Three Assholes – Episode 201
Nate, Mike & Keith are childhood Maine friends. They’re also assholes.
Episode 201– Keith’s Father
(Keith and Nate are exiting Freeport Prison after serving their one-year sentences and are waiting for the bus…)
Keith: What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get back home?
Nate: Try to get my job back at the dam. What about you?
Keith: (shrugs) Probably sex with a woman.
Nate: Were you even getting that before prison?
Keith: I’m a hardened criminal now, Nate. Chicks dig that.
(The two hear a car horn across the street…)
Chuck: Hey, son! Son, over here!
Nate: Why is that guy waving at you and calling you ‘son’?
Keith: (pushing Nate further down the sidewalk) I dunno. Maybe he worships the Sun. Let’s get a cab instead.
Nate: Is that a DeLorean? Oh my God, he’s from the future! Wait, no. God, I’ve been spending far too much time with you.
(The DeLorean peels out from across the street and pulls up in front of Nate and Keith. A gray-haired man steps out…)
Chuck: Keith, my boy! Come give your father a hug.
(Nate stares dumbfounded as Keith reluctantly hugs the old man…)
Nate: What the hecks’ going on here?
Keith: Dad, this is my friend, Nate. Nate, this is my dad.
Chuck: (shaking Nate’s hand) Chuck. Pleasure to meet you, son. You took good care of my boy while he was in prison, I hope.
Nate: Neither of us were raped, if that’s what you’re getting at.
Chuck: That’s good, son. Real good. Now how ’bout we hop into my ‘Lorean here and we head back home.
Nate: (whispering to Keith) He calls it a ‘Lorean. So cool!
Keith: (sighs) Yup. He’s the coolest.
(The DeLorean is speeding up Route 1 back toward Veazie…)
Chuck: Yup. Caribbean girls. Brazilian girls. Southern girls. Australian girls. Oriental girls. Don’t get me started about Oriental girls.
Keith: Dad, we’re not interested in all the girls you’ve boned.
Nate: Actually, I kinda am.
Keith: And I highly doubt you had that diverse a selection of ladies while running a coal mine in southern West Virginia.
Chuck: I’m rich, son. They just ship ’em in.
Nate: Wow. Rich off coal. …Do people still use coal?
Chuck: Sure. Trains. Boats. Factories.
Nate: Thing I’m wondering is; if you’re so rich, why doesn’t Keith have a home? He’s always crashing with me or Mike.
Chuck: Oh, he has a home.
Keith: You know that big mansion that me, you and Mike egg and T.P. every Halloween?
Nate: No fucking way. That place is huge! We’ve known each other since we were five, why didn’t you ever tell us you were rich?
Keith: (shrugs) Never came up.
(The DeLorean passes the dilapidated “Welcome to Veazie” sign…)
Chuck: I don’t much feel like hearin’ it from your mother just yet. How ’bout we pick up that Mike friend of yours and have some fun?
Keith: Well, he should be out of Army jail by now.
Nate: Yeah! Party with Keith’s dad!
Keith: Yay. Party with my dad.
(The three pull into Chickadee Trailer Park, only to find a note taped to Mike’s front door…)
Mike: “If you need me, I’m in a cabin deep in Penobscot Forest. (If you’re in any way affiliated with the United States government, please ignore the preceding message).”
(Deep in the Penobscot Forest, Nate, Keith and his father park the DeLorean in front of a worn old cabin. A heavily-bearded and be-flanneled Mike Miner comes out and Keith and Nate run up and embrace their old friend…)
Keith: We missed you, buddy! How was Army prison?
Mike: No sweat. How was civilian prison?
Nate: We didn’t get raped. At all.
Keith: So whatcha doin’ all the way out here in the woods by yourself, bub?
Mike: After being cruelly victimized, imprisoned and dishonorably discharged by the United States Army; I escaped to the solace of the woods in self-imposed exile.
Keith: Uh huh.
Mike: Basically I just grew a big bushy beard.
Mike: Yeah. Kinda itches, though.
Nate: What’s that in your hand? (glances at the title of the manuscript) Did you write a manifesto against the government?
Mike: (smiles bashfully) Maybe. Who dat?
Chuck: (waves) Howdy.
Keith: Oh, that’s my dad.
Mike: Your what.
Nate: Yeah. Keith’s dad is a filthy rich coal mogul. Keith’s been hiding his immense wealth from us since childhood.
Mike: You’re rich?!
Keith: (kicks dirt) I dunno. Kinda.
Chuck: He’s worth $300 million dollars.
Mike: Off coal? (scratching beard) How long have I been in these woods?
(Mike, Nate, Keith and Keith’s father are on the front porch of the cabin smoking a blunt…)
Mike: (holding in a hit) Grew this stuff myself. Got a little patch out back.
Nate: Why Mike, I never knew you were such a green thumb.
Mike: Yeah, I got a pretty sweet setup here. Got my cabin. Got my weed patch. Got my anti-government propaganda hobby. Yup, this is the life.
Nate: That being said, I think it’s time to come back to society.
Mike: Why, Nate? What’s out there for me?
Keith: Well, we’re out of prison; so you’ve got your buds to hang out with again.
Mike: You guys could move out here. It’s not like you have jobs anymore.
Mike: Or ever.
Nate: What about your trailer?
Mike: Overrun by dung beetles.
Nate: We have those in Maine?
Keith: Great, so we can just burn it to the ground. That’ll be a fun activity. What else can we do?
Nate: What about your girlfriend, Minnie?
Keith: Yeah, we can do her!
Mike: It’s over. After I was imprisoned, she shacked up with some loser drug dealer. Billie or Willie or something.
Keith: (eyes narrow) I’m the only loser drug dealer in this town. Let’s go kick your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend’s ass!
Mike: (grins) Okay, you convinced me. Let’s go.
Nate: Great. I’ll just toss this anti-government manifesto.
Mike: (snatches manifesto) No, no. I wanna keep it for…sentimental purposes.
(The three assholes are banging on the front door of a new trailer near the back of the Chickadee Trailer Park…)
Mike: Can’t believe he lives in the same trailer park as me.
Keith: Maybe we should fill his trailer with dung beetles.
(The door opens and a giant hulking mountain of a man steps out…)
Mack: Can I help you gentlemen?
Mike: Are you Willie?
Mack: No, I’m Mack. You must be referring to my brother, Billy. (shouting back into the trailer) Billy! Customers!
(A shirtless scrawny man with a stringy mustache full of cocaine powder steps outside, his arm around a very young girl…)
Billy: Gentlemen, Billy Rust at your service. You boys come to buy some drugs?
Mike: We’re good. Are you the one that’s bangin’ my ex-girlfriend?
Billy: (smirks) Most likely. What does she look like?
Keith: She’s crazy hot. But you know, like Maine hot.
Keith: What? She is.
Billy: If you’ve come to fight me, I’m sorry to disappoint you; but I’m afraid I’m a pacifist. My brother here, on the other hand.
(Mack Rust pounds a giant meat fist into his hand…)
Keith: Don’t worry, Mikey. We got your back.
(Keith and Nate back away slowly…)
(That evening at Eastern Maine Medical Center…)
Keith: Boy. He really walloped you good, didn’t he?
Mike: (jaw wired shut, glares)
Chuck: (mouthful of pills) Hey Mike, can I have these pills?