith:  So you’re sure this stuff will work, Jimmy.

Jimmy:  Definitely. We use ’em on the football team all the time.

Keith:  Didn’t Veazie High go 0-11 this year?

Jimmy:  We’re rebuilding!

Keith:  Alright. Steroids. Let’s do this.  (jabs syringe into buttocks)  Ooh, that stings.

Jimmy:  You probably should have sterilized that first.

Keith:  I can feel it working already. It’s like my chest is about to explode.

Jimmy:  Um…

Keith:  (collapses, seizures)

~~~

(That evening, at Eastern Maine Medical Center…)

Mike:  Hey, buddy. Doctor says you took some illegal horse steroids.

Keith:  (weakly)  Just tryin’ to get buff, bro. Beat that bum’s ass.

Mike:  Me and Nate just got back from the gym. So ripped right now.

Keith:  (glances at Nate)  You don’t look ripped.

Nate:  I spotted.

Mike:  (pats Keith on the shoulder)  C’mon, bud. Let’s go beat up a homeless man.

Keith:  I’m peeing into a tube.

Mike:  That’s great, bub.

~~~

(Mike, Nate and Keith are wandering through the back alleys of Downtown Veazie close to midnight…)

Mike:  He’s gotta be around here somewhere.

Keith:  I gotta say, violent seizures aside, I’m really feeling something here with these horse steroids. I feel like I have the power of four horses!

Nate:  That’s alotta power.

Keith:  Neigh!

Nate:  Don’t do that.

Mike:  Well, well, well.

(Mike kicks a cardboard box and a slumbering Gary Orlando tumbles out…)

Gary:  Whuzza? Whoozit?

Mike:  If it isn’t the hobo ninja. Ready for round two, bum?

Gary:  Now c’mon, guys. Can’t we all just get along? I don’t wanna fight.

Mike:  Too late. We’re fightin’. You’re just gonna have to take it like a man. A homeless man.

Keith:  (up in Gary’s face)  I’m on motherfucking horse steroids, bitch!

Gary:  That doesn’t sound healthy.

Mike:  Now stand up and fight.

Gary:  If you say so.

(Gary Orlando stands up and emits a deafening whistle. The alleyway begins to fill with hordes of homeless and the three assholes are soon surrounded…)

Nate:  Oh, shit.

Mike:  Are you, like, the leader of all the bums?

Gary:  (hands raised to the heavens above)  I AM THE HOBO KING.

Homeless:  ALL HAIL THE HOBO KING!

Mike:  Crap.

Keith:  I’m just gonna go to the end of the alley and be lookout, ‘kay guys?

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