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Three Assholes – Episode 202

Posted in erbooker by erbooker on 02/03/2012

Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.

Episode 202– Veazie Nights

(Mike, Nate and Keith are at Ali Baba’s Market…)

Mike:  Check it out, you guys. New flavor of fried onion ring chips. “Southwest”.

Keith:  Ooh, Southwest.

Ali:  (ringing up the boys’ purchases)  Okay. The beer and the chips and the scratch tickets. Anything else?

Keith:  Yeah, Ali. Y’all sell whippets?

Ali:  (shaking his head)  No whippets, sir.

(Mike is watching Nate scratch his tickets at the counter…)

Mike:  I don’t know why you waste your money on those things.

Nate:  (scratches)  You gotta spend money to make money.

Keith:  What about salvia. Y’all got salvia?

Ali:  Saliva?

Keith:  Salvia.

Ali:  No salvia, sir.

Keith:  Well this store isn’t very convenient at all.

Nate:  Oh my God.

Mike:  What? What is it?

Nate:  I just won ten thousand dollars.

~~~

(The boys finish jumping around the store, knocking many shelves and displays over in the process…)

Keith:  We’re rich! We’re rich!

Mike:  You’re already rich.

Keith:  Yeah, but now we’re rich.

Ali:  Congratulations, sir.

Mike:  What are you gonna do with all that moolah?

Nate:  (ponders for a moment)  I’m gonna throw the biggest party this town has ever seen. Ali, I want all the booze you got.

Ali:  Yes, sir!  (adjusts turban, shuffles toward back room)

Keith:  (glances back, pockets candy bar)

Mike:  (frowns)

Keith:  (shrugs)  Force of habit.

~~~

(Mike, Nate and Keith are driving a pickup truck full of alcohol through the Veazie back roads…)

Mike:  Try not to hit every pothole, Keith.

Keith:  I’m tryin’. I’m tryin’.

Nate:  (hangs up cellphone)  Well, I just rented out the Veazie Convention Center for the night.

Keith:  This is gonna be so awesome. Like a welcome back home from prison party for all of us.

Mike:  We’ve been out for weeks. Kinda disappointed somebody hasn’t thrown one of those for us already.

Keith:  I threw one for myself at Diva’s the other night. Minnie gave me a lap dance on the house.

Mike:  This is a happy day. Please don’t bring up my ex-girlfriend.

Nate:  Let’s go ahead and drop all this booze off at the Convention Center.

Keith:  In a bit. We just gotta make one more stop first.

Nate:  For what?

Keith:  Tonight’s entertainment.

~~~

(Keith parks the truck outside a burnt-down ranch home…)

Nate:  I was assuming when you said ‘entertainment’ we’d be stopping at Diva’s.

Keith:  Oh, God no. I locked that shit down back at Ali Baba’s as soon as you said ‘party’.

Mike:  So what’s this shithole?

Keith:  Strippers gotta dance to something, right?

(Keith heads toward the still-intact garage and lifts up the door. The local rock band Raycyst stops playing for a moment and lead guitarist Kerry Slater shakes Keith’s hand…)

Slater:  You the guys hirin’ us for the gig?

Keith:  Yup. You’ll be performing at the Convention Center tonight.

Slater:  What’s it pay?

Keith:  (turns back to Nate, shrugs)

Nate:  Um. Two hundred?

Slater:  I dunno. Two hundo’s kinda light.

Nate:  Free strippers and booze.

Slater:  We’re in.

(Drummer Rick Fredericks gets out from behind his set and shoves a finger in Keith’s face…)

Fredericks:  Hey, aren’t you those guys who got us arrested for stealing a school bus in Houlton a year ago?

Keith:  (stifling a snicker)  Nope. That wasn’t us.

Fredericks:  (frowning)  You sure?

Keith:  Pretty sure.

Fredericks:  Okay, then.

Mike:  Hey, what happened to your house?

Slater:  Came like that. Got a pretty good deal for it, too.

Mike:  Oh.

Keith:  Cool, man.

(A deer runs out of the house rubble…)

~~~

(That evening, at the Veazie Convention Center…)

Slater:  Thank you. That was “Gorilla Scrotum”. And now the first song on our new album, “Monkeyfuck”.

(Nate, Mike and Keith are near the back by the bar…)

Mike:  Boy, they really like monkeys.

Keith:  Yeah, ’cause monkeys are awesome. Check it out!  (points at hat)  Bringin’ the Kangol back!

Mike:  Good luck with that.

Nate:  Man, I can’t believe how many people showed up. The whole town is here.

Mike:  Yup. Everybody except for…

Keith:  Minnie!

(Keith runs over and gives Minnie an inappropriately long hug, while the Rust Brothers head for the bar…)

Nate:  (putting a hand on Billy Rust)  Were you invited?

Billy:  Well hell, I didn’t hear anything about an invite. My brother Mack and I just figured this was sort of a free-for-all type situtation.

Nate:  Yes. It’s free for all, ’cause I paid for it all.

Billy:  Ain’t you them boys came by the trailer park the other day?

Mike:  Yeah. I’m the guy your monster-brother put in the hospital.

Mack:  Sorry about that, mister. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength.

Mike:  Well, it’s “very very strong” in case you’ve forgotten again.

Billy:  Now hold on a second, Mack. You don’t need to go apologizin’ all willy-nilly. This feller knows he was in the wrong. Don’t you, fella?

Mike:  You stole my girlfriend while I was in prison and you’ve taken over my friend’s drug dealing operation.

Keith:  Yeah!

Billy:  I’m still waitin’ for you to tell me something I’ve done wrong.

Mike:  This is a tight-knit town. You can’t just swoop in and expect to be accepted. Don’t worry, Rust. The other shoe will drop.

(High school sweethearts Jimmy Pogaletti and Shirley Bagetti straggle by…)

Jimmy:  Hey, Mr. Rust! Thanks for the drugs!

Shirley:  Yeah, thanks Mr. Rust! Veazie loves you!

Keith:  Oh come on, Pogaletti!

Jimmy:  Sorry, Keith.

Billy:  (turns back to Mike, grinning)

Mike:  Yeah? Well, you’re still a dick.

Keith:  Yeah!

Minnie:  Can you two boys stop arguing and just enjoy the party?

Mike:  Hello, Minnie. You’re looking particularly whoreish this evening.

Minnie:  That’s great, Mike. Thanks. You know, this is the happiest I’ve seen this town since that whiskey truck tipped over last spring. You’ve done a great thing here, Nate.

Nate:  (sheepish grin)  Thanks, Minnie.

Mike:  Sorry about the whore comment from earlier, Minnie.

Minnie:  Like a second ago?

Mike:  You actually do look really nice tonight.

Minnie:  (blushing)  Thanks, Mikey.

Billy:  (putting an arm around Minnie)  That’s my girl.

Keith:  Yeah! Wait, no. Are we still arguing?

Ali:  Mr. Shoops! Mr. Shoops!

(Ali Baba comes sprinting up to the bar, waving a lottery ticket in the air…)

Nate:  What is it, Ali? Not enjoying the party?

Ali:  Party is great. But there is problem with ticket.

Nate:  What’s wrong? Do I have to sign something?

Ali:  You scratch box that say, ‘Please don’t scratch’. Ticket is void.

Nate:  (grabbing the ticket)  What the heck? I didn’t do that.

Keith:  Oops. That was me, bud.

Nate:  (glares)

Keith:  What can I say? I’m a rebel.

Mike:  So…who’s gonna pay for this ten-thousand dollar party?

Keith:  Um…the government?

(The three assholes sprint out of the Convention Center and down the street back to Chickadee Trailer Park…)

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